Ahhhhhh, but zeus, I did not leave my marriage. I fought for my marriage. But when the other person doesn't want back in and doesn't want to change behaviors that are very detrimental, what do you do? Live in dysfunction to simply honor a vow? I am not talking from a WAW view, I am speaking from a LBS view.
You did kind of add judgement to that pain, by calling BS on people for their choices. It's ok, I understand you are still in that very raw phase where you just can't see how divorce is the EVER the better option. Honoring a vow is more than just staying married. It's doing what is needed to keep the marriage healthy.
I am by no means a divorce advocate. I by no means think anyone should just throw in the towel when it gets rough. But I fully believe two people living in dysfunction when one is not willing to work on it, just to honor a vow is very detrimental, especially to the kids. It took me years after my D to figure this one out. I think of where my daughter would be if my ex simply agreed to stay in the marriage, I agreed to stay in the marriage and neither of us, or only one of us just changed or had done the work. I cringe thinking about what kind of damage that may have done. That damage would have been far worse than the damage caused by divorce. I would have gotten past the affair if my ex was willing to work and change with me. But he wasn't.
I'll stop now, but I just want you to see that commitment to a marriage is more than just staying married. I feel the pain of the loss of your family and I hate that you hurt that way. I lost my "family" (I put that family in quotes, because me and my daughter have always been a family) as soon as it began (one and only daughter born through IVF was only 6 months old when he left me for another woman) The pain was mostly unbearable.
I absolutely respect your honor of marriage and the commitment that you make. After almost 8 years of DB and being separated, I have had the chance to come to fully realize what honoring your vows really truly means, it is a whole lot more than just staying married.
