I haven't thought about Mr Ex in any real way for sometime. Probably since about May/June of last year when I was in the hell of fighting of a hospital infection.
I don't talk about him at all now, maybe a passing comment, but the gripping pain that used to wrench my gut doesnt happen anymore, when I say his name out loud or talk about an activity I did with him. That is gone and that is good.
But there is a legacy that hits me every now and then about the absolute disappointment I feel in him as human being and someone I chose to trust with the very essence of me. I am very cognisant of human frailty, I deal with it every day in my work. I have an endless amount of empathy and hope and care for people who have made a complete mess of their lives and treated others with unrelenting cruelty and disregard.
But Mr Ex's behaviour cuts closer and is more hurtful. I still don't understand why he couldn't see my pain and confusion. I still don't understand why the answer to the problem was to determine that we were incompatible and that it was easier for him flick me away lick a cigarette butt than it was to find something within himself to support me through the terrible hell I was in.
I have let go of the accussatory rage and despairing disappointment I weilded towards myself for not being enough, not being more, not being different. I whipped and lashed myself for months and months (Well years and years if you pile on top all my daddy issues).
I guess I have now replaced the disappointment in myself with the disappointment I feel in Mr Ex. And this disappointment, plays mind games with me about my future. It manifests in my fear in loving someone as deeply as I did him. I feel guarded in a way I haven't before.
Am I am generally an open book, once I allow someone to know me, I don't hide anything. I am picky about who I let into my inner circle. So to be so utterly betrayed by someone I let in. Like really exposed myself to, all my vulnerablities. I am angry in way that he exposed an innonence that I had.
My innocence was that love and commitment prevail over human ignorance and fraility. I am not sure I like a world where there isn't a level of romanticism about what human beings are capable of within intimate relationships. I miss the naievty I once had.
I am dating men and I see myself watching every word and action that is going to give me some clue to the way they are going to rip my heart out and make me watch as they break it one piece at a time.
So I am fearful I guess.
And fearfulness is the opposite of love really is it not?
Mr Ex broke something in me on October 5th 2015. But maybe too he fixed something. Or maybe I did.
In all the pain and devastation of a dream lost, I guess I found something that I would never likely experienced, or maybe I would have, the higher power has plan to get you where you need to go regardless the path you take to get there.
I am learning that not all pain needs to be suffered
I am learning that just because you think it needs fixing doesn't mean it's broken.
I am learning that appeareance doesn't determine value.
I am learning that comparison with always leave you feeling that you come up short.
I am learning that self compassion can heal any emotional wound, especially those you given in childhood.
I am learning that emotions just are, they come, they go - and you remain.
I am learning that happiness can and likely needs to be fleeting. I am learning it is not necessarily the noblest of goals to achieve.
I am learning that you love someone because of their flaws and not inspite of them.
This is not the post I thought I was making. Oh well.
