Letting go, finally

[Azzork]

Other than stopping my pursing/fixing behavior with my W and letting go of the hope that my M will be saved, I haven't yet identified any other 180s that I could perform immediately. I am open to suggestions!

So are you suggesting that you arent to blame for the failure of your marriage at all? That all you need to do is leave her alone, wait a few days/weeks/months/years and eventually, all will be well? I cant imagine thats at all true.

You say your W lost her attraction to you over the years. What would you say led to that? What qualities or characteristics of yours contributed to the downfall of the R you had with your W? At the same time, what characteristics ofyourself would you like to improve? How do you want JGuy 2.0 to look? How can you get there?

However, I continue to feel uncertain about how long is long enough. If things continue to feel stuck like nothing is changing and my W is just taking advantage of the extra time by continuing to avoid while she is in contact with the OM, then I may at some point decide it's long enough and make the decision myself. I had previously speculated that this might come as soon as the end of January, but I like the idea of taking it one day at a time.

I have a hard time basing your decision to divorce on whether or not your W is doing or not doing something. It feels like you are using it as a "wake up call" for her. Regardless, theres no point in setting a time limit. As Zues wrote before, you are only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and regret.

We had another MC session on Wednesday where we each took a turn to communicate where we are at. I stated that I would feel deep regret if our M ended without having really given it our best shot

What EXACTLY does this mean? What EXACTLY are you suggesting is your best shot? Can you put that into words and quantify it?

It seems wise to me that we really should try our best, but unless she also feels that way and chooses to make a genuine effort (which would need to include NC with OM), there's really no point.

OK...you started the thread "WW is onboard with trying to save the M" on December 11. Thats 6 weeks ago today. She still hasnt gone NC with OM. And youre still pussyfooting around her trying to get her to stop. Why are you still pushing her to do this or that? I think it's clear she isnt ready. So, move forward with your life. You are sitting around stuck in this rut because....you are sitting around stuck in this rut. Im not saying to file for D, but you need to get your focus off of her issues and start living, man. Tell me about your GAL activities. Tell me about your relationship with your son. Tell me about the personality traits of yours you are working on. You are thinking so freaking hard about your M and your W that you appear stuck to me.

Committing to this effort wouldn't mean making any permanent commitment, and we are still free to decide it's not working. The worst case outcome would be that we may learn some valuable skills together that would help us as co-parents should we still end up deciding to D. So there's really nothing to lose by trying, other than the fact that she would drift out of contact with the OM for awhile and my "lose her chance" to be with him. To this, my W stated that although she agrees with this logic, she feels a reluctance but can't really put her finger on why. She needs more time to contemplate what the source of the reluctance is.

Because that would mean she would have to make a choice. Right now, you are hanging around her waiting for her to drop OM. She has both of you hanging on, waiting on her. Why are you giving her that luxury? Go out and live your life. You dont need to divorce her. Just stop waiting on her to pick you. If she wants to do the work and be with you, she knows where to find you.

During the MC session, my W proceeded to be brutally honest about where she is at. Unlike some WWs, she didn't blame me for anything, painted me as a wonderful guy, and wants to take full responsibility for the fact that this mess is mostly due to her issues. She reiterated that she just doesn't feel it for me, can't remember ever feeling it, and feels like most of who she is has been living a life outside the M for quite some time now. For the most part, she has decided that it's really not looking like the M can be saved, but she is scared s#$tless about moving forward with D. She was honest about the fact that she would much rather continue to avoid facing the difficult decision ahead of her by continuing to escape. Obviously, this isn't the responsible thing to do and she knows it, but it is all very daunting to her. I expressed empathy for for how hard this must be for her, and that all of us go through things like this in life. She really appreciated the compassion I was showing, but had to admit that she just didn't feel like she could receive it. This pretty much sums up where we are stuck.

So, stop making it easy on her. She says some things like that, and you spin around thinking, analyzing, considering, and so on. START. DOING.