My question is that if he keeps true to his cycle and goes into pursuit mode and does want to come around or take us out or whatever. What do I do?
I think you really need to break this cycle.
Realize that if/when he comes around, or if he says he wants R...he's not really offering you the R you want, that of a committed monogamous marriage...he's offering you the R he wants, able to keep you around as a plan B while he does what he wants to do while he wants to do it.
Don't be angry about him doing that to you. Be angry at yourself for telling him it's ok to treat you that way.
Anger isn't the answer here. It's just time to break the cycle and figure out what you want in your life.
I wrote some posts on Kyrie's thread a bit ago about a mission statement. I'll quote it for you. Please read and let me know what your mission statement is.
Quote:
You don't want to tell him F off and let's get divorced, that's not what you want. You don't want to tell him you'll put up with this indefinitely, that's not what you want either. You don't want to spend time and mental energy trying everything under the sun hoping that some day he treats you like a human being, because you can't win that game. And you don't want to get cold and withdraw and use this to justify being resentful and distant because that's not the person you want to be and that won't help either.
Wow. I can see why you feel like you're out of options.
What I try to do is break this down into two parts:
1. What do you want to say? 2. How do you communicate this without saying it (actions not words)?
I think you're still struggling to figure out what you want to say. If you can't figure what you're trying to communicate, then you will be coming across as very inconsistent, and you will be very conflicted as you continue to wrestle with the same things. That's why I'm a believer in a mission statement, something you can use to guide all of your actions and responses.
For example, if your mission statement was this: I am not prepared to get divorced, or give up on my H or my marriage, but nor am I prepared to play a game I can't win, and I'm not going to be resentful and withdrawn...so my mission is to figure out in my mind what I feel a good wife would do for her husband, and I will do my best to do that without expectation of any positive responses...I will sort my feelings out in ways that doesn't impact my commitments to my H...with the only exception being that I will have clear boundaries that when he crosses I will withdraw from TEMPORARILY, then proceed to be loving again in our next interaction...and I will work with IC to sift for the grain of truth behind his spew and help process the pain of my unmet needs, help clarify those boundaries, and help with personal growth and other goals that will allow me to enjoy the rest of my life.
That's a lot of words, but it's a complicated situation. But from that perspective, when he spews via text you can say to yourself "ok, that hurts, I can't win this game. OK, that's fine. I knew I can't, I need to take a deep breath, let go of my expectations, and have a moment of silence for my unmet needs. Now then, does this cross a specific boundary I set? If so, I will need to communicate that and terminate this exchange. I will continue to do what I believe a good wife should, and our next exchange we can start fresh. If he didn't violate a clear boundary then I will put the emotional pain on a shelf for a minute, respond in a way that *I* feel good about, and pat myself on the back since he isn't about to. Then I will take a moment after it all to sit with my hurt, validate my own feelings, and make some mental notes for my next IC to understand where I can grow."
Your brain will keep wanting to go to 'what happens if I do all of this and nothing changes, can I put up with this forever, can I really live my entire life like this', etc, etc. You just have to let that go and find joy in being a strong woman in a tough spot. It won't be like this forever. Have faith.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks. Our exchanges recently have left a lot to be disired but I read what you wrote to Kyrie and as usual it makes sense. I would have to really think about a mission statement.
Thanks again. It's always good to hear a man's point of view.
Can anyone tell me how to bring over something from my old post so that I can respond to it here?
So, Saturday XF shows up. I was at starbucks and got a few texts asking me where we were and why I wasn't home. My phone was in the car so I didn't see them.
When I finally answered I just text back that I would be home soon. When I got back I asked him why he had just shown up. He said because he pays the bills and can come by whenever he wants.
I said that, no, actually he can't. 1st because I don't just pop up to his and 2nd because he does not pay the bills he pays child support. Big difference. He asked me if I had plans and I ignored him. So he says brother's ex told me you have plans tonight. Who are you going out with?
I looked at him like if he was crazy and walked away from him.
We get the kids inside. They are of course over the moon to see him. I retreat and try to be cordial. Which is hard especially because he emptied his pockets and hands me everything so that he can roll around the floor and play with the kids. In there is a bank receipt. The man got paid a few days ago and is broke. Does he not see how much his new obsession is costing him or does he not care? Both I guess.
Anyway, I make dinner and he keeps talking to me, asking me questions etc. I answer but don't initiate.
I feed the kids and serve him a plate. Then I bathe them and bring them back out. He plays with them for another hour or so during which time I am texting and leaving him to the kids. In between this our youngest son came up to me for a hug and he stops and stares and says wow son you look more and more like mommy everyday.
Then it's their bed time. He helps me put them down. Back in the living room he tells me dinner was delicious. And thanks me saying he hasn't been eating much. Then we just sit there.
My phone goes off with a few texts in a row which I don't even look at. Somehow that's his in. Turns and asks why I'm not answering...is that who you were going out with? Is he upset? Is that who you text earlier? Did you tell him I'm here?
I couldn't help myself. I started laughing. Which didn't go over very well. I was laughing because he's the one that had an A. He is the one hooked on those sites and spending every dime. He is the one that told me to find someone else.
He was NOT amused. Started saying how he just wanted to see the kids. He doesn't want to bother me. He sees im doing great if I have dates lined up. He hopes Im happy. That I don't care about him. I never ask how he is doing. I never ask if he has eaten, which he hasnt because he has no money because of his car repair and making sure to give me what I needed (child support). But in reality it's that he is spending all of his money on the cam chicks.
How he wanted us to get past what he did and move forward but I can't do that. That he loves me but that this can't be his life, he is a good man and I will never find a man like him again.
That I always assume he is doing something wrong. Where I have a problem if he is on his phone. That he knows he shouldn't have kept ow in his life after the PA ended but he can't talk to me because there is no talking to me.
And I let him talk. I didn't say a word. But the fact that he was talking as if he didn't replace ow with those web girls was driving me nuts. So I went out back.
After a while he followed and calmly told me that he wanted to sleep over and spend time with the kids in the morning. I said that it was fine. Then he asked me about my mom etc so we ended up having some small talk. He asked me if I would like to watch a movie with him, so we did.
Then he made us both a drink. Okay so here I will just say 2x4s are expected as well as what happened at the end. I knew if I started drinking I would end up sleeping with him and I still did it. But damn he looked good. I wish I could un-handsome him somehow lol
I made him use protection to which he got offended because he insists the web girls are on camera and he has not met or touched anyone since I left him.
Anyway, it was amazing!!!! God I missed him. After it was over he spooned me and kept kissing my shoulder. Ugh.
I got up and got dressed and went out back again. And I cried. Not because I had any expectations. But because I am simply heart broken and since he won't do anything I need him to do I feel like our family is lost. I can not accept him back if he won't admit these girls have gone from a sometimes thing to a full blown addiction. And if he won't agree to transparency. I just can't. And he just won't.
He followed me out after maybe half an hour. Asked me why I was upset. I said I was fine. He kept asking. So I told him. He immediately stood up and said that this is what he is talking about.
I can't just enjoy our time together. That I throw his mistakes in his face every chance I get. That his privacy is his and just so I know he changed his email password. But to remember that he doesn't have access to mine either. I said, I never cared if you looked at my email and Im also not the one that should be trying to regain trust.
He just turned to me and said "baby I love you but I won't do this anymore".
I went inside and went to sleep. In the morning his phone went crazy vibrating so I got up and I went about my business. Breakfast for the kids. Cleaning. Laundry. Spoke to a friend. He finally came out and he put his phone in my face and said it's a message from FB. I said you got FB during your affair. (I know. I know. )
He sighed and said he will never win. Again. (i know!) i said no. Not if your way of fixing things is doing everything except what I need you to do. Then the kids came running in and we stopped talking.
When I put them down for a nap he said....I can see you don't really want me here. I love spending time with you and our kids but the sh!t that you say is just too much. I know I made a lot of bad choices. I know I hurt you. Ive said sorry. It's not enough and I don't know what else to do.
I hope you find someone else that can make you happy and forgive me one day. Because unless YOU get over this and YOU can let it go and move forward like I want for us then this is it. I really hope whoever you find gives you everything you want.
So if you thought me not STFU before this was bad. Nope. I lost it. Like officially lost my mind.
Why? Because when ow was actually with her own F and would threaten to find another "friend" if he didn't leave me, my XF went crazy. His immediate response to her was...."no babe please. Dont leave me. I love you. I can't stand thinking of you being with someone else. It already kills me that youre with your F. Just please tell me you love me and that we're okay". This was when I was snooping and during his PA. And those words are seared into my brain.
But I am not even talking to another man and he takes it upon himself to keep pushing me to find someone else and giving me and said fictional man, his F'ing blessing!!??!!
So I say that to him, well scream it and it snowballs. It was bad. I asked him to leave. That the difference in his responses to "losing" a mistress and losing me and our family life is ridiculous and sad and I just did not want him near me. I sarcastically thanked him for his blessing on my future relationship and then stopped talking.
After about 20 minutes he realized that I really wanted him to go. He knelt in front of me and kissed my forehead and told me that he really doesn't want to keep fighting with me and he does see the difference. That he had hoped to spend the entire day with us but will go. Then he kissed my nose, cheek and lips and left.
I know I look and sound crazy and that I do everything against attracting him back and moving on in the mean time and GALing and being mysterious. But if I can't be honest here then I have nowhere to turn.
I hate everything I did. I feel at this point that I am the reason I am still on this rollercoaster.
Anyway last night he text that he hopes I'm feeling better and wished me and the kids a good night. And this morning he text me with the same... .hey love have a great day. Give the kids a kiss from me. Except for the fighting I did have a great time with you and the kids. I just wish you would listen to me.
Rain Im sorry you are going through this. To give you the 2x4, you have to be stronger and not let him walk in and get his way. He is not taking account of your feelings and thoughts, only his.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Rain Im sorry you are going through this. To give you the 2x4, you have to be stronger and not let him walk in and get his way. He is not taking account of your feelings and thoughts, only his.
I know otw...that's the crazy part. I do all of this. I give in. Or I go crazy. Or I cry and bring up ow. Or all of the above KNOWING that I shouldn't! And thank you. That was a soft 2x4
Tonight is not a good night. I had some laughs over at MBs but this thing XF is in to I fear has become a full blown addiction. I just don't know anymore. I put up with a PA and then an EA and now this? I'm not sure that I can. I'm just sad I guess.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
