More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

So I met with IC right after my last post. It was quite timely because this has been on my mind lately. I have talked about how I don't trust my feelings or thoughts, as they are too subjective, and how I try to live by my beliefs for those reasons. Well, I have really challenged my stance on marriage. How much of this is just my pain and anger talking? Is my pain and anger helping motivate me to be a better man, or keeping me from being a better man? I am working on letting it go, little by little, am I on track based on my timelines, or am I hung up somewhere?

My IC thought these were good questions to ask. He asked what was keeping the anger around. Like a doctor asking 'does it hurt here, does it hurt here' he made a number of statements people often made after having a spouse leave them, and he asked me to tell him which ones resonated with me. Some didn't hurt me at all, for example I have forgiven myself for my contribution to the breakdown of the marriage, and I do not take it personally that she left me so it doesn't make me feel unloveable, I see that it was her choice. So what were the sensitive spots?

I am angry because the world doesn't work the way I wish it did. I don't like that our human shortcomings interfere with what I feel ought to be life long partnerships. I am angry that it has cost me so much, specifically in not living with my kids, not being able to share the magical moments of raising them with their mom, and of never being able to have the experience of being with one woman for my entire life, that I didn't get the relationship I wanted. I am angry that no matter what I do or say I couldn't prevent this, and that no matter how much I do on my end to find the right partner and look for red flags I might get hurt again because I'm at the mercy of decisions made by people and other forces outside of my control.

When you're angry because the world isn't the way you want it to be, it's easy to blame the world. In my case I tend to blame society's acceptance of divorce, and of those people that justify divorce in any way shape or form. Because of how I feel, it can be hard to see past the idea that no one should ever, ever, ever make this choice. I equate my wife divorcing me to some woman murdering my wife and leaving me to co-parent with the killer. I get angry at the ocean of people that say "I don't believe in divorce BUT" and then explain situations where there are exceptions, when I am really struggling with the idea of exceptions because without fail everyone thinks they're the exception, all of the 70% that destroy families and bounce through relationships looking for what they feel they're entitled to. It's easy for me to be angry at people's expectations that they deserve a spouse that treats them with respect, or is willing to grow with them, or blah blah blah, because in my mind it feels like you stay together no matter what, and if you have a spouse that doesn't care for you, then you set boundaries, and that you find ways to be the best you can be, appreciate what you have in life, and not let your pain lead you to be anything less than the best spouse you can be, and that you stay married and serve your partner because marriage is about giving, not getting, and we're not all entitled to getting everything we want in life, and the idea that we are is causing way, way, way more pain and destruction that if people just STFU, stayed put, and served their spouse and God, because if everyone took leaving off the table as an option, and gave their partners decades to change instead of years, I feel it would work out better for everyone, and that it is our impatience and entitlement and shortsightedness and frankly our human failings and the Devil himself that tells us that we deserve something more right here and right now and we need to go get it.

So, in short, I am angry because the world isn't how I want it to be and I blame the people that excuse divorce.

OK. Breathing. Calming. So that's why I'm angry, and that's why I'm so passionate on the topic. So how much of this is my feelings talking, versus how much is my beliefs? And is this healthy? Well, I know these are my beliefs, I see my journal entries from 2010 and 2011 when I felt like I was dying in my marriage, and how kept coming back to how I'd rather die than leave, and that if we just stayed together maybe someday it would work differently. And in talking to my IC, there is nothing wrong with using the pain I went through to motivate and inspire me to control and change what I can, namely changing myself directly to be a better man, and by doing what I can to influence those around me such as my friends and those on this board.

Where it gets destructive is when I beat my head against trying to change the world itself, when I can't accept the way the world is, and if this interferes with my ability to appreciate and enjoy what there is to enjoy in the world. For example, if I never talk to another woman again for the rest of my life because I believe none of them place the same value on marriage and think their partners are replaceable, well, that doesn't necessarily help me. If I carry that anger to the point that every time I hear about a woman walking out on her marriage I get PTSD and start boiling over, well, that's not going to help me enjoy my life. Particularly with how many spouses are walking ou- (oh no, I'm doing it again!)

What I'm doing each day is two things. 1) Being appreciative for what I have. 2) Working through these thoughts and feelings. It will take time, and there may never be an end to it. We'll see.

In general, though, life isn't the way we want it, we don't get what we wish we did, we lose everything of value to us, then we die...and that can be hard to accept. But in the middle of it there is nothing but a string of miracles, and we can't lose sight of that. And we can't let ideals interfere with our ability to enjoy our reality. I get this in my head, and frankly I've never been happier and get this in my heart more than ever. I guess I was hurt pretty badly and the wound may never heal, so I will have to keep working on this to either patch it up or learn how to manage the chronic pain.