IMO, it was not very bad. It was painful and it was good too.
By 5pm I texted XH to ask where he would like me to meet him. He said he would like me to choose a place. I told him we could meet at a Starbucks that is kind of in the middle for him and me. He agreed.
I got there and he was waiting. He was well dressed. Very polite, very kind.
We got out latte and sat to talk. He started saying that he really appreciated the fact that I gave him the chance to talk.
I sat there just listening the whole time. Looking him in the eye like job said. He start saying that for a long time when we were still together that he was really angry with me.
That towards the end, he could not stand to anything I was saying to him. But now, he sees things different and he feels like he was totally blind. Now he can put himself in my place and can see what a selfish jerk he was for a long time.
That he can see that I was right in many things I said and asked him. That he did not consider anything I was saying to him, that he was not listening.
He said that one thing I said to him some time ago was stuck in his mind. That I said that the worse part is that he did not gave me a chance, he just decide to end it and did not gave me a chance to even try.
Now, he can see that he did not treat me with respect, value, consideration. That he just ignored me and pretend he was paying attention. That the only thing he was thinking about was to run from everything.
That now he sees that he was angry with me and convinced himself that he was unhappy because of me. That I was the reason his life was miserable and he just tough he need to run away.
That now he has been looking in the mirror and he sees that he was so wrong. He accepts that for some reason this was the path he needs to take to find himself and find what was inside of him.
He said that from the bottom of his heart he wanted to ask me for forgiveness. That he would like me to search in my heart and see if I could consider to forgive him.
He said that he can see the destruction he did to his marriage, his family, his kids and mainly to me, that I did not deserve all what he did make me to go through and that he is very sorry.
He said that he forgave me, that he now can say it very sincere that he forgave me and that I need to know that.
When he was done, I just sat there, looking at him, I did not say a word for about 10min if not longer. I couldn't move, or say a word. He got a little uncomfortable, I think he had some expectation about my reaction, but I did nothing.
Finally I said that I was not expecting that he would say all that to me, that I was very proud of him for doing all the hard work, but that in the same time it was a bit of mixed feeling hearing all this from him.
That he was telling me things I always wanted to hear, he is becoming the man I always wanted. Then he finish my sentence and said "but it is too little, to late".
The whole time he mention things as I was the one to dump him. Like he is not doing enough.
One thing he repeat many time was: I needed to lose it all to know what I had.
He said that and said that he lost material things, he lost his family, his relationship with his kids and me. And that was only loosing it all that he now realizes what he had.
At the end of this part, we hugged. XH had some tears, not like the way he used to cry.
Then he asked me if he could tell me two other news. He said that he finally got his director position. That he did not get any more money but has his position now. I congratulated him with a hand shake, said that I was proud of him. He then said the after so much hard work, work done by both of us in order for him to succeed in his career, that he got somewhere.
After he was done telling me this, he said that he miss a lot talking to me, he miss the friend he had, the unconditional friend I was to him and that he always knew I cared for him and shared his pain and his successes. That he miss telling me things about him, his job, his life.
The second thing he wanted to share is that he knows a man at a place he eats lunch close to his work for many years and only lately he made time to talk to him. It just happen that this man is a pastor, and invited him to go to his church. XH said that he was impressed with this man and will try to visit his church.
He also met another man that reached some enlightenment in life once he became a Buddhist some years ago. The conversation with this man made him to see again and stop being blind with his own arrogance. That this man made him understand that XH could just disregard my feelings and my pain. That XH needed to transport himself to my place and see himself with my eyes and try to understand what he was seeing. '
Then he told me that there is a gentlemen that he always say hi or short talk in his company and that other day he was walking and this older man asked how XH was doing. XH chocked and this man said: One of those bad days? XH said that he started talking and telling this man how bad he was feeling and this gentleman asked him if he believed in God.
XH told him that he always pray and that he is a man of faith, but he was not going to church for quite a long time. This guy said that he goes to a great church and that his life was transformed since he started going there. XH asked what church and he said the name.
It just happen to be the same church I go. What XH told this man, that his XWife is a member of that church too.
So, that's one thing that we talk very openly and we always agree... it is our faith in God. I shared my piece with him that I did not fell apart because I have my faith and it carried me over during this whole difficult time.
We talked about things that we learned during this time apart. Things that are making us understand many things about M, R, faith. XH said that it was not so bad what happen because we have been learning, that for some reason it was the path he needed to take in order to see what is important in life.
We both mention that say: the worse thing that happen to us is yet the best thing that happen to us. We laughed about this. Yeah, we actually laughed together today.
That I told him many times but he did not listen. That now he can see that snowboards, jackets, helmets or whatever are not important, that there is more to life then that.
XH told me that he is not using Marijuana all the time now. That he came to a conclusion that even that I was right, that it was not good for him. He said that he decided to detox in small scale, but he already conquer a week without any use.
XH also mention (again) that the time he was very mad with me, that he was also very jealous. That he new about my EA with my boss. I said that looking this way, that he was right, I had a big admiration for my boss and that I liked to talk to him.
But that I never had anything to do with him and neither want anything to do with him. That it was admiration for someone that works a lot, is very responsible, have a big heart towards so many people that have physical issues. And I still feel that way, but it has nothing to do with a different kind of attraction.
XH said that I should be in the other side to hear all what a great guy he was every time I talked about him, and that I should be in the other side to see how my eyes would shine every time I told something that happen at work.
He said that he was very, very jealous and he regret never talking to me about it. That he decided to give me space to find out what I wanted and now he sees that he just made us grow apart and that he was very wrong about me being in love with my boss and not him.
And the last but not least, he said that this is what he wanted to talk about, that it is very personal for him, that he is not going anywhere, not moving away and nobody is coming, that he is not moving in with anyone. That his kids are the most important for him and he won't separate from them. That I can be sure of this. That I can be sure his life will continue the way it is.
So in all I do not think it was bad in some ways. In other ways it is painful to hear that he is doing all this changes now when we are divorced.
I even said that I could understand what he wrote that it wouldn't be hurtful, but he understands that somethings may hurt even when they are not intended to.
I feel sick now, my head hurts a lot, my body feels like a train went over me. I have no energy and can't eat anything. I do not feel pain in my stomach, but I feel sad.
The part that hurt the most is to hear all what can be translated into "I can see the mistakes I did, I regret and would like to make it right, both of us" But I did not hear that, he did not mention that anytime. There is no "us" and yet everything is "us".
There is no hope, this is all about himself getting his chest clean of his whole guilt for what he did.
When we said goodbye, we hugged, I got a very strong hug like he misses me. He hold my hand and said that I am the best woman in the world and that he won't ever find anyone like me. That he is very proud of me for being such woman, mom. That he is proud of me for never letting myself to fall, that I am strong and never lower my level.
I left then, left and now Colorado has a flood again. I cried hard and don't even know what to feel. I so a lot of glimpses from a man I got married one day.
Maybe I will understand better tomorrow, but today I can't even understand what it all means, what to expect or at least guess. There is also the practical side of all this. His mail still comes to the house, his stuff is still in my garage, we are still married in my country.
I think I will stop here, my head is exploding and I can't really think straight. I would like answers and there are none. I would like to understand why he is doing all this, and I just don't. I would like to ignore it, but I can't. I would like to hate him, but I still love him (I think).
