I am happy for you, but i know the next steps are just as hard, if not harder than getting there. If that even seems possible. I have ready many piecing stories and as hard as they seem I would love the chance.
All i can say is be fast to listen, slow to talk, then listen some more.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Wow Trumpet. I do not know what to say. I am really happy for you. Please take things slowly. And don't give up on yourself, you still can be the man you want to be and achieve your dreams.
As far as God not giving you more than you can handle. A friend once told me that is not true. God does not give you any more than HE can handle. So lean on Him. I don't know what the right interpretation is. But I am happy for you.
Awesome news, Trumpet. I can see why you're nervous. I'd say, re-read the validation sheet. And if you can afford it, buy a phone session with a DB coach now. They can offer such valuable advice. Re-read Divorce Remedy. Re-read all the advice you've gotten. Make this a priority while this window is open.
Don't scare her away. I'm sure she's very fragile right now, as are you. Take it very, very slowly.
I'm so happy for this turn of events! All the best to you...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I really need your help, everyone. Those who have been on the other side of the D, or no D, but reconciling. What do I do? DR was my roadmap for the most part, with lots of Christian love in there, and now, I really don't want to screw this up.
My advice is to not show her you are eager to jump back into it again. If you do, she will put you through this again. Has she asked for another chance, or does she simply assume you will be more than happy to resume the position of her H?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I want to go to counseling together. She has a IC session on Friday. She knows she needs to NC with OM. Complete NC, not like in the past, where it was a half-way attempt. She admitted that not contacting his is hard - she didn't contact him all day Sunday, and wanted to show me. She knows she needs help now - that she can't do it on her own. That was exactly how I felt with my addiction in late October. I couldn't do it alone.
Her hang-up, from what I can tell, was that somehow I would never forgive her for what she did. That my telling her I forgive her was just a lie to get her back with me. I almost laugh at that - knowing what I know now, my forgiving her was dropping my bags, and letting go. Detaching meant I had to move on, and holding the hurt in would just delay me moving on. I was still grieving, esp. on Saturday PM when the house was empty, sans dog. It was tough to hear nothing, no kids - that might be me every other week if we get divorced! But I also knew I was going to be ok. That the new Trumpet was happy inside with himself, so he would move on.
Knowing she cancelled the divorce paperwork shows her commitment - she could keep it open, and I have about another two weeks to respond. I asked her what she wanted to do on Sunday, and told me it made no sense to keep the paperwork open, that she was ready to close that book, and work on us. I'm still planning on meeting up with another lawyer to just make sure I have plans in case my wife goes wayward (aka rogue) and I have to quick pull out the old playbook.
Jumping back into the old marriage isn't an option. I'm still living in the basement for a while. Counseling is needed. Georgia Bulldog had advice, as a Christian, and for me with an addiction, that being a little more aggressive than others getting a date or two out of my wife in a couple weeks might not be a bad idea. My wife sees that I'm 87 days 'clean'. No porn. She sees how calm I am. How forgiving I am (still, LOTS of hurt - will have to release that in small bits in counseling). My wife's lawyer will do a stay, stopping things, which lasts about 4-5 months. My wife is willing to do that, or just put an end to it. I told her we'll stop the filing, do a stay, and put in a good 4-5 months of work on us, and then see where we're at. I'm committed, and she is now too. THAT is the change.
Many, including you Sandi, said I'd KNOW when my wife is ready to work on us. She has a complete conviction which I haven't seen in months, heck, even a year or two. That's what I see now vs. what I was seeing in December.
Demanding to have the D completely expunged is what I WANT, but showing her I have concerns, and going slow, means the stay is a better option.
I think she's going to go through withdrawls. I'm a WAY better listener now than 3 months ago, but still need to shut up and just let her talk more than ever.
I've always wanted to go out for sushi with her - never have. I might ask her for a quick lunch date next week. I think that would surprise her, and make her see I'm interested in 'courting' her like I did back in college. No expectations, just some fun with her. She's going out with friends to a movie on Sunday - I'm taking the kids to a college basketball game. Still doing things GAL'ing, working out. Still reading - I have another book coming today!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Just re-read my post - SOOOO wish the edit button was still around!
I just made those who read it really confused. At FIRST, my wife just wanted to rescind the divorce. She still would do that. The lawyer said it wouldn't cost any more/less to just do a stay on the filing, and we'd have 4-5 months to work on things, to be 100% sure.
I did ask how sure she was that she wanted to work on us, that this new path was the path she wanted. She said yes, it's what she wants. No hesitation. So, I figured it wouldn't hurt to do the stay, and then I have a way out. It shows that I'm not ready to go back to the old 'us'.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I think you need to be leery of any statements from her such as she doesn't think you would ever forgive her. Listen, it's time to stop dancing to her music.....do you hear me? It is time to shut down her wishy-washy games. Let her think whatever she wants. Stop trying to convince her! Instead of her playing this game of, "I'm just not sure that you will forgive me", turn it around and say, "As long as I'm not seeing you do the necessary work, then you just may be right". "Before you require so much from me, don't you think it's only right that you show me that you are willing to do what I need to trust you again"?
Look Trumpet, don't buy that part about this being her only hang-up. That is nothing but B.S. Her hang-up was you requiring no contact with the OM and being transparent. She is doing her old WW trick of twisting it around. If you let her slide by, she's going to play you again.
Don't be asking her if she's sure this time. It shouldn't be about her so much, now, it should be if you are willing to take the hance of being stabbed in the back again. She should know that it's just not that simple now.
If you don't make her work for it, she won't stick with it. She has not had to pursue you at all.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I notice that whenever something similar is posted, several people will respond about the happy news. Did I miss the part about reconciling? Just b/c she has had a little while to feel regret for what she's done, does not mean you have reconciled!
I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I hope you believe me. My daughter was instrumental in cracking through the fog barrier. However, it was a long ways off for anyone to start passing out the party hats. Cracking through the fog is just a beginning, and I want to believe you realize it. Don't get too caught up in all the congrats, b/c you have yet to see if your WW is going to overcome her addiction. You said you thought she'd go through withdrawals, well I can promise you she will.......if she goes NC. Mine lasted for months. It is not a fun time for either spouse. And this bring me to another point.
I agree with several things Georgia Bulldogs says, but there are some things I do not agree with him. One of those things is to start "dating" your W right away. Oh, you can go do things together, just don't refer to it as a date. Don't use the word "date" with her. Calling it a date implies romance. It implies you have expectations. If you place romantic pressure on her right away, she will think her feelings for you won't return and she'll return to an affair....or just leave. She won't have desire for two men at the same time. She had stopped having feelings for you whenever she started things with the OM, right? So, she will need time to go through withdrawals of the addictive pull of the feelings for him. This is what I don't get about LBH'S. Some of them seem to think the minute the A ends, the WW should have the hots for the H. It just doesn't work that way.
So yes, find fun things to do as a family, as well as just the two of you. I don't even see a problem about taking a short trip, if you can do it without her feeling pressured to be intimate, by being surrounded by a romantic atmosphere and placed in a hotel room with one bed. If she feels that you are trying to trap her in a situation such as that, she'll balk. It will take time, and taking things slowly, for her to be ready for intimacy.
If she is real about saving the M, then this is the time to be friends. You still need to show strength and leadership (always) and don't get lazy and fall back into old habits. As she's going through withdrawals, she'll need your friendship to support her. Now, I don't think she should discuss her feeling for OM with her H, b/c IMHO that's not very respectful to her H.
Btw, I hope you won't misunderstand why I say this........I think it might be best not to compare your addiction and what has worked for you to her addiction. Not if she's just starting, and besides the porn is just too sensitive subject for her and I think she sees you being a little self righteous. (not that you are, but as she sees you).
As you said, you both need to attend MC to help you heal the M.
One more thing and then I'll close. This is the time to get an agreement about full transparency from her. Whatever you will need to help you heal over the A, now is the time to tell her. And, she has the same right to tell you regarding the porn. I think you said you have already been practicing transparency. If she doesn't jump up and click her heels in the air b/c of your success, don't let it get the best of you. It's b/c her heart is completely right yet.
I read a sign today that made me think of all the DBers with a wayward spouse. It said, "Behavior is changed when the heart has changed". I think that fits nicely with listen to nothing they say and only believe half of what you see them do. A person's attitude pretty much gives us a glimpse of their heart every time.
I will be praying for you tonight, Trumpet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree it's not a "date"....it's as I said before...a "break"...a night out and away (escape) from the crisis that is your marriage.
You are "fun guy"....detached, calm and just fun.
IF there is anything romantic or any serious conversation to be had....SHE must pursue it. You actually use your detached fun guy persona to create distance and then she'll be the one "pursuing".
Some couples hysterically bond. Can be a pretty good time but avoid the inclination to think everything if fine or great. To the recent wayward...hysterical bonding might just be another form of escapism and reclamation without emotional pain/work.
She won't be ready for a bit but that doesn't stop many a wayward from trying to dive in and fix everything quickly. In the process - the foggy wayward will say some awful and hurtful things because they are still so far up their own selfish entitled butts to recognize what is truly going on. You can fight them there but they won't hear you nor are they truly ready to learn which is why you go out and just have fun. Escape with them as a distraction and way to spend time together without pressure.
The ONLY serious goal at the outset of recovery is NO CONTACT. It's all that matters. She could be convinced that it'll never work, she'll never care about you like that again, she'll never be able to love you, she'll never be able to have sex with you again - whatever. It doesn't matter because those are just feelings - feelings change ---- whereas - NO CONTACT IS FOREVER.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Good news, but curb your enthusiasm. Remember how volatile and variable your W's emotions were with huge highs and lows? I hope I'm wrong, but that's probably still going on. Will she hate you tomorrow? Decide to continue the D? Who knows....
These developments are encouraging, but please remain cautious. It's hard, but it is possible to be both.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
