You know me so well by now. I am a passionate person and that makes me very uncomfortable in this situation. Besides that I have my issues with rejection, and this is pure rejection.
Maybe it all have a reason, I also need to grow up, be stronger on my self confidence and let life deal with the rest. Learn how to be patient.
This all can sound very beautiful in words, but the pure reality is that thinking of what I miss in my M, I can say I miss the family value, not the family. I miss the marriage value, not the marriage itself. I miss the caring, loving and supportive H that I always dreamed about, but never really had one.
So what I miss are the values I have inside of me. Not the reality I had. I do not miss the electrician, plumber, mechanic. Not even the meals he prepared, because he always want to do good, but his food was not the best. XH was a career maker, a traveler, a single guy that would come home for comfort. He was a controlling father, my kids need to say "Yes Sir, or Yes Dad" as he always pointed out.
I asked him to think about our lives long ago, maybe he could change jobs and travel less or not travel at all and I got: "This is what I do, what I like to do and it is what I will always do". I asked him to slow down on the snowboarding because then we could save some money to have some different vacations as a family, and what I got was this: "This is what I like to do and I will do no matter what".
I look back in my marriage and I see me being a total fool, stupid, controlled wife with no say. I see I was strong and hold the family together for a long time, when I was too weak, the family was gone, it was broken. He did not step up to hold our family together, even after me saying I needed him more present, I needed his support. And to make things worse he got himself an affair with a work colleague.
Is this man learning all what he needs to learn to be a humble person that will love others at least the same way he loves himself? Or he is a narcissist and won't ever look at someone right beside him?
When he spoke with me last Thursday, it was not about me. It was only about him. It is about what he needs to do to clean his chest from so much garbage he knows he thrown on his family. He says he is unhappy, that I am not his unhappiness and he has been figuring this out. I really hope so, for his own good.
But it is again the selfishness coming through, he needs to find his happiness and does not see that helping others to be happy makes you more happy then trying to make yourself happy.
He talks about humble and for me it is a bunch of bull, he talks about forgiveness and it is a bunch of bull, he talks about forgiving me and it is a bunch of bull. He is just walking in circles and missing the big point in life. We need to give in order to receive. When you smile at someone, we often get a smile back, when we go out of our way to help someone, we get help from someone else. It is the unconditional love among man that keeps this world moving.
My biggest deal is to get this all resolved without hate. It is indeed a very thin line between love and hate.
There is an enormous list that he can start showing he is changing as a person, changing his priorities. He likes to say his kids as the only and most important for him in this world. Nice F*@ words, but in reality, he is not helping his kids in anything, not even talking with them about what is important in their lives right now.
Yes, I keep going back and forth with my love for this Jerk, because for some reason I can't explain very well, I can detach easily, I can't just let go. There is this deep feeling in my heart that needs to dissipate and it is not going away.
I guess it is time, giving myself time to grief and move on. I just want to be blind anymore. XH does not love me, does not love his kids and for sure he does not love himself. Maybe one day he will wake up from what he call life. I hope he can face his soul naked of all his garbage and finally become the person he think he is.
In the meantime, I will keep taking him from my heart little by little, and one day it will be clean, just clean of all the wounds he created in it.
The positive in this is that every day there is a new reason to love myself. The changes are more obvious now, I have friends asking me what happen to me. That I should be hurt and bitter and I am actually much better then when I was married. Some go as far as saying that I am a million times better divorced.
Maybe it all happen so I could get myself out of prison.
