Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[inpain]

Hi Zues, thank you again for your very helpful post. I really do appreciate how much your are helping me. I'm glad to hear you think I'm doing a good job of GAL!

180s- why did H say he couldn't live with you? What was your role in the breakdown of the M? Why did H leave?

H left because a) we were arguing a lot about how he treats S11, b) I have, up until probably the last year before he moved out, been resistent to his hugs etc, because he has done nothing to prove that his R with OW wasn't physical and I have had a hard time dealing with it. H has done very little to set right the lack of trust and pain that has come from his EA/PA and constant lies about contact with her over spanning many years, c) He doesn't love me like a wife any more.

1. No. This is good. He wants to see you. He is having positive interactions. I agree that it's ok to be a little scarce sometimes, to leave him wanting more. I like the 80% rule. Reciprocate about 80% of the good will he is showing you.

I really do not think he wants to see me - I am just an unfortunate added extra when he comes round to see the children. As soon as they have been put to bed, in fact, most times as soon as I say they have to get ready for bed, he leaves. He is coming to see them only and I just happen to be here. I do like the 80% idea anyway though, I'll give this a try.

2. No. IP, please don't mention the motor bike again. STFU about this. Suppose you had a friend that was tweaked because her husband bought a $40 watch. Wouldn't that be odd? Well, to me, your family is on the brink and your H is hurting like he's never hurt before. Busting his balls about money is not going to bring you closer to your goal. He's an adult. Yes, they are joint finances. I'll address this below.

Even though he has taken out £1000s of finance to buy it? £1000s of finance that we cannot afford!?!?! This seems odd that it is OK for him to do this even though he wants a divorce. This sort of spending should be done when we are divorced surely. He has repeatedly said that he wants me to hurry up and pay the visa off, that has joint spending on it, so that he can go to a solicitor and start proceedings but then he takes out more finance behind my back!?!?! I really don't see how this is OK.

Your mom and dad are both horribly, horribly, horribly wrong. They love you and don't want to see you hurt. AND they are only seeing through your lens, which right now is $hit-tinted.

Yes, they don't believe in this DBing stuff as the way they see it, it is just a license for H to behave however badly he wants with no consequences. I have to admit, it is seeming that that is how it is at the moment.

I have read many posts you come across as more angry and controlling that most posters and you have more reason to be appreciative. This does not mean your feelings aren't valid, but it should be a wake up call to you.

I do not understand how I am coming across as angry - that is quite worrying!

My gut tells me that you really need your H. You don't just love him, you NEED him. And you need him the way you need him. I would bet that because of that you were extremely controlling in the relationship. Schedules, finances, ultimatums, all controlling. You seem to get angry when he doesn't do what you think he ought to, and you are very critical of him.

Yes and no here. I do need him and love him, you're spot on there. Schedules - no, not controlling there, there really isn't much to control, his shifts are terrible and the kids and I have always done most things on our own. Finances - yes, but by his doing! I have given up asking him to look at our finances with me. He knows I know what I'm doing with it and has always trusted me to pay the bills. He understands little about it and I used to work in finance so he has always just let me do it. Ultimatums - not really sure what you mean by this. If anything, I would say he has been the one giving ultimatums, in that he has constantly said to me since it came to light about his continued contact and poss PA with OW, "Get over it or leave, you know where the door is." Critical of him - yes, I hold my hand up here, and have held my hand up and apologised repeatedly for this to him. I am critical by nature and a perfectionist.

The only way you can do this is if you lose the control/anger thing, so your 180s/goals should be to figure out where this is coming from and get it handled. Otherwise if he comes back I'm afraid he will leave for good in about 18 months.

I think the anger comes from feeling that he has not been a good H to me for a long time. I had PND - he left and began an EA. He then has continued to lie and contact OW since he came back and then done nothing to try to mend the situation and my heartbreak/lack of trust. And then now he says ILYBNILWY!!! After everything he has put me through and hasn't bothered to put right he comes out with that!?!?! Yes, I'm angry about it.

Zues promises this won't continue long. Either he'll move farther away or he'll move closer. And either way I'm more worried about what he'll see if he moves closer. So let me ask- other than vows and what YOU need, why should he come home?

Because I know we could have a great relationship if we both put our minds to it. Because it is best for his kids.

What does he have to look forward to if he comes home? Is this where you say 'now I've got you you son of a b1tch, now that you want this M back we're going to tell you exactly how much you hurt me, punish you for being a bad boy, and we're going to set up some new rules for you to live by so I never get hurt again...'? Like trying to call a dog that knows it's in trouble and that you're going to beat it?

I can see exactly what you're saying here. It doesn't sound good and I don't really know what to say!

Or are you emotionally prepared to reward him for being a good man, serving him in a way you failed to prior to his walking away, and being a person he'd be a fool to leave?

I'm not sure what this would look like either and not really sure what you mean. Thank him for providing for us? Not pushing him away? The past year it has been me asking for affection and he has not been remotely interested until our holiday in August...and that occasion he cannot even remember he says! Not sure how I can be a person he'd be a fool to leave other than what I already do. I look good, I do everything I can to provide us with a lovely, welcoming home, look after our children pretty much single-handedly (even prior to him moving out). Yes, I have not let him buy a motorbike - because we couldn't afford for him too. Gee, I'd love a new kitchen too but...we cannot afford one so I haven't got one!