My silence wasn't good, I'm sorry to say. I think the entire situation with the court case had kept me so distracted by being worried about my future, that I never really processed what led to me having a court case to begin with: H and his betrayals.
The weirdest thing happened. After I found out I'll likely be okay, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks - my beloved H had cheated on me. He's treated me cruely and with contempt. He's walked out on our family.
The reality just slammed into me - I'll never, ever be the same again. I've been crying on and off for days, and sick with it, too. I was doing so very well, so it's something of a disappointment to be struggling so much again.
I don't know if struggling is the right word - "crying" is definitely the right one. I am so hurt and broken inside. H's betrayal, my own bad decisions and actions, it's all just so painful. He really hurt me. I trusted him to never hurt me, and he's hurt me on so many levels, I'm reeling now.
I'm a bit calmer today - but so very sad. I think I was just so distracted by everything else, I never really had a chance to process the pain that led to me losing my head to begin with - after the event, it was all about trying to recover from my reaction - never what led to the reaction.
H has been very strange lately, being upset with me for not saying "hi" when I see him and being upset with me for not being friendly. He had the nerve to threaten me with moving back home on Friday, because he's unhappy with where the support agreement is heading.
I told him there was no way I would allow him to move back home in order to punish me. I told him that his attitude was not in any way in the right place for that to even happen, ever. What I didn't tell him was how much it killed me inside to have him threaten me with what I want most in the world as a punishment.
He spent all day Saturday here, too. Our eldest son and his wife were coming over for a while with grandbaby, which I was really looking forward to. I wasn't expecting H to show up and stay, and there was no real way to throw him out without upsetting the kids.
He invited me to dinner with all of them. I declined, saying it would be too weird. What game is he playing? I was supposed to go out and play "happy family"? To what purpose? I just don't understand him at all anymore. How can you hate me one minute, be mad at me for not being friendly the next, inviting me out to a family dinner, and then ignoring me for days?
Is it MLC confusion? Is it game-playing to the nth degree? I don't know for sure. I just know it's knocking me off-center and keeping me so very confused and unhappy. I hope this week is a better week. Hopefully, I've got the majority of the mourning behind me for now. I feel so empty inside...so disappointing because I was feeling so hopeful.
Judy it's so good to see you back on here! I was getting worried.
I was thinking you got through the pain of all of this pretty quickly. It does help to have a distraction! I'm so sorry that everything came crashing down on you after you had your court date. Not fair, get good news, then heartache. Of course none of this is fair. You did get to see your grand baby though! How old is he/she?
The next time you feel so down, lonely, sad, etc...come here and talk to us. We will talk to you and help you through it. That's what we're here for!!! We all help and lean on each other. You don't have to do this alone.
As for your H, when I read what you posted it sounded like he was just making excuses to be with you and your family. Like he misses being around. It also sounded a bit like he felt you pulling away and needed to reel you back in so he can keep you safely in your little box and not get too far away from him. You've been ignoring him and not playing the desperate jilted wife roll well enough, so he wanted to make sure you didn't get strong enough to walk away from him. He needs to keep you there for plan B in case he runs out of OW. What a jerk and a cake eater! I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and telling him there's no way he can move back in just to punish you. He was probably thinking he would say that to you and you were going to either be glad to have him back, or cower down and let him run all over you. I guarantee he wasn't thinking you'd stand up for yourself and tell him no way. Kudos to you!!! You are still that strong woman you were a week ago, you just haven't gotten completely off the roller coaster ride yet. You will get there though, and this will pass.
I'm here for you any time you need me. You just have to reach out and write something. And, if you really really need something, I remember where you live and I'm not that far away. Keep your chin up, it will get better. (((((((Judy)))))))
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Hey, H's OW is here right now. WooHoo!!! Maybe I could just lay down in the bed of her truck and I could just stow away and she'll drive me right to you. LOL
Btw...in case anyone didn't get that, it was complete sarcasm just to make Judy smile.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
