Day by Day..Hour by Hour

[Rain75]

I hear you about wanting the pain and tears to stop. It's awful to be second choice, I certainly know that one. Plan B. I have to work on this patience thing.

What is this patience you speak of? It's a crazy train..I need off of that train.

[Rain75]

I'm sure this is confusing, but I'd love to hear good night my love once, just once. I guess W confuses me by telling me that OW is a nutcase. What the heck?? It keeps me hanging on. Is this what they mean by cake eating??

NYG remember that this is not the 1st BD for us. After the 1st one he was very cold to me. This was over a year ago. He was codial, polite but his texts were very business like. Even after we got back together it continued.

This is more recent, maybe a few months before BD in December and he has amped it up big time the last few weeks.

And if there was any substance behind his words I would be happy to be getting the texts too. But his actions do not match his words.

And mine went so far as to call ow a slut and said he wasn't talking to her because of this or that. Basically things he supposedly finds unattractive....all the time deep deep deep in the EA.

I'm not saying that's the wase with your W tho. As similar as they all seem to be they all do crazy in their very own way.

[Rain75]

Rain, I am so sorry he is playing with your heart and mind this way. So cruel! I think he still wants you, but just doesn't know how to go about getting you. When he "dumped" you the first time, you came chasing after him. Perhaps he just said all that yesterday to get a rise out of you thinking you'd start the pursuit again. When that didn't happen, he had to back up, scratch his head, and regroup. That came out as Sorry I'm an idiot baby, hopefully I can figure out how to manipulate you better by tomorrow morning. I will think on it tonight. Sleep well my love....
Okay, I paraphrased a bit! LOL. This looks to me like a maniplation to get you to come running back out of fear that you're going to loose him for good. He just didn't get the reaction he wanted. Watch out, he's got all night to come up with it, but he WILL try something else tomorrow. Stay strong and be prepaired.

Agreed MB. It's a manipulation. That's his speciality. And of course I remember what your H did!!!

That is what I mean about them all displaying their crazy in different ways. Hey go away I have ow and i dont want to be married anymore....omg you came back..I love you. Ow is gone!.....ummm actually lets go back to you and I not being together. Seriously it's enough to make someone sane turn just as crazy as them!

Mine "picked me" all along as in we stayed together. But if you are attached to someone else emotionally so desperately that you justify hurting me and our kids and let her BD me then leave me alone. I'm just sick of the games. Sh!t or get off the pot comes to mind.

I need IC, and to get through the exercises in these books. I need space and if that means he Isn't around then so be it. I deserve better.

If only I could get to a place where what he does and says doesn't make me cry and question my sanity. That would be a great place to be.

[annab74]

But you know what...I have had the same convo with my H in the past too. And then the next thing you know, he is gps tracking me when I go to buy groceries because he is afraid I'm seeing another man. They are all over the place. It means nothing. It's heartbreaking to hear, but see it for only what it is and don't give it more importance than it deserves. He kept pushing for a response because that was the whole goal of saying it. He wanted to get a rise out of you. You aren't running back to him and giving him what he wants, so he's trying a different tactic to get to you. Go NC on his butt like you are totally fine with it, and I'd be willing to bet he will be back in pursuit in no time at all.

Hey Anna. Thanks. Yes it is very hard to hear. He kept on and on after that text because I didn't respond. I finally did. I told him that I will respect his decision and that I need for him to give me my space now so that I can do what I need to do.

He said..."I hope you can forgive me one day and that you find everything you want and deserve"

So thats that then.

[Rain75]

But you know what...I have had the same convo with my H in the past too. And then the next thing you know, he is gps tracking me when I go to buy groceries because he is afraid I'm seeing another man. They are all over the place. It means nothing. It's heartbreaking to hear, but see it for only what it is and don't give it more importance than it deserves. He kept pushing for a response because that was the whole goal of saying it. He wanted to get a rise out of you. You aren't running back to him and giving him what he wants, so he's trying a different tactic to get to you. Go NC on his butt like you are totally fine with it, and I'd be willing to bet he will be back in pursuit in no time at all.

Anna I have a question. I really do need to go Dark but absolutely totally black is not an option because we have young kids. So what I did before was ignore his texts wishing me a great day and saying he loves me etc. I only replied to kid related texts.

My question is that if he keeps true to his cycle and goes into pursuit mode and does want to come around or take us out or whatever. What do I do?

I have SUCH a hard time being cordial to him in person. Let alone happy and fun. It hurts not seeing him but it is easier at the same time.

But when he feels like if I'm okay he comes around more and even, I feel, tries to bait me. For instance when he spent money on those sites while leaving us without what we needed. He came here to bring my child support and said "I'm sorry that money has been tight and I will get your car checked out soon...please be patient"

But uh no...money isn't tight. YOU made it tight by spending almost 1000 on those sites and cam girls. Which is what I said. So he says....see this is what im talking about! You're always on me. You cant let anything go!

Wth!

It was literally the week and DAY before that conversation.

So with that rant over.lol....if he does come around am I meant to smile and laugh and be his best friend while he is here and act like if he Isn't doing what he is clearly doing?

[annab74]

I think I would be the friendly-but-disinterested-neighbor when he is around. With the way he is acting, he certainly doesn't deserve to be able to just come home and have all the benefits of the R whenever he feels like it. He has to earn that. On the same hand, you don't want to have negative experiences that will cause further damage to your R either. So I would say be polite, cordial, and treat him like you would a neighbor. You wouldn't be rude to your neighbor, but you probably wouldn't treat them like your best friend either. If he talks, listen. But don't initiate interactions. Don't act like you're mad at him...but don't be thrilled and happy to see/talk/text him either. Be neutral. Content. Living your life without him. Until he is willing to do his part, you are amicable co-parents and nothing more. If he wants more, he has to earn it.

[Rain75]

Thanks Anna. It's difficult to navigate and walk the line between going dark/dim and being distantly pleasant while you feel like if you're dying inside.

Thank you. I will try.

[- MB -]

So what I did before was ignore his texts wishing me a great day and saying he loves me etc. I only replied to kid related texts.

If you're wanting to do NC/go dark, first thing I'd do is download a silent ringtone to my phone and assign it to him. That way he can text you, but you don't have to be bothered with his calls. Then, I would ONLY respond to text messages that have to do with the kids AND that are important. Anything else, ignore. If you get a text and start reading it, then realize it's his same old crap, just click out of it and don't even finish reading it beacause it will only up set you.

My question is that if he keeps true to his cycle and goes into pursuit mode and does want to come around or take us out or whatever. What do I do?

You simply ignore him. You don't HAVE TO let him into your apartment. If he's coming around and you don't want to see him, don't let him in, don't be there-be out GALing without him, ask him to leave, have a friend over, whatever, just don't let him in. If he comes to get the kids and wants to hang around, start taking them to him instead. Drop them off, kiss them goodbye, then smile at F and tell him that you will pick them up at (whatever time) and then look at your watch and tell him you have to go or you'll be late. Let him wonder! Then, LEAVE! Or, start having him pick them up somewhere that is NOT your apartment. Our court ordered drop off spot was the DQ. It was safe, not at my house, and he wasn't going to do anything to me there. The kids got out off my car, got in his, and they left. They are your kids, and until the court tells you differently, you get to set the rules. Simple as that. Just make sure you're doing what's best for the kids wellbeing.

I have SUCH a hard time being cordial to him in person. Let alone happy and fun. It hurts not seeing him but it is easier at the same time.

You can do it for 5 minutes. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!! Smile, and ACT AS IF you couldn't care less what he's doing because you are sooooooo busy with your exciting new life that you don't have time for his crap. Make him think you are doing so well on your own that you just really couldn't care less about him because you have moved on. He doesn't have to know you have doubts, he just needs to THINK you have moved on. If it helps, when you see him remind yourself that the nicer and detached you can make him think you are, the more it's driving him as nuts as he's driving you. LOL

But when he feels like if I'm okay he comes around more and even, I feel, tries to bait me. For instance when he spent money on those sites while leaving us without what we needed....

Yep! That's because at that point he "has you" and doesn't need to persue any more. He only needs to put forth effort to chase you when he thinks you're getting away from him. He's trying to make sure you stay right there attached to him and needing him. Once he's sure, he is free to put his efforts into something/someone else until he feels you pulling away again....then, here he comes to make sure you're not going anywhere. Stupid freaking childish games. I am as sick of them as you are!

If he does come around am I meant to smile and laugh and be his best friend while he is here and act like if he Isn't doing what he is clearly doing? [/quote]

ABSOLUTELY NOT! He fired you from that job. You are no longer his best friend, fiancé, lover, partner, cook, maid, confidant, etc, etc, etc. You are the mother of his children whom he does not appreciate, has hurt deeply, and is incapable at this point in time in loving you or being committed to you the way you deserve. You are not his best friend. Say that out loud....you are not his best friend! You smile and be pleasant, but that is it. He gets nothing more than that. He doesn't get to take you on a meaningless date, come in for dinner, watch TV on your couch, visit the kids in your apartment, etc. When you have to see him smile, be cheerful, pleasant, look your best, be confident, etc. You want him to see you as the woman that any man would be a fool to let get away....and at the same time make him think he's lost you. Keep your interactions short (just a few minutes) so you don't have to deal with his craziness and games for too long. Don't engage in any personal talk just keep it cordial. If he asks you something, answer, but be vague and just sit back and wait. Be patient. But, most of all, work on yourself. He will either jump on the train with you or he will have to stand there and wave goodbye while you move on. His choice. And, if he decides that he wants to jump on the train with you, then it's YOUR CHOICE to decide if that's what you want. He does not get to make all the decisions, you also get a say in how this goes.

It is really hard to act like you don't care and then walk away, but you can do it. We are all here for you whenever you need us. We can all be strong together.

[- MB -]

Sorry, apparently I am bored and long winded today.

[NYGal]

Sorry, apparently I am bored and long winded today.

No, MB, you are totally awesome and I love everything you wrote.