Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Update on the past 4 days: Not much has changed. I continue to settle into the new reality of feeling very disconnected from my W and accepting that. This is prompting me to turn into myself more and look for resolution within myself instead of looking for resolution with my W. The emotional flipping back and forth isn't happening anymore. I am completely out of the denial and I'm seeing things for what they really are, and I don't feel attracted to my W anymore. This is making it much easier to detach.

When I periodically think about it, I feel increasingly certain that D may be the right way forward for us, but I'm still committed to taking things slowly as it is a decision not to be taken lightly. My main hesitation continues to be the fact that I would really regret ending the M without feeling that we had really given it our best shot. Since she still hasn't reached a point where she will agree to NC and make an honest effort to begin reconciliation, all I can do is work on myself as best I can alone. I have been doing this in the past several days. I saw a different (male) IC yesterday who was highly recommended my multiple people I trust. He helped me gain a new perspective on the root cause of some of my core issues. Everything he said I already knew, but it helped to confirm I'm on the right track and to reveal a different angle from which I can approach my inner work. It is most likely that I have years of this inner work ahead of me to fully heal my childhood wounds, but I feel good about myself for starting to take these baby steps now. Other than stopping my pursing/fixing behavior with my W and letting go of the hope that my M will be saved, I haven't yet identified any other 180s that I could perform immediately. I am open to suggestions!

Focusing on myself is what I need to be doing regardless of whether or not we save the M, so rushing the D process doesn't seem to solve any real purpose. However, I continue to feel uncertain about how long is long enough. If things continue to feel stuck like nothing is changing and my W is just taking advantage of the extra time by continuing to avoid while she is in contact with the OM, then I may at some point decide it's long enough and make the decision myself. I had previously speculated that this might come as soon as the end of January, but I like the idea of taking it one day at a time.

We had another MC session on Wednesday where we each took a turn to communicate where we are at. I stated that I would feel deep regret if our M ended without having really given it our best shot, but that I would ultimately accept it and move on if it came to that. It seems wise to me that we really should try our best, but unless she also feels that way and chooses to make a genuine effort (which would need to include NC with OM), there's really no point. Committing to this effort wouldn't mean making any permanent commitment, and we are still free to decide it's not working. The worst case outcome would be that we may learn some valuable skills together that would help us as co-parents should we still end up deciding to D. So there's really nothing to lose by trying, other than the fact that she would drift out of contact with the OM for awhile and my "lose her chance" to be with him. To this, my W stated that although she agrees with this logic, she feels a reluctance but can't really put her finger on why. She needs more time to contemplate what the source of the reluctance is.

During the MC session, my W proceeded to be brutally honest about where she is at. Unlike some WWs, she didn't blame me for anything, painted me as a wonderful guy, and wants to take full responsibility for the fact that this mess is mostly due to her issues. She reiterated that she just doesn't feel it for me, can't remember ever feeling it, and feels like most of who she is has been living a life outside the M for quite some time now. For the most part, she has decided that it's really not looking like the M can be saved, but she is scared s#$tless about moving forward with D. She was honest about the fact that she would much rather continue to avoid facing the difficult decision ahead of her by continuing to escape. Obviously, this isn't the responsible thing to do and she knows it, but it is all very daunting to her. I expressed empathy for for how hard this must be for her, and that all of us go through things like this in life. She really appreciated the compassion I was showing, but had to admit that she just didn't feel like she could receive it. This pretty much sums up where we are stuck.