Quote: Well-meaning Therapists Often people recognize that friends and family can be biased and, for that reason, decide to seek professional help for their marriage. Unfortunately, going to a therapist when you are having marital problems doesn’t guarantee you will leave with your marriage intact. Some therapists believe that when a marriage stops being fulfilling or nurturing, it’s time to move on. They see divorce as a challenging, yet viable solution to marriage’s many problems. They appreciate the impact of divorce on children, but they prefer to focus on children’s resiliency and their ability to adjust. Although they might initially try to help couples beyond their differences, if the path to solution is rocky, they are quick to suggest calling it quits. They see divorce as a rite of passage. But why?
To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, what you get when you seek therapy is the person behind the therapist. All people have life experiences that help shape who they are, their beliefs, their values, their morals, and their interests, and therapists are no exception. It’s literally impossible for therapists to check their values and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session.
A therapist’s views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his or her own parent’s marriage. For example, if the therapist’s parents had a highly combative marriage and made no attempt to improve things, making it miserable for the kids, the therapist might believe that people are better off divorcing when there is tension and steer the sessions in that direction. If a therapist’s father had affairs and the therapist observed the hurt that it caused in the family, he might believe that marriages can not heal after infidelity. If a therapist grew up with two parents who calmly talked things out when there was trouble, and if you and your mate have a more hotheaded problem-solving style, she might believe that you are incompatible or that your marriage is dysfunctional, and might suggest you separate. This is unfortunate because research shows that many hot-headed couples love each other to death and manage to solve problems just as well as those who are more controlled. If, in growing up, a therapist’s had a really stormy relationship with her father, it’s possible that she might have negative feelings about men and continually side with the woman in the couple. This sort of bias is never productive and likely to result in insurmountable resistance on the part of the man who feels out-numbered, or in his dropping out of therapy, neither of which bodes well for the marriage. In short, therapists can’t separate who they are from what they do.
The same is true for me. Do you remember what I told you about my own parent’s divorce on my own marriage and in my work with couples? It made me a true believer in the sanctity of marriage. How does this pro-marriage bias effect what I do when I work with people?
For starters, each time I meet a person or couple and hear about their marriage problems, my default position is, “This marriage can be saved.” Obviously, I am not always right and some marriages do end in divorce, but my positive attitude has served my clients well. Most couples stay together and find renewed happiness with each other.
I don’t panic or even become discouraged when I hear people’s doubts about their marriages or when I’m told about complicated marital problems. I’ve worked with people who had experienced severe marital problems- multiple affairs, a divorce in the works, months of separation, a loss of love and/or lust- and, in the eleventh hour, were able to fall back in love. I mean, really fall back in love. So, as I’ve said before, problems aren’t roadblocks, just bumps in the road.
Contrast this “Never say die,” philosophy with the approach many other therapists take with couples. Many therapists assess the viability of people’s marriages based on the types of problems they are having, the severity of these problems, how long they have lasted and how optimistic both partners are about the possibility of change. If the problems are long-standing or one partner expresses intense doubt about the marriage, the therapist becomes pessimistic, starts to doubt that the marriage can be saved and begins to work towards separation.
I , on the other hand, completely understand why people feel pessimistic. Anyone who has suffered in a marriage over a long period of time will, by definition, feel despondent. I see the hopelessness as a normal reaction to a painful situation rather than a telltale sign about the marriage’s future. I proceed with the knowledge that, once we find workable solutions, the hopelessness will vanish. Hopelessness doesn’t derail me.
Too many therapists give people the message that divorce is a reasonable solution when hopelessness exists. How? In many ways, but here is one example. People often go to therapists for affirmation that getting out is the right thing to do. They feel really torn and they are looking for that “expert opinion”. Some people even ask their therapist outright, “Don’t you think I’ve tried everything,?” “Do you think my marriage is over?” The truth is no matter how many degrees a therapist might have, or how smart he or she might be, there is absolutely no way for a therapist to know when a marriage has reached a dead end. Therapists can’t tell when a marriage is over.
But this doesn’t stop many therapists from acting as if they have a crystal ball. They say, “If your husband won’t attend therapy, it means he’s not committed to your marriage and nothing you do will make a difference,” or “It seems as if your wife has lost feeling for you, why don’t you just get on with your life,?” or “As long as your husband is having an affair, you might as well assume your marriage isn’t going to survive,” or “Why are you hanging on to this marriage, your wife has already filed for divorce?” Although these predicaments might make marital repair more challenging, none of them is, by any means, a marital death sentence. Far from it! Telling people that their marriage is doomed is, in my opinion, fortune telling at best, unethical, at worst!
Besides therapists’ personal experiences, there are other reasons they might not be advocates for marriage. Their professional training may stand in the way. Although it may seem strange, the whole premise upon which traditional therapy is based may not be conducive to helping people work out problems when the going gets tough. For instance, therapists are trained to encourage people to pursue the parts of their lives that will bring personal happiness and satisfaction, even if these goals are at odds with what’s best for the marriage, the children or even the individual in question in the long run. The therapist wants you to feel good and do whatever it takes to make that happen.
I once saw a couple on the verge of divorce- thanks to a therapist the man had seen. The wife and child had moved back to their home town, several thousand miles from their current home, in order to receive family support for their disabled child. Because they were having a hard time selling their home, the husband decided to remain with the home until it was sold. During the time they were separated, he had a great deal of freedom. There were no responsibilities as a husband or father. He could work, go to his health club and be with his friends as much as his little heart delighted. And he did. He was having a ball. That’s when he started to question his marriage. He thought to himself, “I really enjoy my life as a single person, I wonder if there is something wrong with my marriage.” So he sought the help of a professional.
The therapist helped him to uncover feelings of discontent with his marriage and his life as a family man. She suggested that perhaps he had always been a “pleaser,” that is, that he put effort into making everyone happy but himself. Her solution? “Get out of your marriage. Start anew. Be self-determining. Follow your heart.” Psychobabble poison.
He eventually confessed his ambivalence to his wife who was devastated. She had no idea he was unhappy in their marriage! They agreed to schedule an appointment with me. When I saw them, I somewhat agreed with the therapist’s assessment, that he had lost himself in the marriage, rarely openly expressing his desires and often going along with the program, despite his own wishes. However, instead of thinking that his path to happiness was for him to abandon his marriage and daughter, I saw better route; to help him become more forthcoming with his wife and find ways to meet his needs within the context of his marriage. Believe me, it was a no-brainer. I saw them for only three sessions and they were happier than ever! He became more honest with his wife- only agreeing to do that which he really wanted to do and letting her know when he was disappointed about things- and she loved it. She no longer had to wonder whether he was doing things to placate her which only backfired later. Their marriage flourished. I placed a follow-up call to them a year later and they were pregnant with their second child! So much for a marriage doomed for divorce!
Another significant aspect of therapists’ training that makes marriage preservation more challenging is the idea that in order to solve problems, people must first understand what caused the problems. What this means is that if a couple is having marital difficulties, instead of helping that couple identify things they can do immediately to feel closer and more connected, the therapist first gathers lots of information about how each spouse was raised. This is unfortunate because research shows that the average time a couple experiences problems before initiating therapy is six years! Six years! So, that by the time most couples seek help, they are in desperate need of answers. They yearn for solutions. They don’t need to become experts on why they are stuck! If therapy fails to offer an immediate sense of relief or hope that solutions are possible, most couples become more despondent and more likely to throw in the towel.
Another belief inherent in most theories therapy is the idea that people will get along better if they just express their feelings openly and honestly. In general, this is true. However, when couples are really in trouble, the problem isn’t a matter of not knowing how each partner feels. In most cases, people know precisely how their partners feel- they’re totally at odds- they just don’t have a clue as to what they can do to resolve the differences between them. Therapists are often more skilled at helping people identify and express hurt and angry feelings, than they are at helping people negotiate their differences. So therapy often ends up being more like a bitch session than a blame-free, brain-storming session. And, as a result, people end up feeling their marriages are really in bad shape and not worth preserving.
I don’t mean to imply that all therapy is bad. It isn’t! Therapy can be a lifesaver! There are lots of really competent, caring therapists out there. But, if you do decide to seek professional help, you need to make sure that you are seeking the help of an individual who believes that marriages are worth saving and who has been trained specifically to work with couples. Later in this book, I will offer some guidelines for choosing a good marital therapist.
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