Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

Hi Sandy - thank you for boxing my ears a bit

First of all, do NOT tell her about the receipt you found. She will twist it around so much she'll have you believing you're nuts for mistrusting her. You are already doubting yourself. You need to mistrust her. Yes, that's what I said! You cannot trust a wayward who flatly refuses transparency. The burden of proof is on the cheating spouse and she is doing nothing to even try to earn your trust again. That, alone, speaks volumes.

I've kept the receipt under wraps right now. If nothing else, I see no reason to tip my hand. I agree that I need to not trust anything she says/does. And the fact that I told her I couldn't trust her unless she was completely transparent and she still chose not to be transparent told me everything I needed to know. I also was very clear that that it was up to her to regain my trust. It's more than just the phone - it's everything. Why should I believe it when she says she did X at lunch? Why should I believe she's working late? Fact is I don't, and it will take a lot of repair before I will again.

What do you mean by "just keep DBing"?

I men to continue to GAL and detach. Certainly not working on our relationship. Trying not to pursue (it's a work in progress on that one).

Let me say this about "demanding transparency". You don't have to demand it, that's up to you. However, if you have her told that it will take transparency for you to trust her, or to heal, or for the M to work....or whatever, then you need to do something if she is not cooperating. For her to continue on without being transparent and you to just sit back and do nothing, would be very bad. Any future respect for you as a man or her H would pretty much be destroyed.

Did you ever state a boundary in relationship to her continuing an A? Did you make the transparency a stipulation to staying in the M? If so, then without consequences, it's ineffective.

The consequences I gave for not having transparency were that I wouldn't work on the marriage. No point if her head is elsewhere. I said I would keep improving myself, but I wouldn't waste any time or effort on "us" until she started investing in the relationship.

The consequences for continuing the A isn't as clear, mainly because I was still working on how to state and stick to boundaries. It essentially boils down to this. Whatever the did in the past is the past, but if she chooses to have a PA (to ANY degree) with the OM now we are done. EA is tougher - she interacts with him all the time. How much contact is too much? I think the phone chats are done now, but I don't really care. They used to go to lunch together - do they still? Maybe I should ask, since it seems like my wife doesn't really feel like volunteering much...