WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[sandi2]

I notice that whenever something similar is posted, several people will respond about the happy news. Did I miss the part about reconciling? Just b/c she has had a little while to feel regret for what she's done, does not mean you have reconciled!

I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I hope you believe me. My daughter was instrumental in cracking through the fog barrier. However, it was a long ways off for anyone to start passing out the party hats. Cracking through the fog is just a beginning, and I want to believe you realize it. Don't get too caught up in all the congrats, b/c you have yet to see if your WW is going to overcome her addiction. You said you thought she'd go through withdrawals, well I can promise you she will.......if she goes NC. Mine lasted for months. It is not a fun time for either spouse. And this bring me to another point.

I agree with several things Georgia Bulldogs says, but there are some things I do not agree with him. One of those things is to start "dating" your W right away. Oh, you can go do things together, just don't refer to it as a date. Don't use the word "date" with her. Calling it a date implies romance. It implies you have expectations. If you place romantic pressure on her right away, she will think her feelings for you won't return and she'll return to an affair....or just leave. She won't have desire for two men at the same time. She had stopped having feelings for you whenever she started things with the OM, right? So, she will need time to go through withdrawals of the addictive pull of the feelings for him. This is what I don't get about LBH'S. Some of them seem to think the minute the A ends, the WW should have the hots for the H. It just doesn't work that way.

So yes, find fun things to do as a family, as well as just the two of you. I don't even see a problem about taking a short trip, if you can do it without her feeling pressured to be intimate, by being surrounded by a romantic atmosphere and placed in a hotel room with one bed. If she feels that you are trying to trap her in a situation such as that, she'll balk. It will take time, and taking things slowly, for her to be ready for intimacy.

If she is real about saving the M, then this is the time to be friends. You still need to show strength and leadership (always) and don't get lazy and fall back into old habits. As she's going through withdrawals, she'll need your friendship to support her. Now, I don't think she should discuss her feeling for OM with her H, b/c IMHO that's not very respectful to her H.

Btw, I hope you won't misunderstand why I say this........I think it might be best not to compare your addiction and what has worked for you to her addiction. Not if she's just starting, and besides the porn is just too sensitive subject for her and I think she sees you being a little self righteous. (not that you are, but as she sees you).

As you said, you both need to attend MC to help you heal the M.

One more thing and then I'll close. This is the time to get an agreement about full transparency from her. Whatever you will need to help you heal over the A, now is the time to tell her. And, she has the same right to tell you regarding the porn. I think you said you have already been practicing transparency. If she doesn't jump up and click her heels in the air b/c of your success, don't let it get the best of you. It's b/c her heart is completely right yet.

I read a sign today that made me think of all the DBers with a wayward spouse. It said, "Behavior is changed when the heart has changed". I think that fits nicely with listen to nothing they say and only believe half of what you see them do. A person's attitude pretty much gives us a glimpse of their heart every time.

I will be praying for you tonight, Trumpet.