Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

I feel hopeful and relaxed when he is here on an evening. Hate him being here in a morning. Am in floods of tears as soon as he's gone out of the door, and feel so betrayed and upset by his FB status and him buying a motorbike when he keeps telling me he wants finances paid off before he goes to a solicitor to D me! D also told him my boots are worn and leak in water and he told me to go buy a pair of boots! I feel like I hate him but then I'm distraught when he's left for the evening. This week I have even questioned why I want him back. Everyone tells me I'm mad and should be thinking good riddance. This man has left me for 4 months 9 years ago because I was ill, had at least an EA, continued the EA behind my back for several more years - even meeting up with her on one admitted occasion and buying/receiving birthday and Christmas gifts! Had no regard for my feelings or thoughts when it has come to work decisions that have taken him away from his family, been overbearing with our S to the point of us arguing a lot about it and now left me again, touting himself as single on FB and bought a motorbike behind my back! Everyone tells me I deserve better.

I don't care one iota how you feel.

OK, I do. I don't like to see you suffer. I do care how you feel. And I want you to learn to detach, set boundaries, and find ways to lessen the pain. But when it comes to choosing your course forward, feelings have nothing to do with it. Whether you're angry, hurt, lonely, sad, whatever, I will say it one more time- emotions are not a compass you should use to steer with.

If your friends are telling you to leave him, you either are choosing the wrong friends to confide in, or you're dumping on them and they don't know how to handle it so they're telling you to 'get out' so they don't have to hear it anymore.

It's funny...I didn't really have any friends that could provide the emotional support I needed. My best friend...BEST FRIEND...he's amazing, kind, we're so close it's almost a marriage...but it was almost like he refused to talk about it. Once in a while I was so distraught I brought up my sitch and apologized for doing it because I knew he didn't want to hear, and sure enough he'd listen, not really say much, then move on. I really think it's because people don't know what to say. That is why I want you to post here on DB. We get it IP.

What *ISN'T* going to work is this just getting better on it's own with you doing what you're doing. Look- by failing to DETACH, you remain NEEDY. When you are needy you have EXPECTATIONS. When he doesn't meet your expectations you get HURT. This leads you to feeling RESENTFUL. This leads you to behave in all kinds of inconsistent ways. You are clinging and desperate because of your neediness. Then you might be nasty or punishing because you are angry. And in the middle there is a ton of control. It's hard to be your best person in the middle of that, but even if he wanted to try to R you'd still be in a spot where you'd either take him back without protecting yourself, or wouldn't be able to do your part to make it work.

I do think these are good opportunities. It seems like your H is doing things for you, kind of 'acts of service'. Is this his love language? I don't want you to be pursuing, but he is probably doing all of this for one of two reasons (or both)- either he wants you to reciprocate and he's trying to show you what he wants, or he's trying to show his feelings for you. I think it's ok to be a little appreciative of him. If he makes you dinner can you give him a SINCERE compliment, like 'you are so thoughtful H, thank you'? No, he shouldn't get to cake eat, and long term if he gets D you won't keep doing this. But your NOT D yet, and without being pursuing or having expectations I think it's ok to show him appreciation when he's doing things for you, because that would make him feel good and that might be what he wants. See what works. As for his love language, and acts of service, I'd keep it dim with *H*, but I WOULD then (if that's his LL) do acts of service for daughter. Maybe even with him. Show him how lavishly you enjoy serving those you love, but instead of directing it at him, do it for D, in front of him or with him. Make him want to be the one you love and serve.

So let me know what his love languages are, and work on detaching and 180s. You detach by GAL, finding new ways to meet your emotional needs so you reduce your focus on H. I work this in last, but I will say once again that it is paramount. Then 180s. These are for you. I don't remember what your 180s are, which means that you're not doing enough with them, because if you're not mentioning them in every post you're focusing on H too much and not enough on you. What have you done to GAL and 180 this week? Why am I not hearing about that? Eyes back to you please!