WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[trumpet]

I laugh after getting advice from co-workers and friends.

Those who have been through divorce, and have a very negative opinion of their 1st wives, say to dump her like a rotten sack of potatoes yesterday.

Others, like members on this board, have the approach of 'wait and see', and 'go dark'.

I have others telling me to 'fight for your marriage' in an active sense.

The opinions are all over the board.

I'm at peace where I'm at. My wife made her decision. My wife filed the D. My wife served me papers.

This whole time, when we've had discussions, she is just very conflicted. Loves OM, but knows OM and her can never be together. Spew to get me to accept her point of view, that I never loved her (still laugh at that one).

Man, I made big mistakes in our marriage. All the usual ones - thinking about myself before others, not showing active love, showing love through love languages that are my wife's, taking care of the kids better. The last 3 months have been an eye-opener, and from the messages I interecepted from my wife, she has told others that I'm making the changes... but she doubts that they were made in time... like there is a definite end-date to us.

My wife always wanted me to lead the family, and lead her as well - to somehow fill the hole in her that she was missing.
I'm now showing leadership, showing a man of character. Whether my wife sees that or not is not up for discussion - we're going to be living under the same house!

My mission is to always, always, always think of what my words and actions say to her and my family. Am I showing love, or personal pride and anger?

My mourning lately has been for my kids. I don't cry about her. I think I'm in a great place to begin the divorce talk with my lawyer. I've got my head on straight to talk to someone, to have a goal in mind, and to show through actions that Trumpet is not the man he was.

My wife, quite possibly, sees this as 'her time', since my addiction took so many years of 'our time' away from her. It's selfishness, but aren't we all in life? I can get angry, but I'd just be getting angry at myself. I don't have high shame anymore for my addiction, and our family. I have regrets, and I'm sorry for the damage.

When I initially tried to reconcile, I was not in a place that the R could happen. I was angry, way too hurt, and still dealing with my own demons.

When or IF we do R, we will look at it truly as a new beginning. Somehow, we have to shelve all the hate, resentment, anger, and regret on a shelf, and revisit it once we start to heal. Little nuggets, with each of us sharing. No one dumping, since that isn't caring about your spouse.

Will that happen? I don't know. My gift of time started a while back, and it keeps going. I'm thankful that my wife hasn't decided to start a fling with someone local - the guy is 3 hours away. That it isn't physical. That she's not moving out. That she has a stable job. That she continues to go to our church. That there are a few friends pointing her in a direction opposite the Divorce.

Is Divorce the easy answer to a really, really complex question, that betrayers see as a way to absolve their wrongs/sins and escape a situation that really they can't see a way out?

When husbands or wifes ask for perfection, or look to their spouse to solve their own problems, you're bound to find no answers. "I have an idea, since my spouse can't fix me, let's get a D!"

I never asked for a D when I had my addiction, but then again, I didn't think is was a big issue. My wife has always seen D as a way out. Why, I don't know. Her parents, and my parents, have both been together 40+ years. I just never thought of it as a solution. It's why I'm here.