More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Below are exact copy/pastes from my journal from 4-5 years ago (only removed XW's name). For those that don't know, I struggled with something on the scale of an EA. I don't say it was an EA because I never actually spoke to another woman about anything inappropriate...but I FELT feelings that I know were inappropriate. My M was in the toilet, I was a new manager and big shot on campus, and I had a couple of younger women working for me. For someone like me that NEVER talks to women and struggled with boundaries, this was something I wasn't ready for. The result, I started to feel incredibly attracted to one of them. It even had me questioning my marriage. I never acted on it in any way, but tried talking to IC and my best friend to get the help I needed. Finally after about two months of being freaked out about my feelings I told my boss and XW, and offered my resignation, saying my marriage came first and I couldn't risk being in that environment anymore. After that I want to make it clear that I remained faithful and dedicated to my marriage and wrote many more pages about why leaving was never going to be an option for me.

Long post, not particularly educational or enlightening. But it's pretty raw. It definitely shows the allure of an EA, the temptation. Maybe it helps to find compassion for WAS's. Maybe it makes for interesting reading, or people can get to know me better. Maybe I reveal a lot about the person I am, either by what I wrote, or by what I'm saying these days in contrast. Not sure, just thought I'd share.

There are certain people that make me feel alive. I feel like there is something special about them, and I form a connection. I understand their style. Just being around them feels right. I feel like they get me and appreciate me for being me. The problem is I don’t, and never really have, felt this way about my wife. I love her and she is one of the greatest people I know (way beyond just a chemical feeling, she is deep down amazing), I just never really felt magic. She loves me, but she doesn’t savor the things about me that really make me who I am.
a. Is this important to a successful marriage?
b. Can it be developed?
c. If not, is it ok to get this feeling outside of marriage?

Personally, I feel it is important because I have longed for connection all of my life. My wife is opposite to me in many ways. Sometimes this is great, after all I am the one with the issues. She keeps me balanced. Increasingly, though, I yearn for more. Other women I have met seem to ‘get me’, not just understand me, but respect and admire the things I do.

This is really tough. I have a hard time spending a lot of time with my wife. As long as I keep really busy at work and playing pool and we have limited time together it works ok. It’s like we artificially create situations in which our interaction is lower level needs, catching up, etc. The thought of going on a road trip together, say, is scary. I’m not sure we could talk for that long. With many of my friends we could talk everyday for weeks, with my dad forever, with W it might be two minutes. If we are going to be on rocking chairs together someday, I can’t shoot pool, run a company, and my other friends are dying off, how will this play out? I guess I am freaked because I can’t see getting through the rest of my life without more.

Then again, she is amazing in so many ways. She gives me everything that she has to give. She is the best mother in the world. There are so many good things. And we have a family now. Three children. Part of me says that the world isn’t about satisfying every desire, and that at this point I have given up my ability to satisfy this particular one. If I chase after that I lose so many other things and destroy the life she built as well.

BUT, if I have to wrestle with this everyday, can I really expect to win this fight for 40 years? If I’m going to give in, wouldn’t it be better to do it sooner than later? Doesn’t she deserve someone that is a match for her? Or is this an excuse, there is no one else for her and she would never meet them anyway with three kids, I am just completely selfish?

I believe in a committed marriage. I really want to find a way to either let go of my needs, find a way to satisfy them, or some combination of these that will make it easier for me to make this work. I don’t believe there is anything out there that two committed people can’t achieve on their own. I read that after 7 years of marriage all couples feel about the same, regardless of how things were in the beginning. If that’s the case I would be foolish to take any action at this point beyond loving my wife.

Besides, I think I am pretty down in general. I have been a bit dark lately. It could just be that I feel this way because something is wrong with me. Sometimes when I interact with the women I work with I feel good. Like flirting, only genuine understanding and support. It makes me feel happy. At first I thought this meant something, now I think it is like a morphine drip that I use when I am in a lot of pain. It isn’t particularly healthy, and if I broke up my family to get with one of these women it would be disaster. The good feelings of the morphine would go away soon enough, meanwhile I would create many, many more problems in my life. I can’t see this ending well. But sometimes I am in so much pain I do things just to get through the day. I have leaned on these women a couple of times because I just felt so empty.

Having just reread this I think there is another issue equally important. Not only do I have a hard time spending time with my wife, I have a hard time spending time with my children. I love them, but I just have a hard time being interested in what they are showing me. I try to force myself to see them for a few minutes here and there, but this is no substitute for genuine enthusiastic interaction. I don’t want to damage my kids or deprive them, I just can’t get into it. So maybe this is all me, something keeping me from bonding with those available to me.

If so, can this be changed? Is this a permanent personality issue? What should I do???

I want more from my life partner than I have ever gotten from W. I feel similar to when I used to buy books that I didn’t read. I bought books that I may not have really been interested in because it was the type of book that I wanted to be interested in. In the end I either didn’t read them or I didn’t enjoy them. I feel that W is the kind of girl that I wish I was into. But do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I am with simply out of a promise I made before I really knew what I really desired?
So even if we fix this, get through our disconnection, and learn to better understand each others needs, will we ever have a fulfilling relationship, or is this evidence that the best we could do is cope with our dissatisfaction until all of our years have come and gone?
I may just remember being more dissatisfied now because we are currently in a hard spot, but I’ll never know if I don’t stick it out.
But how do you work towards a vision you don’t really believe in? Is that healthy and fair?
After eight years it would be foolish not to try. I’m just trying to rush this because I am so uncomfortable I want it over with. Besides, my desire to find a more fulfilling partner may just be a fantasy that I am using to medicate myself while facing a devastating loss.
But if this is a marriage of convenience I could say the same thing, that I am simply clinging to a belief that it will all work out if we both want it bad enough so that I don’t have to go through an excruciating divorce.
True, I can’t be sure. But if I can’t be sure I should error on the side of keeping what I have. I am basically giving up a handicap by getting a divorce. 2nd marriages are statistically less successful, I’ll have children I don’t see, child support to pay, and baggage going into everything I do going forward. So if there is doubt I should error on the side of keeping what I have.
But if there is a chance of finding a more meaningful partnership with someone else should I really commit my life to someone that doesn’t make me feel lucky?
Everyone in a relationship wrestles with that. It comes down to if you want to wrestle with that with a life long loyal companion and partner of if you want to wrestle with that alone or with someone else that isn’t as loyal while being separated from the family you could have if you stuck it out.
Life isn’t about getting everything that you want, that’s not even possible. It’s about being appreciative for what you have. Like the dog that drops his bone wanting the bone in the reflection in the water will I lose everything by chasing an impossible standard?
Besides, I am a perfectionist, maybe no one is ever good enough for me.
But at the end of the day if I am discontent enough to leave then doesn’t that mean I made the right decision? Can you ever really make a mistake?
Life will go on but it may cause pain and lasting consequences that I will never heal from.