Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Thanks for the support. Feeling down today. I had a great weekend with the kids and now I miss them. I also feel torn because things have been peaceful between me and H but I know it is all fake. I'm playing nice to avoid conflict, he is being nice because I am playing along. And I resent it. I resent that I have to play his game to have peace. He is not being flexible with anything and I am not letting it bother me--I won't let him get to me. But every once it a while I just get so angry. Today is one of those days. I feel like I am bowing down to him. Like I am excusing the [censored] he put me through. I don't want conflict so I am being nice, and I know he doesn't deserve nice. I wish I knew how to be appropriately angry. And I hate the phony act of him being nice to me--because it feels so natural but I know it is fake.

I really don't know how to handle him anymore. I am so sick of paying money to run everything by my lawyer because even the most mundane issues are viewed as potential bargaining chips with him. How are we supposed to raise our children together when he thinks of them as pawns? But every email I send to my lawyer costs me what I make in 2 hours at work. That's how I think of it right now. One email is two hours of work. It is insane! And then it makes me angry because I don't know how or if he is paying his L at all. He was calling her every day back when he was trying to get me kicked out of the house. Was she charging him, or is this another one of his contacts that he struck a special deal with? He is the kind of person that always expects to get everything for free. He uses all of his contacts to get free and extremely discounted things, and often gets pissed and turns on people when he thinks they offered him something for free but instead it was just a discount.

He never pays for anything. So I am really curious how much his legal expenses are. And if they are substantial, who is paying for it? But all of these thoughts keep me focused on him instead of me. And that never serves me well.