BUT stupidly my behaviour has made things worse. My snooping and paranoia over whether she is having an EA/PA led to 3 big bustups when she was at her most vulnerable - grieving for her Father.
I think this is just he other side of the same coin. Believing your behavior made things worse is still part of an outlook that says what you do determines what she does. Not trying to beat a dead horse, but really don't believe any of what you hear, half of what you see, and whatever she does, know that it is 100% her decision. Yes, you've contributed to stress in the M. But all marriages have hard times, and not all wives make these choices. She is who she is. You are who you are.
I don't really understand the question about whether to separate. I'm not sure you have a choice here. She's divorcing you, correct? At some point this means you will be living separately. How and when that happens should be based on what you think is best for you and the children. Certainly not what will give her loss, that is more of this same thinking, not sure whether to call it controlling thinking or attached thinking. Anyway, it seems like physically separating is in the cards. I wouldn't drive the bus and be the one to lead the separation, but I wouldn't resist it either. Let her do the work, but be ready to make your own space when that comes.
I am not a believer in future telling, that is not DB...still, given the fact that WAW moved out and moved back once before, my gut tells me her journey this time around will be much longer. It wouldn't make sense for her to leave and come back a week later. She remembers doing that before. She remembers the pain of loss and separation. Now she feels she is prepared for it, and excited for her new life. I am not here to tell you to give up hope for your marriage, but I am definitely here to tell you to prepare for her to be gone, for you to be divorced, and for you and her to have lives that aren't connected in any way. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, but I'd be assuming it would if I were you.
Quote:
I am not perfect but overall I am happy as to who I am as a man. I will take the next few weeks/months to analyse and reflect were I have gone wrong - how I can improve - become a better man.
This is what's important. It doesn't matter what WAS or anyone else thinks. Her behavior doesn't reflect on you. It is not connected to you. I will keep saying it, I hope this gets through. Remember, there is what you can control directly, there is what you can influence, then there is what you can't control at all. You used to think your wife was in your control, now you still think she's under your influence...but she has moved to the part you can't control at all. The more you turn your focus back to YOU, the part you CAN control, the better you'll be. You get to decide how to process your pain, your hurt. You get to decide what you do each day. Where you go for support. You get to decide what stories you tell yourself in your head about all of this. Are you going to be the victim? The martyr? The self righteous one? Or are you going to breathe, let all of those stories come and go, understand they are all rooted in ego, fear, and neediness, validate your own feelings, pray for strength and comfort, and then go forth and be the best man you can be?
You've got this. It's a hell of a way to start a journey, being forced into it...but it's a cool journey, so go with the flow and enjoy what you can
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just to be clear ....back in 2012 around Feb, W saw a book on my Kindle, not DB but another book on how to stop D. It was a book I didn't agree with, but she read some of it and thought that all my 'changes' were a ploy to stop a separation. Back then she never talked about D , just separation.
She went cold, distant, uncommunicative, etc, and I decided to 'engineer' a split for a few weeks. I worked away in the week and then stayed in holiday accommodation at the weekend close to where we live.
This lasted 3/4 weeks then I said I was moving back home. W went batsh1t crazy and threatened to see an L immediately. I then backed down, and said I would look for somewhere else to live. I actively looked for a place, went and looked at apartments, etc. W calmed down and helped me look for a place. She was suddenly warm, and engaging, the tension bubble had been burst
Then 18 days into his process W did a sudden backflip and said she wanted to work on M.
She gave me a list of thoughts and things to work on (most of these I had been doing for several months). I have still got this list, and haven't back tracked on many of them. Some issues (mainly intimacy and sex were not addressed.
We didn't go to counselling or talk through everything properly as it was a new honeymoon period....I guess this lasted about 18 months.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Your snooping didn't put the nail in the coffin....other than, perhaps, your failure to snoop two or three years ago when this all started.
Snooping is just a convenient rationalization and justification for your wife to pull the trigger on the divorce she's been contemplating for years now.
Her behavior reeks of wayward wife. Maybe it was long ago. Maybe it's someone at work and they are very good (after years of practice) at keeping it quiet.
I find it interesting that she is very certain to put the "we've been separated since september" comment in her revelation of the divorce information to her parents and probably others. This is wayward spin (no matter how true it is about your in-house separation) to emphasize that even if she starts dating quickly here....that it's OK because the marriage has been over for awhile now.
Do move out. Tell your employer and indicate you would prefer not to travel much this year while you try to fight for as much custody as you can of your children.
Don't roll over. Your children are better off around you and with you. Leaving does not make your chances of reconciliation better. You'll just be backing up the "frame job" your wife is putting out there that it's an "amicable" divorce.
Finally - YOU MATTER TOO. She may LIKE and prefer an "amicable divorce" but what that actually means to a walkaway probably wayward wife is YOU give her whatever she wants and make things easy for her. Divorce is never "amicable" unless you give in and give up. Take back the context and say "Yes, amicable divorce would be great and since you want to leave/divorce....then go. I'll let you take all your stuff and pay you a reasonable settlement and we'll be done with this "amicably". You'll even give her lots of visitation with the children (but they stay in their home). THAT would be amicable...but that, of course, NOT what her selfish entitled butt wants.
I'm sorry it's come to this for you. You've done and tried everything possible to save your marriage for several years now. There is no magic pill. Your wife is lost to you, herself and her family. Don't love bust her ....just go see your attorney and keep saying you agree an "amicable" divorce is best but your attorney is just defending you. Since you didn't want the divorce....don't talk about it with her. Let your attorney handle it and you just keep detaching and GAL. Don't agree to anything with her...let your attorney negotiate for you while you live your life and spend time with your kids.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I will wait for the solicitors letter . W says it's not a divorce petition. Let's see what it says. I am away working from Monday to Thursday evening, so I'll probably get it then.
I would appreciate it if any other vets could give advice.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi Isit, I'm no vet, but thrilled to make it onto your list and be perceived as one!! My sitch is very much ongoing and headed firmly towards D at this point...but anyway, I'll offer some input for sure.
I think Zues (as ever) offers some wise insight here:
"I wouldn't drive the bus and be the one to lead the separation, but I wouldn't resist it either. Let her do the work, but be ready to make your own space when that comes."
One of the things that has helped me is accepting that my H seems to need this and letting him go. I have told him D isn't what I want, but if he doesn't want 'us' I respect his choice. You could do the same WRT a possible separation and then make the best of things.
In the short term, I would keep yourself busy and await the letter, whilst getting yourself to a point of acceptance as S may well happen. I think the important place to get to for yourself is - if we S, what is going to be best for me and the kids - then try to work towards that outcome.
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto - thanks for your time and reading my thread
I initiated a little talk this morning. Basically said what Zeus wrote about validation. I said I understood she didn't love me and hadn't for some time, and had tried to love me. We have different views on commitment to M and I will not stand in her way if she wants a D.
I also said I had looked at renting a house, but there are not many on the market, and it would cost about �1000 a month. ( my standards will be high for any house, location, etc) Rents and bills are expensive.
She didn't say a lot but asked if I wanted to talk about the kids. I said I wanted 50% custody. She said it's not called custody anymore and I said whatever, I want 50% days and nights.
She said we should leave it as I was still angry. I wasn't angry, just a bit cold and unsmiling.
Yesterday I said I wanted to go to Family camp - which is a scouting weekend were families are invited. We went last year and had fun - in fact it was the last time we had sex - in the tent!
I said I was going whether she went or not - she said we could talk about it nearer the time.
Today she said we could go and do things together at Family camp. I said we wouldn't be a family so no way. She then cut the conversation and said I was too angry again.
I guess I came across as angry and unyielding - I said this would be the hardest thing the boys would go through. She said they will cope if we manage the situation in the right manner.
I would prefer her not to go
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I won't be doing anymore R talks, the ball is in her court, she is driving the bus.
I await the letter.
Yesterday I was simmering a little, brooding, today I'm more chilled. I can't do anymore, just chill, go to work, and be a good man, and Father.
I will be GALLing on Mon, Tues and Wed with old friends, then back home on Thursday evening.
W is being nice to me, making my dinner last night, making lunch today. It remains to be seen if she spends the evening with me, goes out, or goes to bed early - either way I don't really care.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I have been reading along with your posts, i am sorry that this situation has finally come to a head. Unfortunately, not what you have been working towards. I want to say some things, maybe i am off base...hope not.
Something i have wanted to say since i read about your wifes father getting sick, is that she us very confused about what she is supposed to feel about this. Should she be glad that the man who destoyed her innocence is finally going to be gone, should she forgive him...after all he was her daddy and she was his little girl? It is such a destructive force if you can imagine that.
Your wife has never worked through this with any conviction. Your wife has built a reality where effectively her daddy was not a bad man. She instead has turned this on you. You are the enemy. I don not believe that this is warranted in yhe least. I will agree with GB here that your snooping was only a scapegoat activity, a springboard for her to do what she thinks she has to. She is making you to be the bad guy here, else she might have to look in a mirror and face the hard truths if her life.
I worry for her, i pray for her as you should. This fight however is hers. So very rarely can a woman go through this with the man that she loved and has made a family with. It is sad really, but i have seen countless situations similar to ours where the wife figuratively, throw it all away and turns all of the anger she has held onto for decades at her husband. It is not all that different with men who have suffered similar abuses as a child, just a bit more prevelant in woman due to the abysmal frequency that this sort of abuse happens. She needs your marriage to be over right now and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
I did say right now. That doesnt mean things are done. It doesnt mean you have to give up. What i would like to do is remember a few things that you have been learning all these months trying to save your marriage and i hope you really stsrt to embrace self-care here. I know youve been exercising and this and that. ..however it has always sort of seamed like your steps were taken because you knew that was the next thing you needed to do to get your wife back. Not kicking you while you are down, this is a post hoping to shake up reality (and i get it, know I do because i have done it for too long).
You cannot push against her right now. She is done. Let her have her fantasy escape, because she is done. She could not be any clearer. Any attempts at this point will translate into you being a stalker or worse in her mind and she will let the world know her revelations
You don't have to stop loving her, she will always be in your heart. She will always be the mother to your children. You cannot sacrifice yourself to her any more though. You are a man worthy of love and younare going to start today.
First things first, you need to play nice. I am not even close to suggesting that you give in to demands...rather let you solicitor deal with her. This is going to be hard to hear but you can no longer trust this woman, ok? It is her separation / Divorce= ... dont get in the way, ok???
Don't let her rants dictate your behavior - detachment has been teaching you how, right? She appears calm right now, because you are going along nicely with her. Once you start arguing, it will get nasty.
Sigh, i have so much to type here but i fear that i will stray and lose what im trying to get to in the first place...that was please take care of yourself here!
Find a group - divorce grouop, spouse of survivor support group, child sexual abuse support group - right now it does not matter.. .just find one and start talking and healing, ok?
You will eventually need to decompress from all of this. You have effectively been living a lie for years, that you were in control of the outcone of your marriage, but we know not that nothing you could gave done in the last five years will have changed this outcome. Take a deep breath here and reread thst sentence. It is a truth that i have learned to be true. You will need to work through this too and accept that although You had a hand in some of thebarguements and details, you did not hurt your wife or break her. She needs to be on this journey to get where she needs to go.
GAL and self love are going to be your grestest allies here. We already know how resilliant you are. We already know that you are a stalwart of a man, willing to love a woman no matter what her flaws, never waivering, never straying despite the long gaps of giving back to you. Those are gifts to you from god himself that will be tressures ready to be discovered by the world. Your wife has always know about them and unfortunately that level of commitment, love desire is exactly what she cannot face anymore - if she did, that would mean her fantasy reality would be shattered and she would have to face herself, she is not ready for that.
I really need you to hear my words of pain in my typing, i know that it sounds like giving up, like admitting if you let her go that you are not worthy of being loved. That logic is wrong. Straight up. You have been manipulated for so long and longing to be wanted by this woman that you have left yourself ipen to this belief. Truth is you are an amazing guy. Truth is you are a tremendous father. Truth is you are a pinnacle in your field, a great employee and can be a phenomenal provider. You are a supportive, caring, loving man who is willing to give despite getting back...do you have issues, ya who the phuck among us doesn't.( a lot of them come from living in a borderline abusive marriage for years, her lies and decietfulness, anxiety, codependency, etc) .. you will get theough this and you are going to come out of this more than ok. Those traits, am I wrong with any of them, no...ok then...that is a great husband right there, ok? By definition a great husband. Yes there will be some things you can change with travel, or child custody, yes thst will be on your list of things to work on...but not today.
Today is a new day. With all respect to you, i wish for you the very best life will offer, you have show me that you deserve no less.
