Wonka, I am all over the place emotionally, I have been crying at work, what is not that good since I have patients today.
I will do what you say, sit on my inner child sofa, yet I know it is not going to be fun. I guess I am avoiding to cry more, to hurt more, but I need to go there literally.
It all comes back to my father loving me on the distance and never saying it to me. I comes back to my mom spanking me, and I faking my way through life, trying to always please my mom so she would not have a reason to blow on me.
I will follow the advice. I am so messed up right now. My emotions are all over the place and it wouldn't be fair even with myself to make some move that I will regret later. All what is happening to me right now has no face to XH, he does not see it or even suspect it. (I would guess).
Right now, I should not include him in any of my transformation, it is my time to morph and I know I need to do this for my own good. I am actually amazed of how transparent I have been that you all can pick it up by just reading my words.
Wonka, you know I have been changing and the road will be bumpy for me. That I need to come to terms with my inner child and accept that child. Let go on the original wound.
This does not change the strong person I did build up, does not change a caring mother I am, does not change my faith or the smile on my face. This is my emotional balance in accepting what it was and realizing the pain that is hiding on a close drawer inside of me.
I will do it tonight and see what happens, I will write it tomorrow, it is time... time to clean the dirty laundry. It is time to visit that child I tried to forget.
I am also very thankful I have my kids, in some moments like this, it is indeed what makes a different in holding on one more day and not giving up in it all. I feel very tired, very exhausted.
