Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Forgot to mention a mini episode between H and I this week. S has tummy aches weekly, misses some school every so often because of it. He complains of pain in his abdomen, is usually constipated, and if he does go, says he doesn't feel like it all came out. It struck me the other day to look up IBS. Sure enough, the symptoms match.

H brought S home the other night. While here, I mentioned to H and S my thoughts, said it is something to look into, and I excitedly said, if this is the cause we can focus on solutions to his tummy aches, like simply changing our diet! My excitement came from hoping we can figure this out, because we have tried several different things and I hate seeing my kid laid out in pain.

Anyway, I guess I got too excited because H threw his "stop" hands up at me and said, don't go making a diagnosis, settle down.

As you know H shows no emotion, and when I do, it clearly makes him uncomfortable. When he puts me in check like that, I feel stupid. So I did my old me reaction, I turned away feeling defeated, snapped that I wasn't making a diagnosis, that sticking your head in the sand doesnt bring you answers. I turned and walked away, dropped the subject.

So, shortly after I was kicking myself. I don't like my old me reaction and I don't like when he does that to me. No one does that to me but him! I swear, I am not joking, he is so monotone it's scary. Next time, I will take a deep breath, stand tall, look him in the eye and calmly say I think it's a good idea to look into it.

I know it may sound silly, but over the years, I started feeling like showing emotions was "bad". H is very passive aggressive and would down play many important things I felt. It became a situation where I could not talk about things with him, I would be embarrassed for feeling the way I did. These are issues I finally realized after BDay that I can learn to control in myself but see I still struggle in doing that with H.

I also realize, my emotions are not the problem, his reactions to them are. His problem, not mine. Another reminder of what I NEED in my next relationship. To be myself, to be able to be goofy, excited, sad, scared, worried and mad without being made to feel like an idiot. I lost that part of me with H, I have it back, people and friends love me more than ever and I won't lose that again. He will be the one put in check next time.