Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for checking in on me and offering such wonderful words of wisdom and advice the last couple of days. I don't even know where to start with what is going on. I am so confused and upset with things that keep happening and also my own thoughts and feelings. I have been struggling so much the last couple of days, hence my absence. I just haven't really been able to face putting it all into words I suppose. I think this post will end up very long and rambling - apologies in advance. I sincerely hope that could have your thoughts on it all. I just cannot make sense of what goes on anymore. Anyway, here is what has been going on.
Monday night I discovered that H has opened a FB page and listed himself as 'single'. Also discover he's bought a motorbike! We don't see him because of his shift times.
Tuesday morning he comes round at 7am so that he can see S and be here to take D to school. This is one thing that is really getting to me - having to see him literally 10 minutes after I've woken up - and he's there, in my face, the whole time I'm getting myself and the kids ready for work/school. Ugh, it is just awful. We don't see him on the night time because of his shifts but I get the text asking about taking the kids out for tea on Wednesday. I didn't actually get the text until 3 hours after he sent it (poor signals in our area) so he sent another text saying "Guess you don't like the idea". I replied telling him that both texts came through together just now and that yes, the kids will like going out for tea. He text back asking if I wanted to come too.
Wednesday morning he comes at 7am again. Ugh. First thing he does is ask if I want to go for tea later as I didn't reply to his text. I told him I wasn't sure because I don't understand why he wants me to tag along. He says it's because the kids will want me to. I told him he will have to start doing things on his own with them and that when he asks me to join them I always think it means there is some hope. He pulled an "Oh, didn't realise that!" kind of expression. I told him, no, I don't think I want to come. He picked D up from school so was there when I got home from work. S instantly tells me Dad's taking them out for tea and please, please, please will I come. I say I'm not sure and then D bursts into tears and says she doesn't want to go without me. I give in and we all go. Yet again, you wouldn't know there was anything wrong while we are out. H is attentive, laughs and jokes, starts every conversation (because I still try to be 'dark' by not initiating any). He stayed until kids were in bed then left, all concerned on his way out, 'Make sure you lock this doorl'
Thursday he's here again at 7am. I have a very late meeting that day so he asks what I was planning on making the kids for tea. Gave him two options I was thinking of and he asked me which I'd prefer. I say I'm not bothered and leave for work. When I got home he has a roast dinner all ready and waiting. Again, you wouldn't know anything is wrong. He is attentive, initiates every conversation, laughs and jokes. Again, he stays until kids are in bed then leaves. I busied myself with sorting laundry when he went to leave but, as I was facing a window, I could see him standing in the doorway and he was acting very hesitant, as though he was either waiting for me to turn round or he was thinking of something to say. He just said see you tomorrow and left after a few minutes. I discover that he has changed the status on his FB page from 'single' to 'it's complicated'. Complicated with me or complicated with someone else?!?!?!
Today he comes at 7am again. D had a medical appointment so he met us there. Ugh, it feels like I cannot get away from him for a minute! How am I supposed to detach when it is like this!?!?! The appointment was immediately before lunch so all came home. I needed to grab some lunch to take back to work and D had lunch at home. He again acted all concerned, trying to help me fix my lunch and get me to stay for lunch and then go back to work. I didn't though. He picked D up from school again so was here when I got home from work. D had been promised a treat of her choice for being brave at her appointment. She chose home made lasagne, popcorn and a film. I busied myself with the lasagne and stayed out of H's way. At one point he came to tell me something of little importance and when I only replied with a muttered "OK" he said, "Have I done something to upset you?" He seemed very offended! Hello!?!?!?! Seriously!! You've done plenty to upset me!!! H complimented me on the lasagne (have to admit, it was the best one I've made!) and we all watched a film. The kids came and snuggled with me to watch it. I could see H looking over all the time out of the corner of my eye. He left early because he has to be up in the morning.
I feel hopeful and relaxed when he is here on an evening. Hate him being here in a morning. Am in floods of tears as soon as he's gone out of the door, and feel so betrayed and upset by his FB status and him buying a motorbike when he keeps telling me he wants finances paid off before he goes to a solicitor to D me! D also told him my boots are worn and leak in water and he told me to go buy a pair of boots! I feel like I hate him but then I'm distraught when he's left for the evening. This week I have even questioned why I want him back. Everyone tells me I'm mad and should be thinking good riddance. This man has left me for 4 months 9 years ago because I was ill, had at least an EA, continued the EA behind my back for several more years - even meeting up with her on one admitted occasion and buying/receiving birthday and Christmas gifts! Had no regard for my feelings or thoughts when it has come to work decisions that have taken him away from his family, been overbearing with our S to the point of us arguing a lot about it and now left me again, touting himself as single on FB and bought a motorbike behind my back! Everyone tells me I deserve better. I don't want a D, I don't want my children living that kind of life, being swapped from pillar to post between us, yet I have no option. I do not know what to do. Please help with advice or thoughts etc. I really am truly grateful for all of you.
