New Year, New Attitude

[ciluzen]

I see small improvements in your interactions too Ciluzen. Do you write them down to remind yourself when you're feeling despondent!? I haven't done so this time round yet but I did last time and I found it helped me to remember them and not lose my cool. I think you are doing brilliantly and wish I could be as strong as you!

I try to journal everyday; all thoughts, goals, info I've gathered from readings. Sometimes here, but usually in a notebook.

[mbebos]

I see good results when I stick to the DB plan. Then I question what I've seen, overthink it and get depressed. But the fact is, as MWD has written, I have to notice the small improvements in his interactions with me. And they ARE there.

Thank you for this. I am doing the exact same thing. I talk myself out of the positives, once a couple days pass, and I need to remember that we have had a bunch of small positive steps.

Over thinking is my enemy too.

[ciluzen]

So, with that said^^,

Here's my take on yesterday. D23 has been struggling with some mental/emotional issues for awhile...had to take a break from college. She has been making great strides in self care with the help of a dr and is planning on going back to school. She has been a big point of worry and stress in both my and H's lives. I have learned to use DB methods with her a bit, as well.

H had bought her a ski pass and was very upset that he had "wasted" the money, as she hadn't gone up. So I asked if she would go up with me and she did! We had a good time, she brought a friend along and we went after I came back from church.

She texted back and forth with H (texting is iffy up there) to make sure he knew she was there and to try to see him and we all met up and ended up skiing together for a few runs.

But here is my take away.

1) H had been there since lifts opened by himself and Bubbles and family (her H as well) met up with him mid day and they skied together. When we met up with them, both Hs were watching football in the bar and Bibbles and kids were eating in lodge. I've noticed she is keeping a bit more distance with their friendship and H is hanging more with "the guys". She even told me she's trying not to step on anyone's toes.

2) I was able to STFU with my daughter and use my new and improved, non-judgemental listening skills with her and she talked...a lot. She finally turned to me and said, "I'm asking for some input here, Mom". I gave her my pro and con thoughts on her ideas, but left it at that. No "you shoulds" or "I woulds". Her reactions were very good; very open.

3) I skied on ice! Much of the slopes were icy today. Always sent me into a tailspin of fear before, but I did it on a challenging run(for me) and didn't let the fact that I was with a group pressure me. And not one complaint from my mouth! H even stopped and said, "this is almost dangerous today" (he's a very good skier) so I just smiled and kept going.

4) H's reaction to my presence was...interesting. Me, D23 and friend met Bubbles and kids outside and chatted then went in and met up with the Hs. My H seemed to be trying to ignore me...no greeting, eye contact, etc. So I greeted and showed I was excited to be around everyone else. Bubbles family left and we all sat at a table while D23 talked about skiing with her Dad. I begged off and said I didn't want to slow them down...I would ski by myself. H finally looked at me and said I'd be fine, I should come with them. Kids left for a few minutes so...small talk. Eye contact. smiles. He was tired and told me about his day and seemed to relax as he told me. Anyway, I stayed pleasant and upbeat til we left for the day. He hugged D23 and said goodbye to her friend, but back to not much attention and no goodbye for me.
I tried to give space and let H and D have time together. But my mind reading take-away...He was TRYING to not deal with me. He didn't have to really. But the more I pulled back, he leaned in. It was almost like watching a fight within.

5)I got to see D23 and realize how awkward it is for her wanting to be with both of us and not knowing what to do. I let her open up about it. How she knows "US" so well, but doesn't know what we expect from her. I agreed that it is a tough situation. I can't speak for H, but I told her what my goals short term (to find me again and what makes me happy) and long term (hopefully for H to give our R another shot) were. I told her to just be herself and work on her and that would make me happy. I also encouraged her to talk to her Dad more...he has said he respects the way her brain works. She seemed satisfied with this.

Not exactly the mother-daughter day I had envisioned, but I at least had some progress with her and met and overcame some challenges for me. Not sure about the stuff with H, but not really concerned.

[ciluzen]

I see good results when I stick to the DB plan. Then I question what I've seen, overthink it and get depressed. But the fact is, as MWD has written, I have to notice the small improvements in his interactions with me. And they ARE there.

Thank you for this. I am doing the exact same thing. I talk myself out of the positives, once a couple days pass, and I need to remember that we have had a bunch of small positive steps.

This is so easy to do. It really is better to write it down immediately before our minds take the info for an emotional ride. Their emotions are up and down, too. I swear I could see my H struggle...as if he was saying in his head, "wait. You aren't supposed to like her... be comfortable... or enjoy her..." then go back to ignoring me. Then start to be "normal" again. They have an inner turmoil, too. We have to DB and keep our eyes open.


Over thinking is my enemy too.

[mbebos]

My DB coach has me writing down my positives as well, and I have to keep reminding myself, small steps are big steps. Slow is fast, and fast is slow.

Saying trust none of what they say, and half of what they do is easy enough, but learning and applying that is much harder. I need to trust my gut more, and stop talking myself out of my observations. I know I saw sadness when she left our apartment Friday night, then I convinced myself I saw what I wanted to see. In that moment, I was devastated to see her leave and wasn't expecting her to turn around, so I have to trust my gut on that. A noise made her turn around startled and I saw what I saw.

[inpain]

It's funny you should say that Ciluzen because I have noticed the same in my H and commented upon it to my Mum at the weekend! He quite often seems like he forgets that he's supposed to not love me any more and he'll look at me the way he used to, then I catch him checking himself and putting his expressionless face back on.

It sounds like you did brilliantly on the slopes with your D, even though it didn't end up being the day together that you expected! It's interesting to hear how your older children feel about the whole separated situation as mine are younger and do not express themselves about how awkward it makes them feel.

[ciluzen]

IP,

It is very hard to know how to deal with my Ds. One is a newlywed, in process of buying a house, and working crazy hours at a job she loves; the other is, as I said, fighting issues and trying to get her life back on track. She was my formerly amazing and successful child who described her older sister as a "golden retriever" (friendly, silly and fun)who barely got by in school. Now they've flip-flopped a bit.

Older D was always a daddy's girl (very similar to him in social aspects), but certain choices she made plus my H not even attempting to get to know her fiancee (he actually seemed to judge him quite unfairly)caused a falling out between them before the wedding. When she was made aware of the separation, she was very angry with H. I've pushed her to reach out to him and they are back to having a decent relationship again. She is also supportive of me and checks on me often. But I have to remember she is my D and I can't inundate her with H or R talk...that's her Dad!

Younger D is good at looking at others from a psych point of view, I value her opinions when she is willing to give them. But once again, I can't share too much of the details in this sitch because I don't want them in a more awkward place than they already are. But she observed enough of the change in our R to have an opinion. She wants to "fix" the situation, but also is treading carefully...she's not sure what her place is. And she has her self to care for.

I've always been open with my Ds, and they've always shared (and over shared) with me. As D25 (my serial dater) said when I was being sad one day, "you were always my shoulder to cry on with every break up. I can at least try to be here for you during this". Sweet, but not really a place I want my and H's daughter to be. In the middle, choosing sides.

We were a close family with extended "friend families" until the kids left for school. Now we're in four separate places trying to get by, and we can't even deal with the "friend families" in the same way. We are so shattered, all of us, that our normal togetherness times (holidays, vacations, birthdays) are meaningless.

Sorry to be morose, but it is sad even for adult children. We are their role models in marriage Rs.

[ciluzen]

Today, I was thinking of things to be grateful for and thought of my dog.

Its funny, but H saw her at a friend's house and found out they were trying to find her a home. He insisted I meet her 'cause "she was such a sweetie". So now I have her.

I now let her sleep on the bed at night (MB was always off limits to our pets) for company and as an early warning system for anything weird (living in the boonies). She greets me when I get home, she's warm, she wants attention, gives attention, is someone to care for, and she snores like a freight train. Hey, she almost keeps me from being lonely.

So here are my questions that I've been stewing over.

1) I'm going on a short trip soon (3-4 nights). Do I ask H if he would like to watch her for me? She was "our" dog and he told her when he moved out he wished he could take her with him (he really did). He seems to miss her a bit.

2)I plan on acknowledging H's b-day with a quick text, regardless of what he does on mine (I expect he will ignore mine). Our anniversary follows that very quickly. Should I just ignore it? I feel that I should.

Any thoughts out there? That month has always been a celebrated one because our b-days and anniversary were so close. Last year we had a great little weekend trip that he went to great effort to plan. He did a great job, too. It kills me to even think about it because H was probably thinking of getting out then and I had no clue.

As for my b-day, I've never had a party since we were married, so I'm going to open invite people to show up at a pub to share my b-day with me. Nothing big, but I feel the need to celebrate with people other than just my fractured family.

[ciluzen]

So, H called tonight. He wanted to tell me that I would be receiving marriage dissolution papers tomorrow afternoon. He was very sorry. I did not do very well. I am crushed and shattered...and I fell apart.

[JellyB]

Cil,

I'm sorry you have had this news. My heart breaks for you. Give this a few days to settle in. The plan doesn't change. But that can wait while you regroup. I hope your lovely daughters are giving you all the support you need.

Post when you are ready Cil. I hope some vets and experienced new comers come by and offer you more insightful help and support.

Take care hun. JellyBxxx