Help..I am drowning

[LITB]

I don't know where to go on this except that I do truly believe that we didn't invest the time in fixing our relationship...but she is on the other side saying we have. Open for suggestions or advice right now as I am lost???

I'll say it again, the change begins with YOU!! She isn't going to follow, if you don't take the lead by making the changes within yourself. You are stuck in the right here and right now. You will have more influence in the outcome than you can see right now.

Why is she going to believe anything you say or do right now?

What will make her think that things can be different?

What have you showed her is different from before?

Are any changes you have made thus far genuine, or just a way to get her to reconsider?

Do you listen? Did you listen to her when she complained?

The reason I ask, is because I am not sure you are hearing what we are telling you. We are giving you solid advice, but...yes, but it doesn't seem to be getting through.

You have asked if anyone has had lawyers, filed, etc and come out the other side together. Yeah, I've been there, done that. The legal part got extremely ugly. My W lived 1100 miles away. The judge ordered me to send our kids to her, because I let fear cloud my choices. Screw that. Lessons learned the hard way.

People here tried to warn me, but I knew better. Like you, I thought it was over. And it was. My M was dead. It wasn't working. In the process I found myself. I had an awakening, because I lost life as I knew it.

When I changed and lived my life independent of my W, my situation shifted. I let her back in too easy the first time, because she didn't do any of the work. Back to square one with her. This time I was better prepared on how to handle the situation.

You have to trust the process. Takes one step at a time.

[G8r]

I hear you loud and clear rich4j. I feel the same way as you and my W would agree with your W regarding fixing the M. Can't speak for your W, but my W has built a big wall against me to protect herself from emotional pain she perceives came from me. All I can do is give her time and space. Avoiding arguments also seems to help.. Probably not what you'd like to hear but there's not a lot you can do except make things worse. It's not what I want for my M, but something I am beginning to realize that I must accept. Be well and good luck.

[Azzork]

A- you are spot on with the I spent xx years (2+) and not interested anymore. Any suggestions on this?????
Not starting the conversation in the first place? You cant argue with her about that - whos to say she didnt "try everything"? And nothing you do or say is going to make her be interested. So theres not really a response out there.

But I just struggle with being the calm guy who walks through how we can split up our life. How is that going to help?
What do you propose to do or say instead?

Not really sure yet. Thinking that I want all of us to be happy.
and she will respond with "I cant be happy with you". Then what?

She thinks this path will make her happy and I can understand how upsetting this is for her and she is feeling this is the right decision.
So you want her to forego HER happiness so that...you can be happy?

I don't know where to go on this except that I do truly believe that we didn't invest the time in fixing our relationship...but she is on the other side saying we have.
Exactly. You see the world as red. She sees it as blue. How can you possibly convince her that she's wrong? Just saying "it's red" over and over again?

Open for suggestions or advice right now as I am lost???
Start over with a beginner's mind.
Follow the steps in the book.

[rich4j]

thx g8r, Azzork LITB for the responses

Its strange but this board is the only thing right now helping me out. Only one friend and my brother/wife know the situation and they are helpful but not from this point of view

I do need to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. I can't keep regressing into "what if, what if stuff".

LITB-not sure how you did what you did but man I would like to drink a beer with you! appreciate the push

Now...in the DR book, much is about fixing your marriage before you have gotten to the D doorstep except the Last Resort TEchnique. any other chapters or focus areas I should re-read?

[rich4j]

Would also like anyone's experience on the board in handling WHO MOVES OUT?

I know every situation is different/finances play into things.

But for us, we moved into this old house in a great neighborhood last year. In fact, were about to do a major upgrade to it but put on hold due to some permits...thank god! We would have been doing this and getting divorced!

My daughter loves the neighborhood and kids and I want to be as least disruptive as possible. I have dogs also that she wants me to keep as she won't be able to afford. Her school year finishes in June but we can't both stay in the house together until then...it will kill us.

NET is I want to stay, keep the dogs somehow...not sure how I can manage this but will need to juggle dog sitters and have her commit to having them on weekends when I am not around.

I know SHE will want to stay for a while and figure it out after that....

To me, she is the WAW and she should keep walking. I know it will result in conflict and could hurt negotiationg the D, but it is something I think I NEED TO KEEP moving forward.

Thoughts?

[LITB]

Hey Rich,

Thanks for your kind words. Honestly, I am no different than anyone else on this board. I commend anyone trying to save their M/R. This isn't for the faint of heart.

As for moving out, do NOT leave the family home. I don't care what your W says. It will not be easy, so you will just have to suk it up.

From a legal standpoint: Stay in the family home, and make sure you have nothing less than shared custody(50/50) of your daughter. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT allow your W to leave the state with your D.

[Rick1963]

I agree with Libt dont move out of the house. If you have joint credit cards you will be both responsible for any debts 50/50. Keep and eye on bank accounts also for major withdrawals.

I lived with ex for over 1.5 years after bd. it will be a very hard experience. Do your best to keep the peace.

[rich4j]

thx folks

Not moving out...got a lawyer and got good advice. We are going to try to be civil but she is a hot head and suspect things won't end up in mediation unless we can discuss reasonably. Lawyer also gave some good advice on current spending as she needs to get her own account etc....but that is the finance stuff.



She is not moving my daughter anywhere.

I have been on the road for 2 days for work and it is much easier to DB with no calls or text's unless its about the daughter.

My WAW is so wrapped up in her new work venture that she has no idea about anythign else going on...even our daugther. Rushed out of town on a whim while I was away for a work meeting that came up quickly and had neighbors /babysitter take care of her. Had to call me to ask about it which I was glad she did but totally crazy as I would not have done what she did....but...we are different.

hard to get home except for seeing my daughters smiling face but WHEN DOES THAT part get easier? I am doing better distancing my heart from my WAW but I can't bear to see my daughters face and how she loves us TOGETHER. The kid is resilent stuff doesnt fly with me....she will be crushed

W asks me after being in the house for 1 hour if I talked with my lawyer and have all the financial info ready to get filled out so she can move this forward.

She has divorce in her sights and can't run any faster. Painful....but i am smiling, hugging my daughter and dogs and being peaceful. All I can do right now...

[rich4j]

Wife is sick and came home from trip and really only helped daughter with homework and helping out with dogs

So she was visibly upset that I wasn't all over her about "are you ok and can I help you "?

I kind of felt bad and had to bolt very early this am for work


Natural instinct is for me to text her to see if she is ok and needs anything for being sick ?

For the DB experts. Is this not what I should be doing ? It's hard to ignore someone u still love who is sick but trying to stay on course

[Azzork]

Natural instinct is for me to text her to see if she is ok and needs anything for being sick ?

For the DB experts. Is this not what I should be doing ? It's hard to ignore someone u still love who is sick but trying to stay on course

If you got fired from your job and a week later your manager got sick, would you bring him soup at the office?