My silence wasn't good, I'm sorry to say. I think the entire situation with the court case had kept me so distracted by being worried about my future, that I never really processed what led to me having a court case to begin with: H and his betrayals.
The weirdest thing happened. After I found out I'll likely be okay, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks - my beloved H had cheated on me. He's treated me cruely and with contempt. He's walked out on our family.
The reality just slammed into me - I'll never, ever be the same again. I've been crying on and off for days, and sick with it, too. I was doing so very well, so it's something of a disappointment to be struggling so much again.
I don't know if struggling is the right word - "crying" is definitely the right one. I am so hurt and broken inside. H's betrayal, my own bad decisions and actions, it's all just so painful. He really hurt me. I trusted him to never hurt me, and he's hurt me on so many levels, I'm reeling now.
I'm a bit calmer today - but so very sad. I think I was just so distracted by everything else, I never really had a chance to process the pain that led to me losing my head to begin with - after the event, it was all about trying to recover from my reaction - never what led to the reaction.
H has been very strange lately, being upset with me for not saying "hi" when I see him and being upset with me for not being friendly. He had the nerve to threaten me with moving back home on Friday, because he's unhappy with where the support agreement is heading.
I told him there was no way I would allow him to move back home in order to punish me. I told him that his attitude was not in any way in the right place for that to even happen, ever. What I didn't tell him was how much it killed me inside to have him threaten me with what I want most in the world as a punishment.
He spent all day Saturday here, too. Our eldest son and his wife were coming over for a while with grandbaby, which I was really looking forward to. I wasn't expecting H to show up and stay, and there was no real way to throw him out without upsetting the kids.
He invited me to dinner with all of them. I declined, saying it would be too weird. What game is he playing? I was supposed to go out and play "happy family"? To what purpose? I just don't understand him at all anymore. How can you hate me one minute, be mad at me for not being friendly the next, inviting me out to a family dinner, and then ignoring me for days?
Is it MLC confusion? Is it game-playing to the nth degree? I don't know for sure. I just know it's knocking me off-center and keeping me so very confused and unhappy. I hope this week is a better week. Hopefully, I've got the majority of the mourning behind me for now. I feel so empty inside...so disappointing because I was feeling so hopeful.
