REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!

[- MB -]

Thanks Rain. Sure wish I was sleeping, but so far that eludes me. Have been up reading and thinking all night. I'm okay now I guess. I realized not long after I saw her vehicle there that I already KNEW about everything so really nothing had changed. Even though I knew that, it took me a few hours to actually convince myself of it. Nothing has changed.

I think the reason it hit me so hard is that things just haven't felt right for the last couple of weeks. He has taken time off work, been out of town twice, returned home but still didn't go back to work, etc. This just isn't like him. But, then again, NONE of this is like him! Anyway, I had tried really hard to believe that he had gone to the Dr and gotten some antidepressants and was actually taking them. I tried to believe that the reason he had taken off work, seemed to be having less contact with OW, etc was because he was actually taking the AD and was starting to realize what he is doing and that his thinking is screwed up which might bring him a little closer to turning back to me. When I saw the vehicle there, it was like suddenly that dream was crushed along with my heart.

Anyway, I'm trying to be okay with it now. Not much else I can do. Hopefully I will go to sleep soon. Goodnight.

[annab74]

::hugs:: MB!

I am so sorry you had to see OW's truck. It's one thing to know on an intellectual level that something is going on, but quite another to be confronted with the harsh reality of it. When my H was actively involved with his A, there was every red flag in the world and I would tell myself that he was cheating on me. I *knew* it with every fiber of my being. But he vehemently denied it, and I couldn't prove it, so life just went on. When I finally saw undeniable proof, it was exactly as you described. I was literally sick.

Just know you are not alone in what you're going through, and it will get better.

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and today is a better day for you.

[NYGal]

I realized not long after I saw her vehicle there that I already KNEW about everything so really nothing had changed. Even though I knew that, it took me a few hours to actually convince myself of it. Nothing has changed.

I had tried really hard to believe that he had gone to the Dr and gotten some antidepressants and was actually taking them. I tried to believe that ... he seemed to be having less contact with OW, etc was because he was actually taking the AD and was starting to realize what he is doing and that his thinking is screwed up which might bring him a little closer to turning back to me. When I saw the vehicle there, it was like suddenly that dream was crushed along with my heart.

MB, we are in a similar spot. I was having such a bad night I couldn't even get on here, but if I had seen your posts, I would have kept you company. Saturday nights are the worst because I know (well, I assume) they are together in our bed. It drives me crazy. I couldn't stop crying last night, and stayed up way too late. When I didn't see OW at the game, I fool myself into believing they aren't seeing a lot of each other. But I have no idea. I keep thinking maybe she will realize the mistake she has made, but it doesn't happen.

I feel like I had an amazing life, with someone I adored, and now it's gone in an instant. I know they all say it will get better, and I suppose after a great deal of time has passed it will. But will it ever get great again? And can I survive the process intact? That's what I don't know.

MB, I guess we just have to keep going. Let's remind each other: these affairs WILL NOT last. Our WAS's will wake up one day. They WILL miss us. We WILL be awesome. They WILL come back to stay. We will be happy again. If it gets us through, why can't we just believe???

[NYGal]

MB, one more thought. I really do believe there is hope for your M. I do believe he will be back once he realizes he has chosen something so much less than what he had with you. I don't want to give you false hope because of course we don't know for sure. But I remain optimistic for you. I really do.

[- MB -]

Thanks Anna. You are right, it is so much different to actually SEE evidence rather than just know about it. It is just so much more harsh to have it thrown in your face that way. I live so close that I could see his house if it weren't for the trees, and yet they don't even try to hide it anymore. So hurtful. Just reminds me that I am not on his mind at all. He has absolutely no concern for me whatsoever. So hard to believe when less than a month ago he claimed a Change of heart and said he wanted to work on our marriage. NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY. Why can't I remember that when his mouth is moving?

[annab74]

No, you definitely cannot believe a word they say. I found out about my H's A after finding over 1,000 text messages to a strange number at all hours of the day and night. When I confronted him, he first claimed not to know the number. Then he said it was a co-worker whom he "talked shop" with. He claimed he told this "friend" that I had discovered the messages and was upset, so she apologized and backed off out of respect. Then there were no more texts on the phone bill.

In reality, he had told OW that I was his "crazy ex" and not to talk to me if I called her. He then got a pre-pay phone and told her he got a new number because I was harassing him. I DID call her to try to figure out who she was, and she was rude to me and said she didn't know him. A couple weeks later, however, she got suspicious and called me back. Not only did he tell her I was his crazy ex when we were very much together and trying to have another baby, but he was feeding her a total line of bull too. She had no idea he was married, and he was telling her he wanted to have a family with her, etc., etc. By the time it all shook out, he admitted to us both that he never cared anything about her and was in love with me, but he just wanted someone who was easy sex and good for his ego. It was really brutal all the way around. I actually felt sorry for OW because she hadn't known about me, and was really in love with him and thinking they were building a future together.

I think when they are hopped up on all the feel good chemicals from the A, they simply are not able to care about anyone or anything but themselves.

[- MB -]

I feel like I had an amazing life, with someone I adored, and now it's gone in an instant. I know they all say it will get better, and I suppose after a great deal of time has passed it will. But will it ever get great again? And can I survive the process intact? That's what I don't know.

NYGal, I am sorry that you had a bad night as well. You can do this and so can I. Really no choice other than to just go through the pain and trust that we will be better people when we make it through it. Better for ourselves either with or without our spouses. And, yes, someday it will be great for you again. As far as surviving the process intact, you will. I think the key really is to detach and let go. I have only seen glimmers of this, but it is so peacefull when it happens. Then, I let my mind get in my way and I panic again and loose the progress I've made. I will get this eventually and so will you. Detachment is the hardest part. Just keep working at it. Keep supporting each other. Keep putting one foot in front of the other on this journey that we are on. And, slow deep breaths.

I hope you're having a good day! I'm off to shower and get ready for work. They will make sure I have my makeup on and dressed and ready to go before they call me off. Grrr.... Makeup should be fun. My eyes are so swollen from my meltdown last night with all the crying that there is no amount of makeup that will ever hide it. It's actually hard to keep my eyes open all the way because my eyelids feel so heavy. I actually hope they do call me off tonight or this is going to be embarrasing.

[- MB -]

Yea, back in December when we "got back together" for 12 days, he told me that he "made her believe" that he wanted a future with her, but that he never actually felt that way. I wonder if that was true or just another lie. Seems that if he KNEW he didn't want to be with her, then he wouldn't have put the brakes on with me and run back to her. When they are telling lies to both people, is there any truth in there? Do they mean any of it? I keep thinking about this from a standpoint of being a sane person though...and clearly he doesn't have that luxury! Hard to make sense out of total nonsense.

.....but yet, I really do wonder if anything he said to me that night when he was apologizing was true. So confusing.

[NYGal]

It's hard to know What's true or not true. And impossible to know the motivation behind what they say. When she said we would have a great relationship if only the other woman had never come along, did she mean it? Was she in some sick way trying to let me down easy? Did I make it up? I don't think so. I clearly remember her saying we could be happy. I think she's nuts. Not for thinking we would be happy, but for blowing it all up in creating such a mess.

[- MB -]

The more I think about the things, the madder I seem to get. I am having a REALLY hard time the last few days trying to figure out how and why I'm making excuses for H and sitting here basically doing NOTHING while he is having an affair right under my nose and isn't even trying to hide it anymore. I mean, why am I acting like it's fine with me for him to take his time and sleep with OW in MY bed while I just sit here and cry. I have NO contact with him at all. No texts, no phone calls, no visits, no accidentally running into each other. I have not seen him or talked to him in any shape or form in almost 3 weeks. Before that, we had our fake "let's get back together" thing for 12 days but before that I hadn't seen or talked to him in 5 WEEKS. He doesn't even have to see me or think about me at all. I am nonexistent to him. He doesn't seem to notice or care that I'm not around. Just makes it easier for him that I'm not. He thinks so little about me now that I have disappeared that he FORGOT to tell OW not to park in the front where her truck would be seen. I just feel like I'm being a good girl and staying out of his way so he will have an easier time doing whatever he wants. Guess I'm just frustrated today. Having a hard time convincing myself that this will ever work. Most people at least see or text their spouses about kids or whatever, I just have zero contact at all....ever day.....for weeks....and it won't end unless or until I go over there. I hear everyone when they say to give him time to miss me, but I already know he won't contact me. When I broke up with him years ago.....it took him 18 years to contact me! Am I supposed to wait 18 years to hear from him again? When I talked to him right before Christmas he said that he thought I was never coming back and that I had moved on without him. So, he was moving on with OW. I really wish someone would tell me what I'm supposed to do. I just can't sit here for months and never here from him ever. Feeling hopeless today.