H contacted me this morning about wanting to discuss a concern about the kids. I feel I have finally gotten to an appropriate Gray Rock place with him and I think he is trying to find a way back in.
I thing D has opened up to him about the things we talked about this week, which I am glad for. H wants to discuss it. I don't trust H. Everytime I try to discuss things he shuts me down, pushes my buttons, accuses me of being inappropriate. He has is L tell mine that I am not to approach him in public or even stand outside of my home when he picks up the kids. But now he wants to have a discussion with me on his terms.
I told him I would like to do that with the kids' therapist present. At first he was on board, then minutes later he changed his tune and started attacking me. Saying how he does not feel comfortable meeting with me at all, even with a third party present. So he went from wanting to have a discussion one on one to expressing discomfort with involving a third party? It makes no sense. I am seeing this now as his reaction to not having complete control over the situation. This is the first time his scathing words did not penetrate. I responded in an unemotional consistent, and even slightly flattering to him way--holding my ground that the therapist is the best vessel for us to discuss coparenting issues. He stopped responding. I am amazed at how unscathed I feel. A few weeks ago this conversation would have had me reeling and reacting in a way I would be regretting. But I know I cannot trust him when he tries to reach out. How can he one day play the frightened H who is intimidated by my presence and threatening police action when I try to talk to him, and the next day insist we discuss things one on one and accuse me of sabotaging our co-parenting relationship by suggesting we include the therapist in our discussion?
I feel like the veil is lifted, because I see what he is doing now, rather than wondering if he has a point and doubting myself like I used to do. One thing I feel confident about is how I discuss things with the kids. I haven't always been perfect, and I have apologized to them when I realize I was wrong, but my relationship with them is strong and it is up to me to keep it that way. His relationship with them is his responsibility. And our co-parenting relationship needs to established with professional guidance to avoid the pitfalls and game playing that has occurred thus far.
Last edited by mustardseed; 12/29/1505:45 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Be very careful Msd, WH knows you have let go and senses you are growing stronger.
His set ups worked before, he may try to poke momma bear in you. He has very little left to button press with.
Your L is your best defence that and grey rock.
Hugs and happy new year
V
I will. God help me.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Wow, Msd! I am impressed with your strength in this latest communication with H. I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to stop letting him push buttons he's pushed for years. I am resolved to stop it, though - and I've had some pretty scary moments with him in response to my changes.
Each one makes me stronger, though. Everytime he throws a tantrum, whether it be the loud, noisy type or quiet, deadly one, I spot it now. The degree to which I am affected changes, but not the fact that I recognize it for what it is. The fact that you're beginning to understand when he's attempting to manipulate you is fabulous!
His game play regarding the one-on-one vs being too afraid to meet with you has me rolling in mirth - it so clearly resembles something similar my soon to be exH does. One minute he's shouting at me, calling me vulgar names, and making unreasonable demands - and the next he tells me I've threatened to kill him, and he feels unsafe around me. Which is it? He can't be too afraid if he's constantly barging in on me - well, he was until my L put a stop to it. I'm so happy I finally started standing up for myself.
We go to mediation this month to try and work out an agreement. At this point, I just want it all over. I'm ready to be out from under his thumb, and away from his contempt. Of course, now that I'm moving on, mentally, he's starting to be nice again - but I'm not falling for it this time. Manipulation at play!
Good for you, Msd! I am so happy you're starting to recognize it when it happens. That makes all the difference in the world when dealing with him.
Thanks for the support. Feeling down today. I had a great weekend with the kids and now I miss them. I also feel torn because things have been peaceful between me and H but I know it is all fake. I'm playing nice to avoid conflict, he is being nice because I am playing along. And I resent it. I resent that I have to play his game to have peace. He is not being flexible with anything and I am not letting it bother me--I won't let him get to me. But every once it a while I just get so angry. Today is one of those days. I feel like I am bowing down to him. Like I am excusing the [censored] he put me through. I don't want conflict so I am being nice, and I know he doesn't deserve nice. I wish I knew how to be appropriately angry. And I hate the phony act of him being nice to me--because it feels so natural but I know it is fake.
I really don't know how to handle him anymore. I am so sick of paying money to run everything by my lawyer because even the most mundane issues are viewed as potential bargaining chips with him. How are we supposed to raise our children together when he thinks of them as pawns? But every email I send to my lawyer costs me what I make in 2 hours at work. That's how I think of it right now. One email is two hours of work. It is insane! And then it makes me angry because I don't know how or if he is paying his L at all. He was calling her every day back when he was trying to get me kicked out of the house. Was she charging him, or is this another one of his contacts that he struck a special deal with? He is the kind of person that always expects to get everything for free. He uses all of his contacts to get free and extremely discounted things, and often gets pissed and turns on people when he thinks they offered him something for free but instead it was just a discount.
He never pays for anything. So I am really curious how much his legal expenses are. And if they are substantial, who is paying for it? But all of these thoughts keep me focused on him instead of me. And that never serves me well.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Thanks for the support. Feeling down today. I had a great weekend with the kids and now I miss them. I also feel torn because things have been peaceful between me and H but I know it is all fake. I'm playing nice to avoid conflict, he is being nice because I am playing along. And I resent it. I resent that I have to play his game to have peace. He is not being flexible with anything and I am not letting it bother me--I won't let him get to me. But every once it a while I just get so angry. Today is one of those days. I feel like I am bowing down to him. Like I am excusing the [censored] he put me through. I don't want conflict so I am being nice, and I know he doesn't deserve nice. I wish I knew how to be appropriately angry. And I hate the phony act of him being nice to me--because it feels so natural but I know it is fake.
I really don't know how to handle him anymore. I am so sick of paying money to run everything by my lawyer because even the most mundane issues are viewed as potential bargaining chips with him. How are we supposed to raise our children together when he thinks of them as pawns? But every email I send to my lawyer costs me what I make in 2 hours at work. That's how I think of it right now. One email is two hours of work. It is insane! And then it makes me angry because I don't know how or if he is paying his L at all. He was calling her every day back when he was trying to get me kicked out of the house. Was she charging him, or is this another one of his contacts that he struck a special deal with? He is the kind of person that always expects to get everything for free. He uses all of his contacts to get free and extremely discounted things, and often gets pissed and turns on people when he thinks they offered him something for free but instead it was just a discount.
He never pays for anything. So I am really curious how much his legal expenses are. And if they are substantial, who is paying for it? But all of these thoughts keep me focused on him instead of me. And that never serves me well.
Your strength has been inspiring to me. I am so happy with how you have emerged from this. I wish I played things as well as you did, but it took me longer to realize what was happening, and when I finally had the aha moment it was too late in a lot of ways. My kids are suffering and I am trying not to make it worse. That means I have to rise above and that pisses me off, because I just want him to pay. But the reality is, the more I fight, the worse it is for the kids and they are all that matters at this point.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I'm sorry you are going through this. I really am. I know you are doing this for the kids, and it will one day be appreciated greatly by them. These things always reveal themselves.
Aren't legal fees prorated? Does anyone know?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Trying to get my D is really costing me as I appear to be the one with the L. I pay out more than I make each month to my L.
It is worth every penny (cent). It establishes WH as a controlling abuser.
This is just a continuation of it. This is still an attempt to control. WH hasn't even ac knowledge the petition I filed. I paid the court to deliver it too.
WTF. Control and yet more abuse.
Spitballs.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Silent and invisible sounds like a blessing right now. WH and I have been on good terms because I've been playing along. I made the mistake of thinking perhaps some reasonable coparenting conversation could happen given the calm few weeks. But no. All it did was provide him with yet another tool to beat me down with. Luckily I no longer let myself get beat--because I don't care what he thinks of me anymore. But my kids are in the middle. The kids are his last resource to effect me.
Part of me realizes that as long as I continue to be his target and his source of narcissistic supply, my kids are safe from becoming the same. But they are living in hell. I might have walked into another trap. He threw another bomb as he was walking away, knowing I was going to defend myself and I did. Honestly he doesn't care about the truth, or what I say, all he cares is that I am talking while he is walking away so that he can claim that I am harrassing him. However, his spin tactics, and his lawyers spin tactics are becoming clear in the courts. I just have to remember that and not let my guard down anymore. I don't have to defend myself to him.
I promised myself to be as ethical as possible, even if it feels unfair at the moment. It is really hard to do because my anger often wants me to seek revenge, but I refuse to act on that feeling. I would much rather live with the unfair short term events, then have to live with the guilt of trying to screw over the father of my children later. He has his own demons to deal with, and that is not my responsibility. I will learn to forgive him for his nastiness--if for no other reason but to free myself of that burden. But he will always have to live with the shame of it. And that shame--I know is the catalyst for all of his nastiness.
Any discussion I try to have about the kids' struggle with how things are, he views as an attack against him. That sounds like shame working overtime.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
