More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

JB, I don't know what to say. You are one of a kind. Fogg, thanks for the reply.

I will tell you there are different 'worlds' I'm referring to. When I refer to the fact that in this world people don't have the same commitment to marriage I do, I'm simply averaging out the general population and observing that it is far different than it would be if everyone felt like I do. Is the world wrong for feeling differently than me in general? Doesn't matter. It is what it is. It's my problem to accept that, while still living in a way I feel good about. As for who is in that world, anyone that shares my conviction about marriage would likely feel the way I do, and they would know they aren't included in my references to the 'world'.

As for my intensity and how I feel different, there is some truth that I am a bit different. I don't really regard it as a 'better' thing, like 'I'm the best and everyone else is worthless', it's not like that at all. In fact, it's apparent that I hurt my XW tremendously and played a role in the destruction of my family so it's not exactly something I think of as good. But for me if I am not at the top of everything I do by a wide margin I just can't sit with that very easily, like someone with OCD can't stand grime on their fingernails. It makes me uncomfortable. And I get to the top. So when I describe my experience I feel I need to explain that so people can understand both who I am, and what my challenges are in how I relate to those around me. It's not a good thing, it just is what it is, and I'm just tired of beating myself up about it, because me being distraught that I have this imperfection is just more of the same OCD.

As for what role anger serves me, and Foggs question of what would being average mean...well, this is part of my journey.

What I've learned is that I dissociated from my feelings when I was a child. I thought I was Spock, human feelings were just curiosities to me. I denied them. I lived in my head. The problem was that they kept coming back. So I learned a trick- when I'm really focused on something, I don't feel the feelings. I found that when I played pool I could condense my entire awareness to that of the goal I was racing towards, and I wouldn't hurt. This, combined with a deep rooted feeling of inadequacy, lead me to come up with this idea that I needed to be the greatest pool player that ever lived. This was going to be how I 'won'. I didn't realize that the real 'benefit' to me of doing this was that it allowed me to not deal with feelings for many, many years. All I thought about was pool. Anytime anything else crossed my mind or heart I stuffed it away and said 'bah, I will be the best at pool'. I convinced myself that this is why I would be the best, everyone else would be distracted, only I would have the determination to stuff everything aside and stride forward whether my body was in pain or my heart was bleeding. I believed that the amount of pain I went through would determine how far I got, and no one would ever keep up with me because I would burn in hell forever to be the best. All because I didn't know what was going on. So dealing with emotions is not something I'm experienced at.

In my 20s I tried to get married and have children. It didn't work well. I couldn't connect with my children. I remember crying once in a while feeling like my kids were growing up on the other side of a thick, glass wall. I could never connect with them. They were like strangers in my house. And I knew how much pain was in my heart, I was very depressed, and I thought they were better off, and would be better off without knowing their dad. I would bury my depression behind striving at work and pool, and then it would be almost a bi-polar type cycle as I would run from my feelings and run from them but eventually they would catch up and I'd crash. And since I knew this would happen, even when I was running, running, manic, expansive, insane, I was always terrified because I knew the crash would come. I am not bi-polar, it was just a sub-optimal coping method.

I see why my ex left me. This was exhausting and tormenting to her. She was partnered with someone that was crazy. This was my IC's exact phrase.

But divorce was a loss that was so profound, it shook me to the core.

I've been on a journey to try to live differently since BD. I've learned about this model. I've sat with my feelings when I would normally run. I've tried to slow down. I've deliberately resisted my compulsions to go out and kill. I've tried to find healthier ways of processing my feelings, like talking on these forums.

Some milestones have been achieved. I've been able to connect with my kids for the first time in my life. Part of this might be the conflict with XW is no longer interfering, but I am also able to be with them, relate to them in a world they are in.

I am able to appreciate my life. I am not suicidal. I am not up and down. I am not afraid all of the time. My life is better than it has ever been. So I've made some changes.

I guess certain thought patterns are really habitual, and others have defined me for so long I don't always notice them.

One thing my IC keeps telling me is what Fogg said, it was hard for me to accept my mortality. Being human. Being mortal. Being average. Understanding that I don't get to control everything in my life. Not my life, not the world, not my partners. That ultimately I will lose everything and everyone that is dear to me, it is just a matter of when and how. And that the world doesn't work the way I wished it did, and I have to deal with that. That is a slow lesson for me Fogg. For a long time I thought I was superhuman, that I was special, that I could do stuff most people thought was impossible, I could visualize it, will it to be, focus on it, drive towards it, feeling no hunger or pain until it magically happened. And I looked at my results as PROOF. I told my IC at the time "I am not imagining that I have a wall of trophies, that I've been promoted 4 times in 5 years". And he replied, "No, but you're not imagining that you haven't talked to your wife for 4 months either". So living life on life's terms has been an adjustment.

I feel like I'm making that adjustment. As I say, I am breathing, feeling, eating, sleeping, working, and being a dad. I am focused on what's in front of me. I know that I am growing, and I'm working on that as you can tell, but I'm trying not to be too insanely driven on my quest for personal growth because that is self defeating. So I am also trying to accept how flawed I am. It is hard for me. It is hard to be this broken. It is hard that I caused so much pain to XW, that I hurt others with my recklessness. And it is hard sometimes to let go of what I was so great at. It is hard to play pool tournaments and lose, and know that I could turn into the incredible hulk and destroy everyone, only like Bruce Banner I don't want to be that angry anymore, so I'll just put up a fight and lose with grace. It's very hard. But wah wah, life is hard for everyone.

At least for the first time I'm ok. My heart doesn't feel like it's bleeding. I'm not going to take my own life. I am getting along with my kids. So I mean it when I say I've never done better. I am not sure where I'll be in a year, I don't care, I don't want to set more goals. My goal is to not have goals anymore, just to do what is in front of me and enjoy it.

But to the last question, no one on this forum really disappoints me, and certainly no one from Hobbiton...