New Year, New Attitude

[ciluzen]

Lucky for me, the majority of the snow is staying in the mountains here. I really don't envy those on the boards who are dealing with it on the other side of the country, right now! I feel ya, peeps!

Nothing major to report on my sitch.

Had to call H to give him a phone # and message from our insurance agent. I prefer to call in some instances rather than text. Texts are sometimes read "wrong" due to the reader's feelings because the sender's tone and vocal expression are not present. Since it had to do with our vacation property and H believes that is a sore subject for me, I felt he needed to hear my friendly upbeat tone...not the one he would likely imagine.

Anyway, also texted H the next day asking if he'd heard from D23. She has been fighting some major issues and tends to "go underground" when things get bad. No conversation, just a short reply on his part. I did get a hold of her and had a good talk. Spoke to her again yesterday and I believe I have convinced her to go skiing after church with me today. She is a great skier/snowboarder and it will be her first time up this year due to her work schedule. Looking forward to having some time out of the house to have fun. Maybe get a little vitamin D and endorphins flowing will help both of us.

I also have been struggling not to lean on my older D25 so much. She keeps bringing up conversations she has with H; not about our R. But I often then end up asking questions or even asking if H asks or talks about me. I am trying very hard to avoid this and have asked her not to bring him up unless it is really important.

I will continue trying to not contact H unless necessary, but I still get into a funk and start obsessively overthinking about him after any contact. This weekend has been very hard because I have a commissioned painting to finish and so I had to spend a lot of time alone. That's when I start worrying about future things (our birthdays and anniversary are coming up and occur in a 17 day span) and H.

I have so many questions to ask him, so many things I've learned and want to show him or share. But I can't. He doesn't trust me yet to not go back to my old ways of attempting to control. I guess I don't fully trust myself, either.

The DB path actually seems to work well, if I can just be patient and let him think things out on his own...one way or another limbo will eventually end. I see good results when I stick to the DB plan. Then I question what I've seen, overthink it and get depressed. But the fact is, as MWD has written, I have to notice the small improvements in his interactions with me. And they ARE there.

As has been said by many posters before, detaching is hard. I need patience and strength.