Right now you are having a hard time accepting this is out of your control. Look at the following: It seems my not separating forced her into... I could propose that I leave the house - separate . It might buy some time For sure my snooping put the last nail in the M coffin. After that she took wedding rings off and put away wedding photos and stated I was the enemy within. This time round she gave me no reason for the ILYBINILWY speech... NO REASON. - nothing for me to work on.
These were all just things that caught my eye off the last few posts. It shows a pattern. You seem to think that her behavior is a reflection of what you do, and that if you can just figure out the right thing to do somehow you can get her back.
You've been trying to do that for 5 years. How's that working out?
Have you read the last few pages of my thread? Among other things I have really been exploring the process of admitting our mortality, our lack of control over the world around us, the humility that comes with. My life has never been better the more I can accept the world we actually live in.
OK, great, so you're clinging to the illusion of control, are in the denial/bargaining stage (not acknowledging that you two are getting divorced whether you like it or not), and keep trying to find ways to steer her journey. How do you change that?
Well, you're not stupid. You're not doing this for no reason. You tell me. What are you getting out of this dance? What is it about reality that is so scary or hard that you'd rather contort your life around an illusion and live in perpetual fear of it being revealed rather than face?
Keep posting. I don't really care too much about the blow by blow of what WAW is up to. I am really more interested in how you're processing it, what you're doing with all of that, and why.
OH- PS- Validating is NOT agreeing. It is acknowledging. If WAW says "I can't live like this anymore, I'll never feel for you again, I want a divorce so I can start the rest of my life", validating is something like "I understand. You feel you've been enduring an emotionless partnership for years and are tired of being trapped by it, and you feel you need legal separation to put this chapter of your life behind you and free you to make what you hope to be a better life. While we don't look at marriage the same way I have no desire to be partnered with someone that doesn't share my commitment so you will find me cooperative with getting this divorce completed quickly and amicably." I have a tiny, tiny truth dart in there, but the main point has to be validating, NOT arguing or debating or telling her why she's wrong to feel how she feels. Just acknowledge how she feels and move on.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
