I've been thinking about your post for a few days but didn't know how to respond as kits very similiar to what I was processing at the time. The idea of comparing my life to anothers, feelings of not being good enough and feeling like I failed. That pursuit of finally being good enough for something or someone. Its saddens me to think you see yourself as a failure because of all those things that may not have went your way. Things that very well could have been completely out of your control up until now. Things you associate with you and don't take into account life doesn't always go the way we would like it and that doesn't mean something is wrong with us.
So I worked out in my thread the problems of trying to fix things in myself and that came to a loop. If trying to fix ourselves is the problem, would stopping that fix us? But then I wonder, how can I grow as a person and become a better person if I'm not trying to fix myself, because fixing myself is one of my problems. Then I thought back to your post before how I always phrased things that I'm working toward fixing myself, showing me I'm broken. Showing that I don't accept myself as I am now but if I change into a new person I will. Yes, were all broken but that seems to also conflict with the idea we are all perfect just the way we are and should accept ourselves. But if we accept ourselves then how can we grow into something better.
I realized I was looking at things way too black and white. I always assumed I seen things from a balanced perspective. I've spent a great deal of time trying to understand W and stay in a place where I can empathize with what shes been through but not ignore the consequences of what shes done. Where I can see my role in the down fail of our M, but not ignore those issues because W is doing something worse. Outside, I think I see things very non black and white, but inside myself, that seems to be all I see.
Take being overweight as an example. I look at myself and I'm not happy with it. I don't accept how I look and its possible I never will regardless of how much I weight. So is the problem my weight or how I view my weight. If the problem is how I view it then accepting myself is the solution. But then by accepting there would be no reason to change it. So that makes me stuck. I chase the idea of what will make me happy instead of being happy. But heres where I think I see it too black and white. I can work towards being more in shape but love myself now also. Therse nothing wrong with accepting who I am now and still wanting to grow. Just because I want to grow into something else doesn't make the person I am now wrong, or the person I could be later right. Its just another aspect of my life and place I can be.
Again, I'm still exploring this and working through it so I might just be talking out of my a$$ and my view could be completely different in a another month.
Something that made me click was with my eating urges a few days ago. I told myself I wanted to lose weight, I had to go on a diet, I had to do this or that to get to a place where I'll be happy with myself. During those times I cave and eat an enormous amount of food, stop exercising and punish myself. So that day I decided to tell myself, I'm ok the way I am and its also ok to be working toward being more in shape. It doesn't mean either will make me happy, I need to do that inside regardless of what is outside. So knowing that, I stopped and got some fast food. I didn't beat myself up over it but I also didn't order the crazy amount I usually get. I got 1 single burger, without a meal(it was still a big burger) and I enjoyed it. The panic of needing to be smaller and weigh less causes me to do the opposite, overeat and be lazy. But, when I accepted myself I ate reasonably and even thought it may not have been the best, I didn't binge eat later in the day. I think that's why I like some of the paleo but doing the 80/20 portion. Right now maybe its more like 50/50 but that's ok. Its still better than the 100/0 I was doing off and on before(the 100 being all bad).
So all these things I knew about weight loss in the past, they never clicked. I cant do a diet to lose weight, I need to make a lifestyle change. That lifestyle change might just be accepting I can be at the weight I am now, or smaller, and still be happy. The irony of this kills me right now more than you know!
Sorry to spam, just working out thoughts. Hope they help. I think most of our problems are really only problems because we see them as problems that need to be fixed. So maybe fixing the problem is the problem, but its also ok to work toward changing as long as its not consuming us as a "problem that needs fixed to be happy".
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
