I have been reading along with your posts, i am sorry that this situation has finally come to a head. Unfortunately, not what you have been working towards. I want to say some things, maybe i am off base...hope not.
Something i have wanted to say since i read about your wifes father getting sick, is that she us very confused about what she is supposed to feel about this. Should she be glad that the man who destoyed her innocence is finally going to be gone, should she forgive him...after all he was her daddy and she was his little girl? It is such a destructive force if you can imagine that.
Your wife has never worked through this with any conviction. Your wife has built a reality where effectively her daddy was not a bad man. She instead has turned this on you. You are the enemy. I don not believe that this is warranted in yhe least. I will agree with GB here that your snooping was only a scapegoat activity, a springboard for her to do what she thinks she has to. She is making you to be the bad guy here, else she might have to look in a mirror and face the hard truths if her life.
I worry for her, i pray for her as you should. This fight however is hers. So very rarely can a woman go through this with the man that she loved and has made a family with. It is sad really, but i have seen countless situations similar to ours where the wife figuratively, throw it all away and turns all of the anger she has held onto for decades at her husband. It is not all that different with men who have suffered similar abuses as a child, just a bit more prevelant in woman due to the abysmal frequency that this sort of abuse happens. She needs your marriage to be over right now and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
I did say right now. That doesnt mean things are done. It doesnt mean you have to give up. What i would like to do is remember a few things that you have been learning all these months trying to save your marriage and i hope you really stsrt to embrace self-care here. I know youve been exercising and this and that. ..however it has always sort of seamed like your steps were taken because you knew that was the next thing you needed to do to get your wife back. Not kicking you while you are down, this is a post hoping to shake up reality (and i get it, know I do because i have done it for too long).
You cannot push against her right now. She is done. Let her have her fantasy escape, because she is done. She could not be any clearer. Any attempts at this point will translate into you being a stalker or worse in her mind and she will let the world know her revelations
You don't have to stop loving her, she will always be in your heart. She will always be the mother to your children. You cannot sacrifice yourself to her any more though. You are a man worthy of love and younare going to start today.
First things first, you need to play nice. I am not even close to suggesting that you give in to demands...rather let you solicitor deal with her. This is going to be hard to hear but you can no longer trust this woman, ok? It is her separation / Divorce= ... dont get in the way, ok???
Don't let her rants dictate your behavior - detachment has been teaching you how, right? She appears calm right now, because you are going along nicely with her. Once you start arguing, it will get nasty.
Sigh, i have so much to type here but i fear that i will stray and lose what im trying to get to in the first place...that was please take care of yourself here!
Find a group - divorce grouop, spouse of survivor support group, child sexual abuse support group - right now it does not matter.. .just find one and start talking and healing, ok?
You will eventually need to decompress from all of this. You have effectively been living a lie for years, that you were in control of the outcone of your marriage, but we know not that nothing you could gave done in the last five years will have changed this outcome. Take a deep breath here and reread thst sentence. It is a truth that i have learned to be true. You will need to work through this too and accept that although You had a hand in some of thebarguements and details, you did not hurt your wife or break her. She needs to be on this journey to get where she needs to go.
GAL and self love are going to be your grestest allies here. We already know how resilliant you are. We already know that you are a stalwart of a man, willing to love a woman no matter what her flaws, never waivering, never straying despite the long gaps of giving back to you. Those are gifts to you from god himself that will be tressures ready to be discovered by the world. Your wife has always know about them and unfortunately that level of commitment, love desire is exactly what she cannot face anymore - if she did, that would mean her fantasy reality would be shattered and she would have to face herself, she is not ready for that.
I really need you to hear my words of pain in my typing, i know that it sounds like giving up, like admitting if you let her go that you are not worthy of being loved. That logic is wrong. Straight up. You have been manipulated for so long and longing to be wanted by this woman that you have left yourself ipen to this belief. Truth is you are an amazing guy. Truth is you are a tremendous father. Truth is you are a pinnacle in your field, a great employee and can be a phenomenal provider. You are a supportive, caring, loving man who is willing to give despite getting back...do you have issues, ya who the phuck among us doesn't.( a lot of them come from living in a borderline abusive marriage for years, her lies and decietfulness, anxiety, codependency, etc) .. you will get theough this and you are going to come out of this more than ok. Those traits, am I wrong with any of them, no...ok then...that is a great husband right there, ok? By definition a great husband. Yes there will be some things you can change with travel, or child custody, yes thst will be on your list of things to work on...but not today.
Today is a new day. With all respect to you, i wish for you the very best life will offer, you have show me that you deserve no less.
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