Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

Lot to reply to so this is going to be rough, not going to be doing much proof reading.

Good job on GAL. Doesn't matter that it doesn't make everything permanently better and is only temporary relief. There is no magic pill that's going to make the loss of your family ok. That would be absurd. Consider this like physical therapy to recover after an accident. What it really does is provide outlets for oyu to find some joy and emotional support in your life. You are rebuilding a new infrastructure in which you get what you need. As you get what you need the pain decreases and you won't need H. You will want your family, but you won't depend on him and can detach.

180s- why did H say he couldn't live with you? What was your role in the breakdown of the M? While WAS's spew a lot and we have to sift out a lot of their narrative, there is also a lot of truths to be found. Ultimately your changes do have to be for you, but the motivation to save your marriage can be a powerful catalyst so it's crucial that you think about this. Again, I could go back several posts to find this, but I shouldn't have to. Why did H leave?

Your questions-

1. No. This is good. He wants to see you. He is having positive interactions. I agree that it's ok to be a little scarce sometimes, to leave him wanting more. I like the 80% rule. Reciprocate about 80% of the good will he is showing you.
2. No. IP, please don't mention the motor bike again. STFU about this. Suppose you had a friend that was tweaked because her husband bought a $40 watch. Wouldn't that be odd? Well, to me, your family is on the brink and your H is hurting like he's never hurt before. Busting his balls about money is not going to bring you closer to your goal. He's an adult. Yes, they are joint finances. I'll address this below.
3. No. Don't make it worse. Do you want a divorce? Why would taking steps towards divorce help? Separating finances, keeping him out of your house and having visiting hours...if you want a divorce then do it, but if you want a marriage why don't you just chill?

Your mom and dad are both horribly, horribly, horribly wrong. They love you and don't want to see you hurt. AND they are only seeing through your lens, which right now is $hit-tinted.

IP, most posters would kill to have what you have. An H that is spending a ton of time with you, showing love through acts of service, not flaunting affairs and drinking to oblivion, not bringing other women around the kids.

Many men leave for a day or a month when things boil over. I look at it like counting to 10 when you are too angry to continue the conversation. He was in so much pain he had to walk. You can either try to understand why and own and change your part of it, or you can absolutely crucify him.

I have read many posts you come across as more angry and controlling that most posters and you have more reason to be appreciative. This does not mean your feelings aren't valid, but it should be a wake up call to you.

My gut tells me that you really need your H. You don't just love him, you NEED him. And you need him the way you need him. I would bet that because of that you were extremely controlling in the relationship. Schedules, finances, ultimatums, all controlling. You seem to get angry when he doesn't do what you think he ought to, and you are very critical of him. Men are simple...appreciation/admiration = love, criticism/rejection = poison. By showing criticism/rejection in an effort to control him and get what you need, you fed your dog (men are like dogs) poisoned dog food. Now he's sick from it, and he's throwing up in the back yard, and you're yelling at him for making a mess.

Stop poisoning your dog. Let him heal. Then, if he loves you enough to come around again after this crap, treat him right. The only way you can do this is if you lose the control/anger thing, so your 180s/goals should be to figure out where this is coming from and get it handled. Otherwise if he comes back I'm afraid he will leave for good in about 18 months.

Oh, and I'll say it again. You can blow things out of proportion to justify controlling behavior (i.e., well, if he spends all of our money, puts us in bankruptcy, if he is dating someone else and still expects to come around, I can't live like this forever, etc) but these are all extremes, and those are distorted thinking. You won't live like this forever. Zues promises this won't continue long. Either he'll move farther away or he'll move closer. And either way I'm more worried about what he'll see if he moves closer. So let me ask- other than vows and what YOU need, why should he come home? What does he have to look forward to if he comes home? Is this where you say 'now I've got you you son of a b1tch, now that you want this M back we're going to tell you exactly how much you hurt me, punish you for being a bad boy, and we're going to set up some new rules for you to live by so I never get hurt again...'? Like trying to call a dog that knows it's in trouble and that you're going to beat it? Or are you emotionally prepared to reward him for being a good man, serving him in a way you failed to prior to his walking away, and being a person he'd be a fool to leave?