B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

Evening all.

I ended up sending her a text the day Azzork replied. I had a bad weekend with the WW last weekend. Told her I was very angry with her and that I was responding to her poorly and letting my emotions control my actions and I apologize. She responded with something like, I understand and I'm sorry things are so hard.

There was no communication for several days. A text or two on Friday and I drove the kids over to her in the snow.

What [censored] for me is that she is DB'ing me. She can look at and talk to me and seemingly be completely unaffected. She is making zero contact AT ALL unless its to get the kids or tell me I need to give her some money for something.

I mean, I should just be jumping for joy right? Sent out into the world as a single man. The thing is, I can't overstate how alone I am. I know I still have my kids. But I don't have anyone else in the world that I can relate to really on a deeply personal level. I mean I've made what seems to be a pretty good friend from AA, and I like him, but something about seems off. He invited me over for dinner last night with his two kids and it was actually really nice. Yesterday was his 1 year anniversary of his wife walking out on him.

I don't know. I'm okay, I guess. It's just this is so hard. I have to truly turn to God here, and just accept that is His will, and then accept whatever new version of my life will be revealed to me in the future, rather than the life that I had been anticipating for decades.

I don't know. I'm depressed. But I'm not crying. I've been studying. Got another exam coming up in not too long.

Its just this whole no contact thing. I know that its my only choice, to take care of me and build me back, but the fact that she simply is fine with letting everything that was ours go is just so hurtful. I know technically nothing is final yet, and won't be legally for about 8 1/2 months...but it just feels so final.

Oh well. Be not afraid.