Hi all and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, for all the help, encouraging words, wise advice... holding my hand while crossing the darkness.
I still have a hard time with the whole MLC, but I guess it is really happening and it is not a lose weight project.
I gave myself some time. It is still very confusing for me when someone talks in circles saying something but not saying it. And that is what XH did.
In MO, it has two takes: 1. XH is trying to come clean with his faith. He was always a man of faith and for a long time he has been away from God. He told me he has been talking to some christian man, he probably told them what is happening to him and they advise him that he needs to forgive and ask for forgiveness in order to move on. You see, XH is a physicist, with degrees in marketing and engineering, and a director of sales. His books are "How to influence people" and other in the same line. His brain works in numbers, projects. He journal his personal to do list, like his feelings and what to do with it.
The ones that are christian will understand what this means inside your faith. For a christian if you do not forgive, you won't be free. Forgiveness is not for the other person, as much as it is for you. If you ask for forgiveness then you cleanse yourself, humble yourself and it is not as much as asking forgiveness to the other person, it is asking God's forgiveness.
It sound stupid if you do not believe, but it is something very powerful if you do.
If it was his intention, then it means that he is ready to let go on all his guilt and deception. He is ready to follow his path and is getting ready for his next journey.
2.He is still using faith as a guide to achieve his own resolution, but he is being very sincere in what he is saying to me. He started recognizing that he did many wrongs that took him into the path he is in right now.
That he really thinks that his unhappiness does not come from me, as he said it, and it is inside him and he needs to work things out with himself.
So, I can think that hope is all lost or that there is a lot of hope. In any way I am the one lost here.
I was very frustrated, mainly because I am not very patient. The material I have been reading from the divorce support group has helped me today.
It helped me to realize that my marriage is totally over, and it is not going to be the next "Walking Dead" episode. It is gone, won't ever be back.
There is a slim possibility that XH may fall in love with me again, but that never may happen.
Right now I am afraid to have hope. I am afraid to believe in anything he says to me. I am afraid he will try to manipulate me into being plan B. I am just very afraid of this pain.
I guess the only way to go from here is to continue to work on my detachment, with NC or minimal contact, try to avoid XH as much as possible. If he wants to give a second time chance to "US" as a couple, a family... then he knows my address.
The only thing I want to do is to write a letter to him and be honest. I said I did not need to forgive him because I had forgiven him already and it is not true. This weekend I looked very close inside my heart and found that I have a lot of anger and resentment.
I want to be really honest about this. I am thinking to post a letter and see what you guys think. But the reality is that I lied to him, and he will see it in my behavior. I did not let go as someone that forgives.
Today at the workshop I wrote a goodbye letter in a blue paper. I said goodbye to all the dreams I had because I was married, goodbye to a family I had before, to the holidays and vacations we could spent together, to sharing a picture at our kids graduation, wedding, grand kids. I said goodbye to the time we finally could spend just the two of us because our kids are older now. I said goodbye for the chance to lay my head on his chest and feel safe.
I still think that XH loves in some way, but I can't love him anymore the way I do. I need this feeling out of my heart so I do not become a bitter old lady, stuck.
On friday night, XH came to the house. He knocked the door, when I opened it, he had a big smile on his face and was walking in. I hold the door not all the way open and said that the boys would be right out, then closed the door.
On saturday, he did the same, I did not let him in. I asked him about the kids insurance cards with him outside the house. He walked closer to the door and said that he was just waiting for the kids. I said to him: I am sorry for this, but you left and you do not want to come back. He was sad and said to me: It's OK, I understand. Then I just closed the door.
It's not easy. For me it seems like he uses everything to keep that contact with me. He is very irresponsible, I need basically ask him for everything. Insurance, taxes papers, need to see his mail, his stuff in the garage, money that he owns me, and so on.
This week I decided I need to find the way to be the best ofe me. Time for decision, time to change, time to be a very independent and happy woman again. I need to feel great, I need to feel worthy, I need to prepare myself for my next chapter.
Sorry to mumble so much. I am somewhat lost in the XH curb ball.
