Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Alright, Cali and Hawho, you are 2 that stick out in my mind that have the patience of Saints. Seriously, I read your posts, you guys are thrown curve balls left and right, and remain solid and calm in standing. How are you doing this?? Please fill me in on your secret....because I get thrown nothing but niceness, and I feel like throwing something, kicking dirt on H shins, and having a tantrum.

I really don't know how you guys do it. Cali, at least you are getting mini R talks here and there, so you know a bit what is spinning in W. Maybe it helps in having something to work with? Hawho, I don't think you have talked with H since he left MBR again?

I think this is my biggest issue. One year of silence, of H being away and having NO idea doing what or with who. There could very well be OW, H is crafty and could keep it on the down low to avoid looking like a jerk. One year ago he moved out to have some space to think. I have granted him that, left him alone, no questions or drama in his space, and I have been given NOTHING but SILENCE.

I think this is so cruel. To do this to someone you have shared 16 years and a child with?? And I am supposed to just keep living in this twilight zone of pretending there is not a huge elephant in the room called our marriage and what are we going to do about it? It's not right, to have this much contact and not address this issue. It's just not right, MLC or not. I am a human, a person, the mother of his child, and I deserve either an explanation, a spew, a clue, or the freedom and closure to move on with my life.

And yes, where he is at in this matters to me. I would be lying if I said it doesn't effect my choices. Of course it does and that is why I feel so desperate to know. I didn't want any of this, and I will keep fighting if there is hope. But if there isn't, I want to know so I can end this, heal and move on. I did not sign up to be a single mother and I do not want to raise my son this way.

So, I am not saying I am done with H, but I am done with him being stuck, done with this situation as it has sat for so long, done with sitting back and hoping for him to make a move. That is crystal clear to me. No matter how happy I am, how busy I keep myself, it hangs heavy in the air, it is always there, that giant question mark. It keeps me hanging onto hope, when something is telling me I shouldn't anymore. So I have to make some moves, for my own sanity. I know I can't force anything out of him, but maybe it will help me to make some decisions I have been struggling with.

And yes Cali, when I see H, he looks tired and old, but I honestly believe and sense he is content in his world right now. I see no sign of him wanting to spend time with me or to change anything. I too have been content with that, but it is fading fast. I feel no attraction for him, very little respect or admiration, in fact, I feel sorry for him. It's a weird place because I don't want him back home right now, in his current condition...I don't miss him....I am not eager to spend time with him.... but yet I want something from him....what is it? And yet I can't make that final decision to be done with him....seems my mindset is very much like the MLC'er?

In any case, I know without a doubt, that I am not content with how this has been going any longer. It's one answer out of many that I have needed. So, time to get quiet again and wait for the next.