Its been a couple of weeks since my last update, I dont have much to tell you really, so its just a bit of journaling instead.
Decisions:
Its been a very up and down time emotionally, I feel all over the place. I think my biggest problem has been Decisions - being so indecisive. As a child/teen my mother controlled my decisions, she made them all for me, then I met h and he did the same, it was normal to me, maybe that is why I was drawn to him. So when h left me I was thrown into having to make decisions for myself. I struggle with it, the fear of making bad ones has me sitting in indecision which I know is not a good place to be. I read this week that indecision is in itself a decision, its a choice, I am choosing not to decide and therefore risking losing out on possible great things in my life. I feel that living in my current limbo is making me worse, I have a bad case of the "what if's" !!
Last week I had a terrible week at work, I can't seem to get my new support person to have the same work ethic as me, her productivity level is low and her speed just getting from a-b is tortoise pace, it drives me insane. A colleague explained to me that I work at a higher level than most and should not expect others to follow suit ....zero expectations ha ha.
On top of all that I decided after months of indecision (!!) to go and see my Dr about a mole that has appeared and changed over the past year. He has referred me to a skin specialist, my appoint is mid feb. While I was there he noticed I have not been to see him since 2014 so decided to do full blood work and asked if anything else was causing me troubles - I mentioned my fingers and knees being in pain, said I presume its a bit of RSI and before I knew it he was looking at my hands and talking arthritis. It looks like I have osteoarthritis in my fingers and knees, my left hand being the worst - swelling around the joints. Blood tests confirm its not any other type so I now have to have a x-ray to confirm but he is pretty confident that this is what is causing the pain. So I am now taking Glucosamine, Chondroitin and fish oils to try and slow down the process. Getting old su$ks !!
As for h - he text me the day after he arrived back in NZ safely. He text me again in the week, just chit chat stuff, I had no idea what to say to him so it ended up a short conversation. He rang me Sunday 17th, he wanted to talk about our car project, saying its not cost effective and thinks we should cut our losses with it. He also told me that s21 has moved in with him to save money for a trip. He said its not ideal but he will be away a lot with work over the coming year so having a dog sitter will be handy. He talked about the things he has planned for the next few weekends - a buskers championships, camping , going to visit a friend. He mentioned skyping with his mum, said she is doing ok. I replied that that was good and that FIL had emailed to tell me about his surprise visit and how its gone down well with everyone - h replied "I guess so". Odd answer, that's the problem with texts, no tone to the speech.
And that was the last I heard from him, he has gone into his world again. There has been no mention of seeing me again, no talk of xmas or his trip. I have not asked and he has not offered. The last time he went this quiet he had met someone else, she was his new focus. Nothing I can do about it if he has, it will be the end of the road for me if there is a new ow .....oh look, I made a decision lol
I don't know if he is doing what he did once before - waiting for me to inciate the contact - he pointed out that its always him so will wait for me to "give in". Its like he is testing me to see if I am still interested and I am sitting back and waiting him for him to show me the action and prove this wanting to be in my life is not just words from him. The funny thing is ...and I know I am rambling on in a nonsensical way ... that if I get in contact he will be as polite as always, and if he contacts he will say something bright and breezy like How's you day going; like we only spoke yesterday, not over a week ago ! IDK, are we in a Mexican stand off now lol.
On top of all this I have had a look at my finances and savings for my girls trip end of Feb and see that I can't really afford or justify the cost of it. I want to go, I really do, I know it will be a lot of fun and laughing, but at the cost of my low bank balance. The right thing and utterly sensible thing to do is to not go, face up to the fact that this is my life now; living paycheck to paycheck. I have saved some each week, but not really enough for the trip - well not enough for their kind of trip, I dont want the pressure to spend more than I have and I dont want to spoil their holiday by asking them not to do the things they want to do. They have the luxury of partners and income, I haven't, its a reality that slaps me in the face quite often at the moment.
So with all this going on, I got very very drunk on Friday night ...alone ...this is not good. Thankfully my wonderful g/friend in the uk was online and kept me company all night. The following night her and my other wonderful g/friend also got drunk and spent the whole evening trying to get me to fly back to the UK so they can look after me - bless them lol.
So back to decisions -
What to do about work: the damage its causing me, but I need income. What to do about my trip: I so need some time out, but can't really afford it. What to do about h: Do I contact him with a hi, hows your day going, or do I remain quiet, taking the silence as him processing whatever he has going on in his head. What to do about going to the UK: I could do this, take a sabbatical for a couple of months, I put enough away for an emergency flight and my g/friends would put me up, I could pick up some casual work for spending money.
So far I have come up with June. Giving myself until June to decide what I want to do. June is 2 years since he left, 1 year since he told me he wants me and its my b/day month, another year older.
I know I can't keep going along like this, feeling this way, living this joyless life, its not a life, its an existence, always waiting to see what is around the corner. It obvious that h is still deep in C, his peek outs seems to be less often now, I have no idea what he wants anymore, I am not convinced he does either.
Okay, well re reading this it is just a long ramble and jumble of thoughts. Just remembered I have work today lol. So off to do battle with another day. Sorry its so long, a lot going around in my head right now.
