I've been lurking on site for last 2 months after reading DR, and figured it was time to post.
My WAW let me know in early Dec that she was done, and had been for years - Married 20 years with 3 kids (S16 D12 D10). I knew our marriage wasn't great, but I wasn't expecting her to start talking about separation. I see my story in DR and in many posts...
I was a wreck first week or so, and fortunately I found DR which helped a lot. I've also done a number of DB coaching sessions with Chuck. Over last 2 months I feel I've become a better person - reconnected big time with my kids; doing my share around the house; got my anger / emotions (mostly) under control; etc. Even my WAW has commented on how I've changed, though she adds that she's almost angry about it as why couldn't I have changed years ago...
Problem is that even though we're interacting better, she's still saying she's done and wanting a separation... though slow to work through logistics... I'm getting a number of odd comments from her, including last night about her being willing to (re)bury her feelings and go back to how we were before - I told her I can't go back to something I now know was causing us both problems, and that I'm not urgent to separate or such so let's continue marriage counseling (which we only just started)... very odd, though I'm feeling better about myself in wanting to stay true to my values of caring for my family including her...
From DR and my coach Chuck, I get that beyond GAL I need to break my WAW's core belief that I'm someone easy to walk away from. I feel like I'm shaking those beliefs from the compliments I'm getting, and the acknowledgement that I've changed. Guess I need to continue to be patient to see what happens...
Anyways, I thought it was time to start participating in the forums given the value I've gotten from DR and reading posts. Guess also hoping for tips and support as I continue to patiently see how this plays out...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The good news is that you found DR and your DB Coach, Chuck, pretty early in the process. I'm glad the strategies and support have been helpful.
You are smart to recognize that things won't change overnight. Being patient is key! Keep on focusing on being the best Dad and grelber that only a fool would leave.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sorry you find yourself in that situation. Sounds like you are getting to a strong, independent but loving place and that is a great thing for everyone, especially the kids.
Sorry you are here. I am into this for 2 months now and I can see signs my W is noticing some changes but she is not communicating with me at all about them. Keep working on you. Actions, not words
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Before I got the "sorry...I want a divorce..not counseling" bomb, we started to look at EFT (emotionally focused therapy)
I know another couple that went thsi route and had tons of success.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Still hanging in there - no significant changes...
We're doing "normal" marriage / couples therapy - therapist hasn't called it anything specific. We met together as a couple; she met with each of us individually; and we meet back together as a couple tomorrow to talk about how this will proceed...
W and my schedules tend to be full with our lives and 3 kids, so little time to talk to W, which may be OK given that main reason she is saying she wants separation is space to figure out what's going on in her head. Few talks we do have are about kids and immediate items.
A couple of my kids are having issues. We jointly decided to share with kids that we're starting counseling as it would be obvious we're both doing something out of the ordinary, and we didn't want to have to lie to them or leave them guessing. We did assure them that no decisions (separation etc) have been made, and we'd share with them if / when that happens... My D12 is having a hard time since she has 2 friends - one who's parents divorced 2+ years ago, and its messy ; and another friend who's parents are fighting a lot and talking about divorce once they can figure out logistics & finances... My S16 also is having a hard time though hard to tell if just part of being 16 or my situation...
WAW still talks about wanting separation, though more often I'm hearing paired with maybe she'll discover she's making a mistake, and she's amazed by the changes, and such. I feel my transformation has shaken her belief that she's walking from some bad person, but I guess we still have 20+ years of baggage to work through still... patience...
I've read more books that I've found helpful
Stosny & Love - How to improve your marriage without talking about it. Great discussion on fear & shame reactions, and how to alter within your self so you're actually present to listen to others. I also liked how they framed, for the caveman in me, that if your core values are to be there for your family, you've got to man up and get to a spot where you can listen without anger and shame...
Nichols - Lost art of listening. Most of the way through this book, and it does bog down in a few places on theory, though there are a lot of good strategies on how to hear what others are saying. Its not only helping with my family, I've found it useful in my work in managing my team and dealing with customers...
Trying to stay positive and GAL so that I can be there for my family - if I fall apart it helps no one... Just wish W would stop talking about separation, as I know we'll have a lot of hard work fixing relationship, and I can't talk/think about futures when's she's up in the air about our marriage. Would also make it easier on kids... I know I need to stay patient; keep getting myself to a better place; stick to the DB program; its just [censored]...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is great that you have a DB coach I have worked with chuck he is great what did you mean by this need to break my WAW's core belief that I'm someone easy to walk away from
Take care Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
