I wanted to chime in here as a former reformed MLCer. I've got to hand it to XH for initiating this convo....hats off to him. You handled it really well.
To me, this discussion is the beginning of the maturation process. What this means is that your XH is on a forward path toward healing and it has its own timetable. IF you really want reconciliation, the best way to achieve this end is to be excellent co-parent with him to the kids.
From that co-parenting relationship, then the friendship will blossom and I really think that you two will learn to re-discover each other.
For me, I would find it incredibly hard to ask Ms. Wonka for a second chance because it, to me, would be like swallowing pride and admitting to you that we acted god-awful to you. That is the real self-awareness that I am seeing here when the fog dissipates. The real benchmark for a MLCer on a path of healing is showing true remorse for their actions. It's that CRITICAL point when one can say, "ah, a true turning point...."
Pink, I read what KML posted above and understand her view. My only hesitation is that your H has been - as I think it was Wonka said - a kitty MLCer - regularly coming back for reassurance - but then continuing with the wayward behaviour.
Might it be an option to thank him for all that he said - acknowledge that it must have taken a great deal for him to have spoken in that way, and that you appreciate it. As for asking him whether he is asking for another chance, I'm not so sure - but maybe others with more experience than me may chime in. It would always be an option to let him know you are there if he wants to talk again at some point - and let a little time pass...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pink, when I read your posts about H asking for a meeting, I was kind of thinking that he wanted to have that conversation (that actually happened when you met), I just could not imagine it would be to this extend. Wow! I agree with kml that it took a lot of courage for your XH to come to you and have this conversation. I also agree that he just didn’t have a nerve to ask you for a second chance, especially after your NC attitude. He doesn’t know what is going on in your mind, he probably thinks that you are so done with him. To Wonka’s point, it could be very hard for him to do that next step right now.
I completely agree with the advice to let the co-parenting and friendship relationships to develop. I don’t think you need to do or ask anything at this point. Maybe just let him know one more time (when the chance presents itself) that you appreciate him opening up to you.
I agree with rd, job and Sotto too, about going on about your business and taking care of yourself. And, BTW, you did great listening to him and handling the conversation!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I just read back and bit has happened, the thing that stuck out for me is:
When asking for the meeting he said he wasn't trying to make any big changes
Yet now he's asked for forgiveness.
I'm not sure that's he's asking for a second chance, some people need to ease the guilty feelings by asking for forgiveness they think that herding you say sorry means the damage is fixed and any fall out is over.
That things go back to the nicey nice and they are now not the bad guys so no sins are atoned for.
It could be the beginning of the road, but maybe not yet.
I once read and I forget who said it if they want to r then nothing will stop them showing this they will if ready to do anything show it. There will be more than one chance.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hi Peace - thanks so much for posting all that your h said. It is so helpful to those who follow. Of course, it seems to be what all the vets tell us it is. But, nonetheless, it still shocking, to me, that MLC is so very real. It was so painful to read that he had to lose everything to see what he had. They really do need to spiral down to that "rock bottom."
I have to give you tremendous credit for your kindness and the graciousness you showed your h. Your h's actions will show themselves but I hope that his words will give you the chance to continue to seal up your wounds.
You are a very good person.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Pink. Thank you so much for sharing your post. Being someone who has a hard time opening up to someone I can be rejected by, I think your H showed a great bravery in opening up. You handled it great by just listening and letting him get it out.
Only time will tell what H will do in the coming future, or what his purpose was for telling you these things. I say take time to process it. After being hurt so badly I am sure his words are bringing on some strong feelings. Let it happen in its time, in the meantime, be good to you!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Pink, I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope you are feeling a little more settled in yourself and have been having a good weekend. Are you going to make it to your workshop again this evening? Drop us an update when you get chance and let us know how you are doing Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. I can see why this is a very confusing time for you. I think Wonka is very wise, so I'd listen to her. I hope you made it to your workshop tonight.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
