Last night

[kyrie]

There is a thread on here, I believe by Coach, that gives a very good, short summary on Boundaries, but I can't put my fingers on it right now.

If no one can find it, I'll take a shot at summarizing later.

I don't think this is from Coach but it was helpful to me once upon a time.



Think about boundaries like this:
‘
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.

Your wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.

But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.

She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.

She can do WHATEVER she wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants.

BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.

That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.

If she's saying you have to let her into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HER controlling YOU.
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I'll think in more specifics since your h seems to think you are a mind reader and that he's not really responsible for being clear or specific with you.

Here are a few options, but others will probably have better ones.

Maybe you can say "I (sometimes) wish I could read your mind but I can't. So I really need you to be clear with me, so I can communicate with you more effectively.

Or ask him "H, how can I communicate more effectively with you?"

"H, I'm asking you what you need/want.

I don't want to wonder about tone or word use, especially when we are writing to each other. So I'm asking for clarity so there can't be misunderstanding.

I think If we speak clearly then we can know what our choices are and it'll be clear. There won't be any guessing".

Been a busy few days, sorry I'm catching up again. If I did that w/the circle we'd probably not talk again, if ever. He simply does not believe he *needs* to respect me in that way and has stated it. And frankly the circle thing does seem to exclude and prevent a certain amount of intimacy. I get that might be appropriate at certain times/situations.
So that night I did say essentially those things about mind readers. He said he shouldn't have to specify things since I should know by now (I called it - figured he'd say that) but then he said, referring to the OW, since there have been people who HAVE been able to mind read him and know him that way, that's what he wants. That kind of feeling/love.
Barf.