Well DB family, today I dropped Woofie off at my STXW's for the last time. On Monday I head out on my grand adventure sans my little buddy and the space in my heart for my WAW as my W.
Today was beautiful. And heartbreaking. We ended up speaking for a few hours about all manner of things, mostly us. My STXW told me how upset she was last week by my kissing her on the cheek. She felt like it was a violation of the boundary that she has clearly set by filing for D. I had no idea.
She added though that she also felt, and has been told by her attorney, that I'm stalling the D. This is not the case. The last conversation I had w/ my attorney I was told to just sit tight until they had made some kind of proposal. So I've done nothing.
Since my W hasn't brought it up, I haven't brought it up as is with DB guidelines. She took this as me trying to halt the process despite me knowing she wanted it all wrapped up before I left. She told me again I was the PP of old - the one who says one thing and does another. It simply wasn't true.
Thus she was upset by me kissing her as she felt like I was stalling and then crossing boundaries. I apologized and explained. She did reverse course and say she could see how from her calling me, asking me to dinner and then never hearing about the divorce from my attorney that she may be questioning her decision. Although I'm not the PP of old, I'm also not interested in being with a woman who can't see me for the massive changes I've made, when every other person in my life is in awe of them. I feel I deserve to be with someone who recognizes for who I am first, and then my potential mistakes second.
And then she calmly and lovingly told me she simply doesn't want to be with me at all. Not out of anger, and not out of hurt. She's not in love with me, and feels that I was as addicted to her as I was to my other challenges and us getting back together would only set us both back. I was part of her old life and she's forging a new one, one that's being affirmed at every turn the further she stays from me.
I've told you all on here that I've felt chemistry between my WAW and I when we met for swaps, as well as being confused by what seemed like her coming closer to me. I felt nothing today but her truly letting me know, she wants to D me, she doesn't want to be with me, and she hopes that I find someone who does.
I believe her. And I want to find someone who does when I'm ready. But first I whole heartedly need to let my W go. We had our time, and it was a rough one. There were moments of beauty and amazement, and so many challenges. She told me of her own struggles in our M, of her FOO issues and how they played out identically in our M and how she's promised herself to never repeat them. I believe to her I am a direct representation of them.
It may not be true DB'ing, but again, I believe her. I want her to be happy, I want her to find someone that she trusts, and she still doesn't trust me. I'm not sure she ever will. She doesn't know the man I am today, but she doesn't want to. She's also not going to see me for 12 months and I am truly letting her go.
I'm going to contact my attorney on Monday and find out why I haven't been kept in the loop about this moving forward.
Honestly fam, I'm at peace again. I told her I love her. I told her she'd always have a place in my heart as someone I travelled a good portion of my life with. She cried when I told her. She told me the same.
If our paths cross again in the future, I'll be delighted. If they don't, I'll love her from afar. I'm a huge fan of hers and always will be.
In closing, I love my W. I didn't love being married to her. I loved being married and what I thought it represented - the security, the teamwork, the partnership. Bu the intimacy was not there with us. Neither of us trusted the other.
I hated the man that married her. And he only got worse with her. I love the man that I am now. And see how our dynamic made me worse when we were together, and not better. I also see how our dynamic made her worse when we were together, and not better. I'll take us both being who we were meant to be apart than who we were together.
This place has been a sanctuary for me. A true blessing. I had no idea how I would survive the worst experience of my life and this board is in large part responsible for why I can say I'm thriving like never before. DB'ing works if you work it. It's so damn hard, and so counterintuitive but it does work. Please be kind to yourselves where ever you are in your sitch's. Please be kind to your spouses, even the WW ones. We're all just trying to do the best we can with the tools we have.
I love you all, thank you again. And no, I won't be disappearing on you completely.
With my heart,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
