Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

Hey IP. It's hard to be in these situations. We have been so hurt that we have reason to be angry. It just doesn't help us get what we want, and it doesn't make us feel any better.

When I read your posts I see an awful lot of judgment and criticism. For example, your summary of what's going on is an actual bullet point list of where your H isn't behaving how you want him to:

I'm afraid I don't think I entirely agree with this point Zues (sorry). It was just a summary of what he has done so far because that is the viewpoint I have. Only he could give the situation from the point of view of what I've done the last 11 weeks. Also, I do think that if I came on here and posted that I intended to spend £1000s that we don't have, behind my H's back, on my dream kitchen while I still have H's money coming in, because "that'll teach him!" I think you'd soon be on my H's side thinking that I was an awful money grabbing W trying to sponge every penny off him before he divorces me. That is what he has done by buying this bike. In a M you don't just go and spend £1000s without it being a joint decision and we are not D yet so I firmly believe he shouldn't have done it.

{quote=Zues126]

Yes, they don't believe in this DBing stuff as the way they see it, it is just a license for H to behave however badly he wants with no consequences. I have to admit, it is seeming that that is how it is at the moment.

Do you understand that critical, controlling, judgmental, resentful, and punishing isn't helpful?[/quote] Yes, I can see that it isn't helpful, although I do think it is understable when someone is in this kind of awful situation that is out of their control.

[quote=inpain]
a) we were arguing a lot about how he treats S11, criticizing his parenting?

No, not exactly. I have tried over and over to gently help him with his parenting. He isn't great at parenting, and that is not just me who thinks so. I could tell you many things he does and you would be appalled judging from what I've read about how wonderful you are with your children. My family and friends have all commented on the things he does and that they are not good. He himself admits he is too harsh but has no intention of changing or doing anything about it.

b) I have, up until probably the last year before he moved out, been resistent to his hugs etc, because he has done nothing punishing/controlling?

Possibly this can be seen like this, but if that is what it is it was not done consciously by me. In order for me to feel 'safe' again in this area I needed reassurances from him. He didn't give them.

Did you read my card game post to Pyrite? About how behavior affects each other and interferes with accountability?

No, I haven't but I'll check it out!

I think you feel like giving up because you are realizing you can't control H, and if that's the case then you don't want him. If H came back, and assuming that he broke off any EA, would you be willing to accept and love him the way he is? Or would your love be contingent upon him feeling and acting the way you want him to?

I don't feel like giving up, I just think I should be protecting myself financially.

Sounds to me like he struggled in the relationship with you. I would guess he felt judged, criticized, controlled, and attacked a lot. This also means he felt unappreciated, unloved, misunderstood, rejected, neglected, and diminished. He met a woman that made him feel totally different. That admired him the way he was, made him feel important, liked the way he was instead of the image of how they thought he ought to be. Like a man dying of thirst he started to drink from that water...but his LOVE for you kept him from divorcing you, or going further...so he tried to end it and come back to his wife, to be faced with what? Further rejection, criticism, and punishment? So he finally gave up because he couldn't live like that anymore...

You're probably right with your guess. Although what you describe above happened AFTER his first dalliance with this OW. His first dalliance with her was because I had PND.

I don't agree with his choices. And no matter what, they are his choices. But I can't say I agree with yours either. And I don't think he or many men want to be in a relationship like this.

No, you're right, I'm sure they don't, and neither do I. I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't trust my H because he doesn't tell the truth and thinks it's OK to meet up with OW for coffee and whatever else.

What can you do to become a woman only a fool would leave? I think you need to change the topics of your posts away from H's behavior, and start exploring your role in your relationship, where it comes from, and what you can do to loosen up the death grip a bit.

I think it comes from complete and utter insecurity because of the constant bombshells that have dripped into my marriage over several years, but maybe I'm not looking deeply enough? I don't know.