You're right and I should clarify that my fear of "losing" the kids emotionally. I'm afraid of them blaming me and hating me. My husband is in a cruel place right now and plays off my anxiety to cause me to get upset. But I guess my realization was that my kids love me and I love them and I need to focus on those relationships vs what he is telling me.
I've also been thinking a lot about my role in things. I know one problem for him is that I obsess over money and in the past have flipped out when he acts irresponsible. Actually, I tend to react and flip out a lot of the time. So one thing I'm working on as he makes rude choices (changing his bank passwords, transferring large portions of his paycheck, etc) is just not react. He expects me to rage at him but I'm not going to. I have enough money to get by and it just doesn't really affect me. I'm letting go of my control issues.
I'm also working on being a happier person. I've let the stress of everyday life get me into a slump the past year and I'm finally letting go (of the same need to control everything) enough to lean on my family and friends and just focus on the positive in life. I need to become a better person and enjoy my life and my kids.
I would also like to clarify that I have no intention of keeping the kids from my husband. They adore him, but he is really hurting his own relationship with them. He caused a huge scene at the house Friday night. I had told him Thursday that my girlfriends were coming over to pack and could I bring the kids to his mothers for an overnight? He raged at me that his mothers place had nowhere for the kids to be (she is a pack rat and he's "clearing space") and demanding to do the overnight in the house. He said they couldn't even *go* to his moms for the evening to hang out because the floors were being redone. He said if my friends were here packing when he showed up he was calling the cops. Eventually it was resolved (the next day) that he would take the middle three out for dinner for a few hours. He kept insisting that he wanted to take my minivan, even though I told him I was using it to move boxes. My friends and I loaded all three cars and then waited an hour past when he said he'd get there. He threw a fit that he couldn't take the van, parading our kids out to the garage to do so. Despite the fact he had a car capable of taking them! They eventually left and my kids later told me they had pizza and then went to his moms! Where he had them sit on the floor while he sat on his computer!
All that to say, his fog is making him not the same dad. I can't stop him but I'm not saying anything bad about him to the kids. S9 told us in family therapy how much the divorce was hurting him and later my husband said I planted the thoughts in his head. He really doesn't see how his actions against me are hurting the kids too. S9 is an old soul and takes the betrayal to heart because he understands it more.
I guess my point about the whole custody thing is that my husband is making his bed with the kids. It's heartbreaking but all I can do is be their mom and show them that home is where we are together.
