First of all, do NOT tell her about the receipt you found. She will twist it around so much she'll have you believing you're nuts for mistrusting her. You are already doubting yourself. You need to mistrust her. Yes, that's what I said! You cannot trust a wayward who flatly refuses transparency. The burden of proof is on the cheating spouse and she is doing nothing to even try to earn your trust again. That, alone, speaks volumes.
I've kept the receipt under wraps right now. If nothing else, I see no reason to tip my hand. I agree that I need to not trust anything she says/does. And the fact that I told her I couldn't trust her unless she was completely transparent and she still chose not to be transparent told me everything I needed to know. I also was very clear that that it was up to her to regain my trust. It's more than just the phone - it's everything. Why should I believe it when she says she did X at lunch? Why should I believe she's working late? Fact is I don't, and it will take a lot of repair before I will again.
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What do you mean by "just keep DBing"?
I men to continue to GAL and detach. Certainly not working on our relationship. Trying not to pursue (it's a work in progress on that one).
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Let me say this about "demanding transparency". You don't have to demand it, that's up to you. However, if you have her told that it will take transparency for you to trust her, or to heal, or for the M to work....or whatever, then you need to do something if she is not cooperating. For her to continue on without being transparent and you to just sit back and do nothing, would be very bad. Any future respect for you as a man or her H would pretty much be destroyed.
Did you ever state a boundary in relationship to her continuing an A? Did you make the transparency a stipulation to staying in the M? If so, then without consequences, it's ineffective.
The consequences I gave for not having transparency were that I wouldn't work on the marriage. No point if her head is elsewhere. I said I would keep improving myself, but I wouldn't waste any time or effort on "us" until she started investing in the relationship.
The consequences for continuing the A isn't as clear, mainly because I was still working on how to state and stick to boundaries. It essentially boils down to this. Whatever the did in the past is the past, but if she chooses to have a PA (to ANY degree) with the OM now we are done. EA is tougher - she interacts with him all the time. How much contact is too much? I think the phone chats are done now, but I don't really care. They used to go to lunch together - do they still? Maybe I should ask, since it seems like my wife doesn't really feel like volunteering much...
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
but if she chooses to have a PA (to ANY degree) with the OM now we are done.
It's about GD time.
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EA is tougher - she interacts with him all the time. How much contact is too much?
Any contact whatsoever with someone you've had an inappropriate relationship with is too much contact. If you tolerate any of this then you don't respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself then she won't respect you or any boundaries.
Any contact whatsoever with someone you've had an inappropriate relationship with is too much contact. If you tolerate any of this then you don't respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself then she won't respect you or any boundaries.
They work together. She's working on changing that, but because she doesn't like her job. I don't think she's doing it to get away from him or make me happy
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Ugghhh. It's hard when they work together. My W and OW and I all work at the same place. W and OW are in meetings together frequently, although OW's office is not nearby. We form a sort of rough triangle -- which has so many meanings.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So where do you stand? Is she in it, fence sitting, checked out, undecided about what she wants? Having an A? Not having an A? You need to know where you stand or you can't make informed decisions.
I think that right now she's either fence sitting or undecided. Without reading her mind I won't know for sure. I refuse to guess what her motives are when her actions are this erratic.
I don't think she's having a PA, but I'm fairly certain she's still having an EA from the standpoint that she's still WAY to connected to him emotionally. I should mention that I think its possible to be caught up in a one-sided EA, so it doesn't really matter if I find evidence of an EA or contact. If she WANTS contact its as bad as if she has contact in my book
As for me, I still have work to do on myself. Not only fun stuff like guitar and meeting people, but personal growth. I can hang on a bit longer, but I refuse to be in limbo forever.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Ugghhh. It's hard when they work together. My W and OW and I all work at the same place. W and OW are in meetings together frequently, although OW's office is not nearby. We form a sort of rough triangle -- which has so many meanings.
I think there's a reason most affairs start at work - convenience. Turns out that waywards are so lazy that can't even make an effort to find a good replacement. Apparently having a pulse and being nearby is all it takes...
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Yes, my H's EA was also at work. I hate this. I hate cheaters. I hate "EA's" like they think they are so special. Ugh. I am fed up with all of them. I am sorry that she is putting you through this, she has no idea how lucky she is to have a good man who is willing to put up with this for so long.
I am sorry that she is putting you through this, she has no idea how lucky she is to have a good man who is willing to put up with this for so long.
This does not take anything away from how much I hate affairs of any kind (EA or PA), but I can endure for now because I know I was part of the problem and that she was suffering for a long time before she went down her dark path. I just wonder if she'll find her way home before I move on
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Infidelity is growing because it's more socially acceptable today. Nobody bats an eye when somebody gets cheated on. Broken vows? Who cares, certainly not the cheaters. There should be real repercussions for inflicting the level of pain and emotional trauma that cheaters inflict. Serious repercussions.
