WAW - Detaching is the Hardest Thing

[Zues126]

BUT stupidly my behaviour has made things worse. My snooping and paranoia over whether she is having an EA/PA led to 3 big bustups when she was at her most vulnerable - grieving for her Father.

I think this is just he other side of the same coin. Believing your behavior made things worse is still part of an outlook that says what you do determines what she does. Not trying to beat a dead horse, but really don't believe any of what you hear, half of what you see, and whatever she does, know that it is 100% her decision. Yes, you've contributed to stress in the M. But all marriages have hard times, and not all wives make these choices. She is who she is. You are who you are.

I don't really understand the question about whether to separate. I'm not sure you have a choice here. She's divorcing you, correct? At some point this means you will be living separately. How and when that happens should be based on what you think is best for you and the children. Certainly not what will give her loss, that is more of this same thinking, not sure whether to call it controlling thinking or attached thinking. Anyway, it seems like physically separating is in the cards. I wouldn't drive the bus and be the one to lead the separation, but I wouldn't resist it either. Let her do the work, but be ready to make your own space when that comes.

I am not a believer in future telling, that is not DB...still, given the fact that WAW moved out and moved back once before, my gut tells me her journey this time around will be much longer. It wouldn't make sense for her to leave and come back a week later. She remembers doing that before. She remembers the pain of loss and separation. Now she feels she is prepared for it, and excited for her new life. I am not here to tell you to give up hope for your marriage, but I am definitely here to tell you to prepare for her to be gone, for you to be divorced, and for you and her to have lives that aren't connected in any way. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen, but I'd be assuming it would if I were you.

I am not perfect but overall I am happy as to who I am as a man. I will take the next few weeks/months to analyse and reflect were I have gone wrong - how I can improve - become a better man.

This is what's important. It doesn't matter what WAS or anyone else thinks. Her behavior doesn't reflect on you. It is not connected to you. I will keep saying it, I hope this gets through. Remember, there is what you can control directly, there is what you can influence, then there is what you can't control at all. You used to think your wife was in your control, now you still think she's under your influence...but she has moved to the part you can't control at all. The more you turn your focus back to YOU, the part you CAN control, the better you'll be. You get to decide how to process your pain, your hurt. You get to decide what you do each day. Where you go for support. You get to decide what stories you tell yourself in your head about all of this. Are you going to be the victim? The martyr? The self righteous one? Or are you going to breathe, let all of those stories come and go, understand they are all rooted in ego, fear, and neediness, validate your own feelings, pray for strength and comfort, and then go forth and be the best man you can be?

You've got this. It's a hell of a way to start a journey, being forced into it...but it's a cool journey, so go with the flow and enjoy what you can