Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

Hey IP. It's hard to be in these situations. We have been so hurt that we have reason to be angry. It just doesn't help us get what we want, and it doesn't make us feel any better.

When I read your posts I see an awful lot of judgment and criticism. For example, your summary of what's going on is an actual bullet point list of where your H isn't behaving how you want him to:

Basic current situation in a nutshell is this:

* H moved out 11 weeks ago. He is living on the same street, so only a short walk from our home.

* He chooses as and when to come round and how long to stay. He has let the children down a lot, telling them he will be coming and then not showing up - doesn't even call or text to say he's no longer coming.

* When he comes round it is like nothing has changed - he treats me the same and starts all the conversations as I am only speaking when spoken to in an effort to be 'dark'. He has cooked meals and had meals I've cooked. (I wonder if this should stop?)

* Finances are still running the same as before he moved out - joint accounts etc. This is worrying me!

* He has started a Facebook page that he doesn't know I know about. He originally had his relationship status as 'single', now it has changed to 'it's complicated'.

* I have discovered he has bought a motorbike since he left. Again, he doesn't know that I know this. I have no idea how much this has cost out of our joint finances!

* He has also taken out a credit card - he doesn't know that I know this either.

Judging him for what he is doing:

This seems odd that it is OK for him to do this even though he wants a divorce. This sort of spending should be done when we are divorced surely. He has repeatedly said that he wants me to hurry up and pay the visa off, that has joint spending on it, so that he can go to a solicitor and start proceedings but then he takes out more finance behind my back!?!?! I really don't see how this is OK.

And feeling like you are 'letting him get away' with it.

Yes, they don't believe in this DBing stuff as the way they see it, it is just a license for H to behave however badly he wants with no consequences. I have to admit, it is seeming that that is how it is at the moment.

Do you understand that critical, controlling, judgmental, resentful, and punishing isn't helpful?

Where is all of this coming from?

You really seem to see his behavior as bad, and your own bad behavior as his fault because it's a natural reaction to how horrible of a husband he has been. When I asked you why he left, you really took the focus off your behavior. Look:

a) we were arguing a lot about how he treats S11, criticizing his parenting? b) I have, up until probably the last year before he moved out, been resistent to his hugs etc, because he has done nothing punishing/controlling?to prove that his R with OW wasn't physical and I have had a hard time dealing with it. H has done very little to set right the lack of trust and pain that has come from his EA/PA and constant lies about contact with her over spanning many years, c) He doesn't love me like a wife any more. more judgment/criticism?

Did you read my card game post to Pyrite? About how behavior affects each other and interferes with accountability?

I think you feel like giving up because you are realizing you can't control H, and if that's the case then you don't want him. If H came back, and assuming that he broke off any EA, would you be willing to accept and love him the way he is? Or would your love be contingent upon him feeling and acting the way you want him to?

I think the anger comes from feeling that he has not been a good H to me for a long time. I had PND - he left and began an EA. He then has continued to lie and contact OW since he came back and then done nothing to try to mend the situation and my heartbreak/lack of trust. And then now he says ILYBNILWY!!! After everything he has put me through and hasn't bothered to put right he comes out with that!?!?! Yes, I'm angry about it.

I get it. I'm sorry for your pain. I want you to suffer less in the future and be free to live your life.

Not sure how I can be a person he'd be a fool to leave other than what I already do

Sounds to me like he struggled in the relationship with you. I would guess he felt judged, criticized, controlled, and attacked a lot. This also means he felt unappreciated, unloved, misunderstood, rejected, neglected, and diminished. He met a woman that made him feel totally different. That admired him the way he was, made him feel important, liked the way he was instead of the image of how they thought he ought to be. Like a man dying of thirst he started to drink from that water...but his LOVE for you kept him from divorcing you, or going further...so he tried to end it and come back to his wife, to be faced with what? Further rejection, criticism, and punishment? So he finally gave up because he couldn't live like that anymore...

I don't agree with his choices. And no matter what, they are his choices. But I can't say I agree with yours either. And I don't think he or many men want to be in a relationship like this.

What can you do to become a woman only a fool would leave? I think you need to change the topics of your posts away from H's behavior, and start exploring your role in your relationship, where it comes from, and what you can do to loosen up the death grip a bit.