As for his love language, and acts of service, I'd keep it dim with *H*, but I WOULD then (if that's his LL) do acts of service for daughter. Maybe even with him. Show him how lavishly you enjoy serving those you love, but instead of directing it at him, do it for D, in front of him or with him. Make him want to be the one you love and serve.
I want to clarify...this is NOT to be done controlling/manipulative. This is only if AOS is his LL, and then it should be a 180...something you make a permanent change, for YOU to be a better person, and to let those you love feel the love you have for them. NOT a gimmick to try to win him back.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I've already been on other meals out thinking that at least it would be a chance to show the new and improved me.
I've just reread this entire thread. I haven't seen anything that shows you are working on a new and improved you. 180s. Goals. GAL activities. Breakthroughs from IC. Where is it all? All I see is narration of H's activities and why that makes you sad or angry.
What do you want from us?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus I would be grateful for your advice on my thread.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
[quote] So let me know what his love languages are, and work on detaching and 180s. You detach by GAL, finding new ways to meet your emotional needs so you reduce your focus on H. I work this in last, but I will say once again that it is paramount. Then 180s. These are for you. I don't remember what your 180s are, which means that you're not doing enough with them, because if you're not mentioning them in every post you're focusing on H too much and not enough on you. What have you done to GAL and 180 this week? Why am I not hearing about that? Eyes back to you please!
This, right here, is pure gold. The entire post was great, but this cuts right to the heart of it. IP, I hope you read and re-read this and get as much out of it as I do.
I'm reading this as I've let myself fall back a bit into the H centered spiral this week (not enough time outside of work with others and GAL; too many little meh interactions with H after a very positive one). Nothing bad, just thinking too much and overthinking. But, unfortunately, I'm an artist and I paint alone which leads to living too much in my head. I just go back to the boards for a reminder and a reboot.
IP, what Zues said about focusing on H too much is true. It will make you mentally, emotionally and physically sick. You need to focus on you. My "real" job has me working with teens and young adults who have varying degrees of disabilities...and some severe behavioral issues. If we focus on their disabilities instead of what they CAN do, we tend to allow our emotional side take over and do too much for them, which makes them feel incapable and even worthless. If THEY focus too much on their disabilities, they end up having a pity party and using it as an excuse to not progress, perform, or to feel justified in acting out with bad behaviors. So, we keep their disabilities in the back of our mind, but create challenging tasks and work with them in a support role to meet them. We put the focus on THEM...the inner kiddo. Not the disability.
EVERYONE has their strengths. EVERYONE is capable of making themselves happy. I'm learning that we all can find ourselves in a negative rut. We are too comfortable in our habits or situation to change, even though it is ruining our life. The fear of not knowing if the steps needed to change will "work" or not holds us back. The fear of change itself holds us back. To change we HAVE to make ourselves very uncomfortable. That's called challenge. When we meet the challenge it gets more comfortable. Then challenge yourself again. As each challenge is met and overcome, you become different and hopefully better. Your challenges are your 180s and GAL. Do the hard work.
But you need to focus on you. YOUR circus. YOUR monkeys.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Just want to say I understand how you are feeling.
Your world has been rocked. You are at the beggining of all this in its early stages. Still a newbie even if it's the 2nd time around. Hard to disconnect and get your strength up. It took me a while in the beggining I was in total shock. You will have ups and downs and it may get worse before it gets better.
Some of the advise you are getting here may be a little too direct and rough. They are here to help you. I suggest you reread all your post and then take notes on the advise that you have received. Read the success stories. Make sure if you write something down on paper lock it up. Your H is in your home sometimes, you don't want him to find it. Also your computer or tablet lock it down.
You are still trying to understand your H. There is nothing to understand.
Hope your kids are doing well. You are their rock.
Your sitch is like mine. 2nd time around and we are still standing for our families. Your kids come first and you want them to have the family unit. I admire that.
Keep pushing on. You are getting stronger if you believe it or not. I see it Hugs
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
So let me know what his love languages are, and work on detaching and 180s. You detach by GAL, finding new ways to meet your emotional needs so you reduce your focus on H. I work this in last, but I will say once again that it is paramount. Then 180s. These are for you. I don't remember what your 180s are, which means that you're not doing enough with them, because if you're not mentioning them in every post you're focusing on H too much and not enough on you. What have you done to GAL and 180 this week? Why am I not hearing about that? Eyes back to you please!
Hi Zues, and thank you so much for this brilliant post! You are right on my inconsistencies due to emotions at the time and I can see how this is counter-productive. I am, as I said, finding it very difficult to detach because he is here so often. He doesn't seem to want to detach even though he is the one who left. If I don't talk to him he finds every reason he can to make conversation with me. I find it confusing.
Does his LL being AOS mean he likes doing things for me or that he would like me to do things for him? If it means that his LL is that he likes doing things for me/others, then yes! that is absolutely his LL. He has always expressed his love by doing things for me, taking care of me or buying me things. I think I am already like this with my S and D so he does see this when he comes round and has always seen this.
180s...yeah, you're right. I don't even know what to do for 180s save one thing. H didn't like that I intercepted between him and S because he is overbearing with him. I have been staying out of any situations between them. So I guess that's a 180, but I think it's probably the only one I'm doing. I can't think of any to do. I'd appreciate help and guidance with it.
GAL...well, I originally thought this meant I had to actually be going out somewhere but after reading on lots of threads it doesn't seem to be the case. This week I'd say my GAL things have been: finally making some things in my craft room (haven't done this since he left), bought S & D a new book and we have been snuggling down to read a chapter a night before bed, gave myself a pedicure, went to do something with my Dad this afternoon that we always used to do (don't want to say what it is as it's too identifying), have played board games with kids and parents today, had parents stay for tea and watched a film together.
These things make me feel better while I'm doing them but then I'm back to the same feeling when they stop. So I suppose I'm kind of detached when I'm doing them but then as soon as H comes round I don't feel detached in any way. I don't know what to do about that.
inpain, I know what you mean. When we do the GAL things it's good, but then the old feelings return. I lost it a bit ago, called two friends for reassurances, and now I'm off to another GAL activity. Such a different life. I used to think, if only there was more time in the day to get everything done. I was so happy being busy and productive. Now I just keep trying to find things to fill the time. But it's good, I guess, because I'm focused on being more content and a better person. I hope you have time to focus on you, too.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
