HOPELESS & CONFUSED

[- MB -]

My husband is set on separating and eventually divorcing. He is however still living at home and is being a friend to me. He helps around the home and with our kids. I am struggling on how I could proceed with divorce busting strategies and how to interpret his response to strategies I use as he is being pleasent with me. He has told me he sees us divorced but says he is not a psychic and anything is possible. I constantly check in with him which backfires everytime as he shuts down. He is happy with our current arrangement. He is in and out of the house as he pleases, doesn't have to answer to anybody about his whereabouts and is enjoying life as a family at home. He still sleeps in the same bed as me most nights and says he is not interested in dating anyone else. We don't go out together or with the kids in public. He even still calls me honey or babe sometimes and even tried to be intimate last night. What do I do? How do I implement DB strategies? Do I set boundaries or is now not the time? I feel very hopeful however when I think things are going well and I initiate a convo about our sitch my husband tells me he hasn't changed his mind about the separation. Our kids are oblivious to what is going on. I am desperate to keep our family together. Please help

Hmc, So sorry that you have to be here with us, but glad you found this site. You have come to a great place for advice and support. There are many wise people on this forum that can help you if you just listen to them. And, no matter what you're going through, someone on here has been through it or is currently in the same boat as you.

You should go back to that first post by Cadet and click on the link titled Sandi's Rules. Read it about 20 times. When you're done, read it again! Then, follow it like it's your new bible. Tomorrow, read it again...and again. Refer back to it and every so often, read it again just to remind yourself. Those are very smart and important things that you should be doing/not doing. Also, always remember rule #32....."Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared." You mentioned that he contradicts himself and his actions don't match his words, that's because you can't believe anything he says right now. His emotions and feelings are all over the place just like yours. He's hurting and confused even if he won't let you see it. Take a deep breath and calm down. Just because he says something, doesn't mean that he actually means it or that that is what will happen.

Some of what you are doing is only pushing him away from you though. Like someone posted earlier, when you're in a hole STOP DIGGING!! The more you dig, the longer and harder it will be to fix things. DO NOT initiate any talk about your marriage/relationship. You said that you constantly check in with him about his whereabouts and it backfires. That's because it makes you appear weak, needy and unattractive to him. DO NOT follow him around the house or ask about his whereabouts, he will see this as needy, clingy and desperate. Just be upbeat, cheerful, and mysterious. Try to look your best all the time. Make him wonder about you just like you're wondering about him. Pull back some. When you aren't chasing after him he will start to wonder why and will turn toward you. Why would he need to chase after you if he knows you're sitting there waiting eagerly for any crumbs he throws your way??

When I first got to this list I was in a complete panic and was desperate and pathetic. I had broken every single DB rule there was. I had begged, pleaded, cried, begged more, got angry, tried reasoning, and on, and on, and on. It got me absolutely nowhere! It never gets any of us anywhere. It doesn't work and actually makes things worse so stop doing it. When he says something that upsets you, just take a deep breath (or 20!), STAY CALM, walk away if you need to, or whatever it takes to keep your composure. Give yourself time to think before responding to him if necessary. My mottos these days are FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT and ACT AS IF and I do both of those on a daily basis. Act as if can be anything you need it to be....act as if you're okay without him, act as if he's not crushing your heart, act as if you're moving on with your life, act as if your happy to be going out alone. Whatever you need at the time, just act as if.

You can do this but it IS going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. So breathe, get some sleep, and stay calm. You will be okay and the pain will ease. We are all here for you anytime you need us. Good luck.