Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Other than stopping my pursing/fixing behavior with my W and letting go of the hope that my M will be saved, I haven't yet identified any other 180s that I could perform immediately. I am open to suggestions!

So are you suggesting that you arent to blame for the failure of your marriage at all? That all you need to do is leave her alone, wait a few days/weeks/months/years and eventually, all will be well? I cant imagine thats at all true.

Why do you get the impression that I am trying to say that I am not to blame for the failure of my M at all? Overall I have always been a pretty good guy, not perfect, but my W can't name a single thing about me that is a reason for her loss of attraction. So I have been on my own in terms of trying to figure it out. If you read my last several posts, I talk in depth about what I have been finding as I dig into myself to uncover my own flaws. Much of that stems from deep seated childhood issues which I can't easily change overnight with a 180. For example, I can't suddenly start to be a genuinely more empathetic person overnight. I have been starting to work away at this stuff but it's the kind of thing that will take me years or an entire lifetime to change.

Anyhow, three different ICs have all told me that if there's anything I have to learn here, it's that I need to value myself more and realize that I'm worthy of much more than what my W has brought to this M. My usual tendency is that I'm too hard on myself and I tend to assume that our problems are caused by something that I'm doing or not doing. If anything, I need to shift more in the other direction of realizing my W's shortcomings for what they are, and start to stand up for myself and be willing to walk away if she won't meet me in the middle.

We had another MC session on Wednesday where we each took a turn to communicate where we are at. I stated that I would feel deep regret if our M ended without having really given it our best shot

What EXACTLY does this mean? What EXACTLY are you suggesting is your best shot? Can you put that into words and quantify it?

To me, giving it our best shot means doing the obvious things we would need to do to cultivate an atmosphere where it's possible to heal our R. For starters, she would need to commit to NC with the OM and to honesty. From there, we both have work to do with learning how to communicate better, learning to set boundaries and respect the boundaries of the other. To me, giving it our best shot means doing this for awhile with a lot of help from MC to see what happens. If we really both try hard at it and nothing seems to improve after 8 months or so, then we could give up on the M knowing that we gave it our best shot.

OK...you started the thread "WW is onboard with trying to save the M" on December 11. Thats 6 weeks ago today. She still hasnt gone NC with OM. And youre still pussyfooting around her trying to get her to stop. Why are you still pushing her to do this or that?

That's not correct. I stopped pussyfooting and pushing her on around December 31st, a couple of days after I discovered that she had broken her NC commitment for the 3rd time. That's when I finally accepted that I couldn't trust her and had no choice but to let go. That's also when I stopped snooping. I decided not to file D because it seemed wise to take things slowly, but I have been leaning that way since then, fairly consistently.

I think it's clear she isnt ready. So, move forward with your life. You are sitting around stuck in this rut because....you are sitting around stuck in this rut. Im not saying to file for D, but you need to get your focus off of her issues and start living, man. Tell me about your GAL activities. Tell me about your relationship with your son. Tell me about the personality traits of yours you are working on. You are thinking so freaking hard about your M and your W that you appear stuck to me.

If you go back and read my recent posts, you'll read about the personality traits I'm working on. Nobody is replying when I talk about that stuff. It's as though you're only paying attention to the things I say that fit the story you have about me being a person who is stuck in a rut and doing everything wrong. It's pretty frustrating, to be honest. I could really use some support and encouragement. Not these constant put-downs.

Perhaps it appears like I'm focused too much on my W because that's what I'm interested in talking about here. I'm not all that interested in talking about the other stuff in detail because that stuff is great and I don't need help with it. I need help with the problem areas.

If I'm stuck on one thing, it's the notion that it's possible to move on with my life without filing for D. That still does not compute for me, although I have been making a genuine effort over the past 3 weeks, hoping that perhaps if I just try, it will get easier and start to make sense. So far, it is getting easier as I am becoming more detached, but it still doesn't make sense. In the past 3 weeks, I have hardly talked to my W about the R at all, other than those two MC sessions. I have been fully engaged in GAL activities, out with friends most evenings, etc. I just find it impossible to ignore the fact that my situation at home is pretty miserable right now and is a huge obstacle.

I'm a very all-or-nothing kinda guy, and I'm not willing to settle for an empty M where my W is just a roommate. I can tolerate it for awhile if she needs space to come around and that's what it takes as part of "giving it my best shot", but I'm just not comfortable living in limbo like this when there's no progress whatsoever. Having a solid M in which I can grow and learn and raise a family together with someone I love is one of my main goals in life. If I'm engaged and working on a M together with my W, then I'm working toward that goal. If I'm filing for D then I'm also working toward that goal (it's the first step in finding someone else). But if I'm just staying in a dead M and trying to ignore that while focusing on the rest of my life, I feel like I'm not making any progress toward that goal at all, and that really bothers me.

For now, I will tolerate how much it bothers me. I cannot conclude with certainty yet that my W is not making any progress at all.